Friday, December 25, 2009


But not enough time. Here's the bullet points...

**Mom got effed up on Christmas Eve. Shocker.

**I spent Christmas Eve in a BYOB bar. Pictures will be included.

**Snuggie action.

**Waffle House.

**Drunken Santa present giving involving Twister and a broken lamp.

**White Elephant gift exchange almost coming to blows.

**Whiskey, beer, and karaoke.

**Drunk uncle who never drinks slurring words awesomely.

**Family arguing abundantly.

**Cheese dip ruining my expensive peacoat.

I'll leave you with that to think about until I have the time to actually write the post. You'll need to tune in for that one. :)

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Overflowing with frickin' Christmas cheer. Or not.

I know I'm not the only one stressed out around the holidays. It's a given that EVERYONE'S stress level spikes around this time. That's why it's so hard for me to get in the Christmas spirit and enjoy the sights, sounds, smells, etc., because I've constantly got a knot in my stomach about money, gifts, travel, etc. I've actually done better this year though, I got my Christmas tree the Monday after Thanksgiving (more to come on that), and taken MP to look at lights, and watched all the claymation Christmas specials, etc. like a good mommy should. Since I haven't posted stories in a while, I figured today would be a good day to do that (since I'm at work, nobody's here, and I have less to do than I normally do). Here goes.

I went to get my Christmas tree early this year, since I like having it in my house for the whole month of December. I always get a real tree... I know it's more work than an artificial one, but I love the way my house smells. It just smells like Christmas. Anyway, I went to a garden center here in Houston, and was worried bc I've never had to do the whole tree thing alone before, and I was wondering how I was going to manage getting the tree on/in my car (I drive a SUV), and in my house. I asked the guy at the center if he could help put it on my car, and of course he didn't speak English. Ask three more people, and none of them speak English either. NOBODY in the damn place spoke English. I literally threw my hands up in the air and stomped out of the place, I was so pissed. THIS IS AMERICA. Have someone in your store that can speak the native language, mmkay!? So I go to Kroger, and they have trees there! I was so excited. I know everyone speaks English there. I get a little guy to help me get the 7' tree to my car, and on the way out of the store, I slip and fall right on my ass. I was only on the ground for a millisecond because I jumped right back up, but MP yelled, "MOMMY ARE YOU OKAY! YOU JUST FELL!!", drawing attention to me. There was a lady coming out of the store behind me and she had this look on her face... I looked at her and said, "It's okay, you can laugh. If I walked out of a store behind you and you fell, I'd totally laugh after I knew you were okay". So she did. I would have done the same. Anyway, we get the tree IN my car (yeah that was fun), and I get home and realize I have absolutely nobody to help me do this. So I roll my sleeves up, change shoes, and proceed to drag this enormous tree up my walkway and into my house. A half hour later, I had it in the stand (somewhat) securely, and ready for MP and I to decorate. It may or may not be leaning towards the wall a bit, but hey, I did it all by myself.

MP's class holiday party was last week. The room mom was going to be out of town, so she emailed me and asked if I could handle coordinating the day of stuff, and I hesitantly said I would. Now, here's my deal. I am a single mom that works full time. There are plenty of moms in the class that don't work that she could have asked. I don't mind helping out at all, but my idea of helping out is bringing a couple bags of chips and showing up in time to help my kiddo decorate her ornament. Instead, since I felt bad saying no, I took the day off work so I could make sure to be at the school early and prepared, and I could also try to knock out my shopping in the morning. When I get to the classroom, two other moms are there and bitching about what a crappy room mom the other lady is, and how everything is stupid, and how they could have done a much better job. WTF. I hate people like this. (Sidenote - I know I'm Negative Nancy a lot, but the way these women were bitching, you'd think the children's Christmas craft was making Nazi swastikas out of cotton balls or something. They were just bitching to bitch.) I shut my mouth and worked on getting the ornament stuff sorted out and organized, all while they're bitching and moaning about the room mom who's not there to defend herself. They also don't bother talking to me. Now, I know some of my blog friends are stay at home moms, but from what I gather, you are not THIS TYPE of SAHM. These bitches wear Juicy Couture track suits, have perfectly manicured nails, fresh highlights with perfectly cut hair, and spend all day shopping with their husband's money. Ok, fine. But the worst part is these ladies look down on me like I'm trash because I'm a single mom, work full time, send my daughter to school with messy hair and unmatched socks sometimes (MP likes to dress herself, and I don't always notice if one sock is pink and one is white, sue me), and don't wear designer clothes. I CANNOT STAND BITCHES LIKE THIS. I did the bare minimum to get through the class party then took MP home early. I will continue to go to school functions because it makes MP's day, but I will never, NEVER offer to set up or coordinate another one. Let those bitches fight about it, I'm o-u-t.

So I also have a story about babydaddy, but since this post's gone a little long, I'll save that one. I'm sure I'll have plenty of time to write while I'm in my hometown trying to avoid my crazy ass family. If you need a reminder of what I have to go through on the holidays, see here.

Hope everyone has a great Christmas/Hanukah/whatever you celebrate!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Quote of the day

"I can't believe you made me turn off Mmm Bop to listen to New Kids on the Block!"

From my brother, tonight.

He came in town to hang out with me, since MP's grounded (AGAIN. She just can't keep her yap shut in class. Her words, not mine.) and our plans to go to Sassy's house had to get cancelled.

We were playing our favorite drinking game, which is switching between the music channels on cable to see who could name the artist first without looking at the screen. Bonus points if you can name both artist and song. We were switching between 80's and 90's channels, and Hanson was on first (which he got right off the bat...embarrassing for a 27 year old hetero dude), so I switched to 80's and got the first words of NKOTB because they're my favorite, and he said the above sentence. I made him listen to the rest of "Didn't I Blow Your Mind (This Time)", and he got angry.

Guess Hanson's less gay?? DOUBT IT.

I love my brother.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Holy Snowballs Batman!

It's actually snowing here.

In Houston, Texas.

I've seen snow about 4 times in my entire life, and only once did it collect on the ground and stay for more than an hour. This one's supposed to be a pretty big snowstorm, like with actual inches collected on the ground. I am like a little kid right now, I want to play in the snow because I never have!! I know some of my Northern friends will find this absolutely crazy, but it's true. It's such a big deal here that everyone's been freaking out about it for a week now. Today I left work around 11 to drive home and log on from there, so I wouldn't have to drive in rush hour traffic with the snow/rain/ice, and once I got here and logged on there was a company-wide email sent out saying that everyone was being sent home. Scooore! I'm on my way to light a fire in the fireplace, lay on the couch, look at my pretty Christmas tree, and catch up on some DVR'd shows I never have time to watch. Maybe some wine too... don't judge, I know it's only 1PM, but it's totally appropriate for the circumstances. Who am I kidding, I'd probably still drink if it was sunny and 75 degrees...

I wish it would snow every Friday!

Monday, November 23, 2009

The bitch is back.

So. This one's gonna be another bitter Betty bitching post, so if you're looking for funny I can't help you out. I had a whole post planned out that I was gonna do this week, but then Friday happened.

If you are sick of me whining about the ex, I completely understand and won't be offended if you skip this post and come back later when I'm in a funny mood.

So. Friday. My friend Sarah and I met my brother and his date at my favorite bar. I was happy because I hadn't gotten out in a while, and my cousin had called me that day to see if she could get MP for the weekend. Anyway, we were having a good time, listening to the band and stuff, and then I see exBF's sister walk in. I waved at her and she came over to give me a hug, and I chatted with her for a sec until I realized her brother and a friend of mine were with her. This wasn't weird, as the girl is the person who owned the house I moved out of this summer, and her and exBF's sister live down the street from each other and know each other. I gave her a hug too, and said hello, but she was acting weird. I asked exBF's sister if they were on a date or something, and she said of course not, no way. Cool. Still awkward that he's at this bar, but I can deal with it.

Later we leave and go to another bar and then back to my house to hang out and drink. I mention how weird it was to see Jered (exBF's name, guess he doesn't need to be anonymous anymore. Want his SSN?) at that bar, since he kinda knows that's my turf and I go there a lot. Then my brother says, "Oh yeah, when I saw him a few weeks ago he asked how you were, and told me he was seeing her."

Picture now, my jaw dropping on the floor.

Silence for 10 seconds, then I manage to squeak out, "WHAT???"

He can clearly tell that his size 14 foot is snugly inserted in his mouth and says "Well I just thought you should know!"

Now, I would have lost my shit even if I was sober, but I had been drinking and took about 5 shots after I saw Jered at the bar (to numb the pain), and this was definitely not a good time to tell me. I ran into my bedroom and started bawling, and I know my brother felt like a POS.

Anyway. Next day. I text Jered, first time since we broke up, and ask him if he is seriously dating her. He says he is, for about a week now. Then he called me, but that conversation was pretty much him defending the whore and saying how uncomfortable she was and how it's weird for him to be sleeping in the same house that he used to go see me at. I said, well, at least you know where the bathroom's at so you can wipe your dick off after you bang her in my old bedroom. Juvenile, I know. But I am extremely snarky and rude when I've been crossed.

So there's more. The girl (her name is now Firecrotch Slut, or FS for short) had asked me since the first day I knew her if I had any single guy friends to hook her up with. I saw her two months ago at a bar, and she said how desperate she was to find a boyfriend, and would I go troll the bar with her? I half-jokingly said, "I will, but please just don't ever go after Jered" where she responded, "Oh hell no, we're friends! Girls don't do that to each other, and I don't like him anyway".

FS had a relationship with a married man for a year and a half. I shouldn't be surprised that she will go against girl code and date someone I truly loved, because if a person will sleep with a married man and have no regrets about the morality of that, she'll fuck over a friend as well.

This morning I posted "guess I shouldn't be surprised when a person who I considered a friend is dating my ex... she dated a married man, clearly boundaries don't exist." as my facebook status. (I told you, snarky, mean, catty when I'm pissed. You can throw in juvenile and high-school-malicious too I guess. At least I realize it.) Within ten minutes I get a text from Jered asking me to take down that status update, and to leave her out of this, it's between he and I.

He's got to be ten kinds of crazy to think that I'm taking that status down. I think it's funny. I'm not doing it to get sympathy comments, I'm doing it to be a bitch, plain and simple. I'm thinking about updating it to something like "Jered's apparently uncomfortable with me posting true facts about his new girlfriend, so here's the status change update that he requested". But I'm not gonna. I'm just gonna leave the other one up for now.

I know I've rambled, and there's still more to the story, but it does feel good to get it out and vent a little bit. I'm going to leave you with a picture of her and I when she was my "friend". You may understand my confusion as to why he'd date her after you see what she looks like.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

I'm sorry....

Been gone a while, and no time to post anything significantly cool today either. I've been hella busy at work with my old boss transferring out and a new one transferring in. It's a lot of work, to put it mildly.

I promise to come back soon. Until then, here's some pictures that made me laugh out loud today...

I am now a fan of the facebook page Not Listening to Nickelback, where I got these. It's awesome.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Concertgoing, run-in with the ex, and Halloween post all crammed in one!

Last Saturday my brother and I met some friends at Ziegfest, an annual Texas country music festival that's held here in H-town. It starts around 2ish in the afternoon, and there are two stages and about 8-10 bands or so. We got there around 4:30 and staked out some grass (not drug-grass, people... that's not my thing) to post up and listen to some good music. Here's some pictures from the fun day/night:

Here's a shot of a friend and I from the beginning of the day, obviously...

My bro and I, a little later.

Group shot as the sun was going down, the beers were flowing, and the coldness was beginning.

Some of the dead soldiers, as we like to call them. I tried to make a pyramid. The one I made at the end of the night was phenomenal.

Sun's down, my friend is slightly inebriated by this point.

My bro and I again. We smuggled some vodka in, but had no mixers... I went to find some Sprite but the line was a mile long, so I found a sno-cone stand. Nobody was there because it was freezing, so I just got a couple of extra cups and we made strawberry vodka slushies. I'm pretty resourceful. You can see the evidence on my brother's tongue.

We were giggly dancing here.

Rockin' out to Cross Canadian Ragweed. Love them!!

After the concert ended around 11:00 we went to a bar... we walk in, and I immediately spot the ex boyfriend. I couldn't turn around and walk out at that point, so I had to stay and suffer through the misery of being in the same place as him until the bar closed. We just ignored each other, but it was like there was a huge pink furry elephant with neon lights on it in the room the whole time for everyone else that was there. I think I did pretty well by not freaking out or crying or anything, but it still sucks really bad. I wish I could just get over him!

All in all though, it was a really fun day/night. My brother and I are happiest when we're at concerts, so it was nice to get to spend some time with him in our favorite element.

This weekend MP and I are going back to my hometown so I can take her trick or treating with my parents in their neighborhood. I'm still not sure if I'm going to do the whole dressing up and going out thing this year... normally I'll have my costume ready to go weeks in advance, but I'm not feeling so hot on the 'ol body image right now, and am not in the mood to dress like a skank and go to a bar. Who knows though, I may change my mind. Hope you all have a fab (and SAFE!) Halloween weekend!

Friday, October 23, 2009

I got tagged twice. Hee hee.

So, in the past couple of days I've been tagged on a couple of blogs. It must mean I'm awesome. Ok, well, that's how I'm taking it anyway. Most people would do these seperately, but I'm a busy gal so I'm combining them. I'm all about shortcuts.

First up: Kelly nominated me as a Kreativ Blogger, and I'm super honored (I love her blog, and finally committed as a follower recently, after stalking her blog for a few months). Although the misspelling of 'creative' in this award does bug me quite a bit, as I am pretty much a stickler for correct grammar. I hate those people on facebook who can't spell and are in graduate school, or those who STILL don't get the difference between THERE, THEY'RE, and THIER, and YOUR and YOU'RE. And people who spell refrigerator with a "d" between the I and G. I'm always the asshole who writes a comment correcting them, like I'm their high school English teacher.

Oh, right... Kreativ Blogger award. Sorry.

What I'm supposed to do is write 7-10 facts about me then pass the “Kreativ Blogger’ award on to other favorite bloggers of mine. I've done one similar to this before, but I'll try to think of some other stuff. I'm not THAT interesting, yo. Here goes:

1. I'm a grammar nazi. You probably have already figured that out by the ramblings in the beginning of this post. No further explanation should be necessary.

2. I was on an episode of America's Funniest Home Videos before. In high school drill team before halftime, we'd go to the side of the football field and stretch before performing. I would always get my friend to hook my shoelace above my head to the fence above me (my back was against the fence), and that way I could keep my leg stretched for a while. I flexed my foot and my shoelace broke, making my leg snap down and smack my friend in the face... all while my mom was filming. She sent in the tape, and they actually put it on air. We didn't win any money though. :(

3. I have a MASSIVE crush on Jordan Knight from New Kids on the Block. I've been in love with him since I was 9. That's twenty years, folks. I literally almost started crying both times in the past year when I saw NKOTB in concert when he came on stage. We also share a birthday, so I really feel this is the universe's way of telling me we're meant to be together.

4. I have an abnormal memory for dates and events that have happened in the past. Sassy always asks me when something happened because I can always remember the date. The latest one was when her last period was and I replied, "Well, it was the week before your hubby's birthday party, which fell on September 26th, so I would say you started around September 20th or so." Which helped her determine exactly how far along in her pregnancy she is. Ask me any date of a weekend night in the past year or so, and I can figure out where I was and who I was with. It's kinda weird, and not a notably cool thing, but I'm running out of interesting facts, people.

5. I'm on Facebook about 5 of the 8 hours I'm at work. I have a major obsession. I need an intervention, for real.

6. I'm really scared that I'm screwing my kid up by not having a "normal" family life for her. She seems well adjusted and all, but I can just see us in 10 years in a psychologist's office and all her problems stemming from living with her single mom for the majority of her life. Maybe I'm just paranoid, I dunno.

7. Even though I put this on my previous list, I'm listing it again because I'm running out of facts and I feel VERY STRONGLY about it: I HATE MAYONNAISE. Hate, hate, hate it, as much as I hate pedophiles and murderers. MP actually LIKES the shit, I have to make her sandwiches with it, and I gag the whole time. I love my kid so much that I'll put the substance I despise most in the world within a foot of my nose just to please her. That's devotion.

8. I'm a total band groupie. Not the kind that sleeps with them though. I'm a huge fan of Charlie Robison (if you don't know him, he's a great Texas Country musician, and used to be married to Emily of the Dixie Chicks). You probably don't know who he is if you don't live in the south. Anyway, I've been on his bus a few times, and the last time just he and I hung out in the back, drinking Jaeger and smoking cigs, and talking for hours. He was awesome (and super HOT). I've also met Pat Green, Cross Canadian Ragweed, and gotten backstage at several other concerts. Even if it's a local band playing in my favorite bar, I manage to go over there and make friends with someone in the band before the night's over. It's an addiction.

Alright, I told you I'm not that interesting. I can't think of much else... so on to the next one...

Sassy tagged me as an Over the Top blogger - thanks, dude! Here are the rules for the Over The Top Award:

USE ONLY ONE WORD! It’s not as easy as you might think. Copy and change the answers to suit yourself and pass it on. It’s really hard to use only one-word answers so try your best.
Tag 6 other bloggers and let them know that you think they are 'Over the Top'!

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk.
2.Your hair? Ponytail.
3. Your mother? Talkative.
4. Your father? Generous.
5. Your favorite food? Cajun.
6. Your dream last night? Sad.
7. Your favorite drink? Whiskey.
8. Your dream/goal? Happiness.
9. What room are you in? Office.
10. Your hobby? Cooking.
11. Your fear? Hurt.
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Happy.
13. Where were you last night? Home.
14. Something that you aren’t? Rich.
15. Muffins? Blueberry.
16. Wish list item? Lasik.
17. Where did you grow up? Orange.
18. Last thing you did? Procrastinated.
19. What are you wearing? Sweater.
20. Your TV? Average.
21. Your pets? Nonexistent.
22. Friends? Loved.
23. Your life? Stressful.
24. Your mood? Complacent.
25. Missing someone? Jered.
26. Vehicle? SUV.
27. Something you’re not wearing? Watch.
28. Your favorite store? Forever21.
29. Your favorite color? Pink.
30. When was the last time you laughed? Earlier.
31. Last time you cried? Today.
32. Your best friend? Amber.
33. One place that I go to over and over? Work.
34. One person who emails me regularly? Kristin.
35. Favorite place to eat? Outback.

Sooo here are the people I'm tagging. You can do one, both, or neither. I won't be offended.

1. Kayleigh at

2. Megan at

3. Crystal at

4. Sassy (do the first one, since you tagged me for the second one) :)

5. Courtney at

6. Spot at

7. Calico at

Sorry if I missed anybody... I gotta get back to work!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Dear little prankster at the cajun restaurant I lunched at:

I know you thought it would be HILARIOUS to not screw down the ketchup bottle after you used it. You probably also thought that the person sitting at the table after you would check the aforementioned bottle before shaking it. What you didn't anticipate was the level of starvation I was at. Being that hungry for the steaming french fries and crab cakes that was in front of me made me not even think to check to see if the cap was screwed on tightly. Well, little bastard, that's exactly what happened. As I shook the bottle from side to side, the cap flew off and hit the window as the red fluid shot all over me, the table, the window, and into my purse. You also made my newly pregnant friend laugh so hard that I was worried for her health. So, thank you, little pranking bastard. I now reek of tomato, have stains all over the front of my shirt, stickiness in my hair (that I had to pull in a ponytail when I was actually having a decent hair day), and I'm scared to reach into my purse, because I keep finding cold wet puddles of gooey tomato paste in it. It's also way fun when someone walks in your office and asks what's on your pants, when you thought you got all the spots taken care of.

I'm going to be cleaning up this mess for days. FML.

Friday, October 16, 2009

I suck as a blogger.

But I do try to read everyone else's blogs that DO manage to post. I've had a super busy week, so that's my excuse.

Yesterday I had the longest day ever, had dental appointments for me and MP, took her back to school, ran to the bakery to get a cake for our monthly birthday celebration at work, went to work, had two meetings and an assload of work, left and went to the bank, mall, and parent teacher conference, came home and did dinner, MP's bath, homework, and two loads of laundry, cleaned my kitchen and living room, then got to watch one DVR'd show (Cougar Town... anyone watch that??? It's SOO FUNNY!), then passed out by 9. That's just one day out of this week, and most of the other days have been equally busy.. so you can not be mad at me now for not posting. :)

I have a story for yall but no time to post it in it's longevity... it includes a trip to Austin, me getting stranded and sleeping in my car, and a 7AM roadtrip jamming New Kids on the Block. I'll give you that as a teaser, and hopefully get the post up in the next week.

This weekend my parents are getting MP so I get a much needed break... I'm pretty stoked. Going to see a band with a friend tonight, then girl's night out tomorrow with Sassy and a couple other girlfriends. I'm sure there will be some interesting goings on, so you'll have some stories to look forward to. Until then...

Monday, October 5, 2009

I hung out in the backseat of a Cutlass when I was 9, didn't you??

I have quite a bit of blog fodder for you guys, but it's waaay too much for just one post. I've had an eventful few weeks (not all of it great, but most of it entertaining). So lucky for you guys, you'll be getting some new posts in the next few days if I can get my motivation up. (That's what HE said).

So, Crystal... this one's for you darlin'.

Two weekends ago Sassypants' husband had a birfday. We planned a party for that Saturday afternoon, when UT had a game (hook 'em Horns!!) and we figured we'd grill fajitas and have some drinks and watch some good college football all day with good friends. I went to Sassy's house that morning, and we went to the grocery store to get all the food and beer and stuff while her hubs and his friend assembled the new patio furniture they just got. Sassy and I got busy in the kitchen when we got back from the store (get your mind out of the gutter, dirty peeps), and made a great spread of appetizers - from her bomb diggity pasta salad with spinach, tomatoes, and feta, and my stuffed potato skins, plus lots of chips and dips.

After we finished slaving in the kitchen we went outside to enjoy the new furniture and drink some cold beers. We had invited a bunch of friends, but one of the first to show up was our bloggy friend Crystal. Now, if you haven't read her blog (yeah I linked her twice, what?), go NOW. I won't be offended, you can come back to me later. This bitch is hilarious. She's even better in person. She sits down with us and joins right on in with the gossiping and joking around. She mentions she has a low tolerance and is a cheap drunk, but we didn't really pay attention until an hour later when she was DEEE-RUUUNK. With every sip of Shiner Blonde beer this trick drinks, she gets funnier and funnier. Sassy and I knew she was crazy, but the other guests at the party realized quickly that outside on the patio was the place to be, just to hear the shit that came out of her mouth. I'll give you a taste of her verbal stylings:

- While talking about a charity (why we were discussing that I have no idea), she slurs her words and ends up saying Ronald Donald McHouse instead of Ronald McDonald House.

- When talking about options for saving money, she pipes up that her fiance' is going to have to deal with her stubbly bush because she's not getting her snatch waxed until the wedding. Her words VERBATIM.

- When a date of one of the guys that was at the party mentioned that she was born in 1989, Crystal scowls at the youngness of this little whippersnapper and bellows, "I was getting finger banged in the back of a Cutlass in 1989!".

- As we were trying to finish up everything for the fajitas inside the house, Crystal was playing Mr. Potato Head with Sassypants' son, who is four. I'm not completely sure of the wording because I was drunk by then, but I think she asked him if he thought it was weird that Mr. Potato Head keeps all his stuff in his butt. And now he asks everyone if they keep their stuff in their butt. Sassy thanks you, Crystal. And so do the other moms at his daycare.

We soon ended up in the garage playing flip cup, which isn't a great game to play if you're already three sheets to the wind. Crystal and I went head to head for a couple of rounds, and I don't remember who won, but there was a lot of shit talking and beer dripping on her boobs, which caused lactation jokes. Oh, and I did find out that her tits are REAL, which is amazing because they're pretty much perfect and Sassypants and I were convinced she'd had them done. We almost got her to show us, but I guess even drunk she has limits.

All in all, it was a great day/night, and I think we'll all agree it just wouldn't have been the same without her there. So. My message to Crystal: get your tolerance up for your bachelorette party, hooker, because Sassypants and I are GOING. And we'll be bringing the tape recorder this time.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Just so ya know...

I've been MIA because I've been at home with a flu-ridden kiddo for 5 days now. Yeah, FIVE. I will be back soon with an awesome story involving Crystal from Sassypants' husband's birthday party last weekend. I know she's hoping I forgot, but I sho didn't. :) More to come...

Monday, September 21, 2009

Weekend Wrap Up

Friday morning Sassypants IM'd me around, oh, 7:38 or so asking if we were drinking tonight. That's 7:38 IN THE MORNING. Someone had obviously had a bad week. So, I told her of course we were and after work went and picked up MP, ran home to change, picked up lots of beer, and went to Sassy's house. We ordered pizza, drank some wine and beer, and played Wii... good times. This guy I had met a couple of months ago had texted me Friday morning to see what I had going on for the weekend, and asked if I wanted to hang out that night. I told him he was welcome to come hang out if he could deal with kids running around and lots of drunken conversations. He ended up coming, and as soon as he walked in, Sassy started in with the 3rd degree... why are you divorced? was it your fault? do you still love her? do you have any kids? how many family members do you have? does cancer run in your family? where did you go to college? do you want children someday? why are you drinking Amstel Light? (okay that last one was from me.) Anyway, I stopped Sassypants from embarrassing me further by throwing out an embarrassing question to her that I knew she wouldn't want to answer in front of a stranger, and she got the hint. Although later she ended up talking about it anyway. Eh. The guy said he had a great time so I guess it was alright.

Saturday I got to sleep until almost 9:00! MP crawled in bed with me around 7 but fell right back asleep, so I was super stoked about sleeping in. We got up and got dressed, then met Sassypants and her little one for lunch and then went to the movies to see Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. It was pretty cute. After that we went to Garden Ridge to look for some patio furniture for Sassy's backyard. The kids were running around (on a sugar high from the movie), so we were in and out of the store in about 10 minutes. After that MP and I went home and I did some stuff around the house, got some chicken strips for dinner , and watched movies until we fell asleep that night.

Sunday I woke up around 8 or so and got MP dressed, and we went grocery shopping. I wanted to get there early to beat the crowds, but I guess that's not possible on weekends. I ended up spending about an hour and a half and double the money I wanted to in there, but I got everything I needed (and more). Going to the grocery store is weirdly fun for me. Even funner when you don't have a kiddo asking for everything on the shelves, but oh well. Went home, unloaded the groceries, cleaned up the kitchen, made lunch, did laundry, and took a well-deserved nap. Woke up and started cooking dinner, watched another movie with MP, got MP a bath, read a book with her, put her to bed, cleaned the kitchen, then collapsed into bed to watch some Food Network before I passed out.

All in all a good weekend, although 62 hours with the little one nonstop can be quite tiring! Hopefully this week goes smoothly... work is getting to be quite stressful, I may need a good wine and bubble bath night soon. :)

Friday, September 18, 2009

Adventures at lunchtime

Sassypants and I work together, as most of you know. We also have lunch together every day, unless one of us has a meeting or something. We'll eat in one of our offices, or if we're having one of those "I'mgonnakillthenextmotherfuckerthatwalksinhere" kind of days, we'll go out to lunch, just for the safety of our coworkers.

Sassy's blogged about our lunch hour before. You'd think that we wouldn't have too many crazy things happen, since we only go out maybe once a week, but au contraire, my friend. Here are happenings from THIS WEEK ALONE:

Tuesday: Had one of those days where we wanted to go sit on a patio and share taquitos and smoke cigs during lunch. Normal for us. Went to a decent Mexican restaurant, and sat down with some chips and hot sauce and gossip. I happen to see commotion over Sassy's shoulder, and stop whatever I'm saying mid-sentence. I say under my breath, barely moving my mouth, "Oh my God, look over there. Don't stare." (Sassypants is a notorious starer.) Behind her were four girls in their mid-twenties, posing provocatively with a plastic parrot (how's that for alliteration, English majors?). Like, one girl was bent over so her vajayjay was in the parrot's mouth, and one was behind it doing it doggystyle, one was laughing, and one was the photographer. They kept switching positions and giggling for about 4-5 minutes. Sassy and I had no words. We just stared at each other, wide-eyed until they finished their parrot threeway. I should mention it was about 11AM. I should also mention they all had beers in their hands, which probably contributed to the photo session. Now, I've probably been one to do drunken funny photo sessions with my friends, but NOT AT ELEVEN AM DURING LUNCH HOUR IN A RESTAURANT WITH PROFESSIONALS EVERYWHERE. Maybe I'm just old, but I don't need to see that shit when I'm eating.

Today: Sassy and I are leaving the area we work in (if you don't know, it's a pretty ghetto part of town, with one of the country's wealthiest oil and gas company's headquarters smack in the middle of it. Why my employer decided to set up shop in the midst of bike stealing and gunfire, I'll never know). We are sitting at a stop light and see a guy and his girlfriend walk across the street. The dude is holding his 7-inches-too-big pants up with one hand, and holding his old lady's hand with the other. A truck pulls up next to us, and for some reason 'Lil Scrappy decides to start talking shit to the driver. I couldn't see what the driver said or did, but as he turned his truck onto the next street, homey hit the side of the truck with his hands and raised his arms above his head, taunting the driver to bring it. The truck stopped, but there was traffic coming, so he had to end up going on down the road. I would have loved it if some big ass country dude with a cowboy hat jumped out and squashed that little gangbanger.

Also today: The restaurant we chose to go to is famous for their "Throw'd Rolls". Crystal, you definitely know this restaurant. It's a country restaurant, with awesome chicken fried steak, fried okra, fried anything, and taters. Really healthy, right? The rolls are to die for. There's a guy who walks around and throws you the rolls. Yes, you read that right... if you want a roll, you have to catch it. The best part is that the guy who throws the rolls is slightly on the... how do I put it nicely? He's slightly on the "slow" side. Like, his IQ is probably low 90's. Not the sharpest pencil in the box. I think you understand. So when he asks you if you want a hot roll, he looks at you quizzically and says, "Haaat rooooowwww?" You really have to be there, but it's all but impossible to not laugh. **For the record, I am not a hateful bitch and do not make fun of slow people. This guy is just on a level all by himself.** Anyway, he threw a roll from across the room to the guy at the table next to us, and smoked him in the side of the head. The guy was a bit stunned, the the roll thrower acted like this happens every day (which I'm sure it does) and just threw another one over.

Today, again: As Sassypants and I are having a smoke outside the restaurant, we see a guy on a scooter riding through the parking lot. Ok, fine. But he had a deputy's badge painted on his Rascal scooter, and made several laps around the parking lot. I think he may have been security. Or at least he had convinced himself that he was security. Who knows.

We actually stopped ourselves from laughing today to ask if the world has just gone insane, or does this shit happen to ANYONE ELSE?!?

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Weekend Wrap Up

This is gonna be the most boring post EVER. Don't say I didn't warn you. Here's what my weekend entailed:

Friday - picked up MP from school and drove to my parents' house two hours away. Ate dinner, watched some TV with the 'rents, and went to bed by 8:30.

Saturday - woke up around 8:30, took my car to get the oil changed, swung by my grandma's to help her upload a picture to her Facebook (yeah, I know), then back home. Made homemade spaghetti and meatballs for dinner, watched some college football with my dad, and watched Flashdance until I was tired and went to bed.

Sunday - woke up around 8:00, watched the Parent Trap with MP. My friend called and I went out on the river with her and her fiance' that afternoon to go crabbing and fishing. We ended up getting about 28 crabs, with no net (guess what has two thumbs and was supposed to bring the nets?? This girl.) so that was pretty impressive. It was a fun time though... Had a few beers, and with the combination of that and the sun I was dog tired. Got home and took a shower, had some ribs and sausage my daddy grilled, watched some more college football, then went to bed. At 8:00.

Monday - woke up at 9:00, then MP and I met my grandma at this nature reserve in town. Walked a mile or so looking at plants and flowers (so not my thing, but my grandma enjoyed it, and I enjoy spending time with her). Went back to my parents, took a quick nap, then back on the road to Houston. Stopped by Sassypants' house to have dinner (she made some enchiladas that were the Got home around 8:00, put MP to bed, unloaded the car, and hit the sack by 9.

I'm pretty shocked I didn't go out and do ANYTHING the whole time I was there. I had three nights to go out, a free in-house babysitter, and Louisiana with it's 24 hour a day bars 5 minutes away. There really wasn't anyone in town that I wanted to hang out with except for the friend I went out on the river with, and she didn't want to go out, so I guess that's my excuse. Or I'm just getting old. Please, say it isn't so...

Now, I didn't do SHIT all weekend... why am I so tired today?

Monday, August 31, 2009

Weekend Wrap Up - first edition

A lot of the blogs I read do a weekend wrap up, so I decided I'd jump on the bandwagon and try to start doing one as well.

Friday I picked up MP from daycare and went home to relax for a bit. My friend Tiffany was supposed to come over and we were going to do a girls' night in, with wine, pizza, and movies. Tiff had a conflict at the last minute and couldn't make it, so Sassypants called and told me to get my ass over to her house because her kid was driving her crazy, and my kid was driving me crazy, and if they were together they could play upstairs and drive each other crazy. It worked, pretty much. There was only one time when I had to go upstairs to Kid Town (the room Sassypants and I put all her son's toys in, we jokingly named it Kid Town and it kind of stuck) and have a talk with them about behaving. Sassy's kid listens to me (she says he's afraid of me) so she'll send me up there to put the fear of God in them when they're getting out of line. A couple of our friends were over there too, and before long we had segregated the women on the front porch gossiping, the boys in the living room playing Wii, and the kiddos upstairs. It was a good time. I might mention there was lots 'o wine flowing. You probably already knew that.

Saturday MP woke me up around 7 (WTF is up with children waking up early on weekends??). My cousin wanted to get her for the day/evening, and called early to come pick her up. I met her around 8:30 then headed back home to catch up on some DVR'd shows I had recorded earlier in the week. I met my newly engaged friend downtown to go to the Bridal Expo with her, and we stayed there a couple of hours. You know that was like torture for me, but I love her so I went. When we left, she wanted to go to the huge Forever 21 store they just opened in downtown Houston, so we headed over there... I swore I wasn't going to spend any money, and I didn't. But it was like bringing a drug addict to a pharmacy, it was HARD. I had several things in my hand, but at the last minute put them down and walked out of the store. It took some major willpower, but I was proud of myself!

After we left there, we met her fiancee for dinner at a seafood restaurant. It was super yummy. We headed back to her house to get ready to out for the night. As we were getting ready we were drinking Red Bull and vodkas, and that definitely woke me up. We got a cab and went to a club called Wild West (they play country and rap, like most dance places here in Texas). We had a great time, ran into some people we knew and ended up all going back to my friends' apartment and hanging out for a while. I managed to smuggle a beer out of the club in my pants (last call is at 2 AM, and I had just bought a new beer... I didn't want to throw an almost full, cold beer out, so instead I put it in my waistband of my pants and hid it under my shirt.) I'm nothing if not classy.

We drank for a bit at their apartment, then I hit my limit and wanted to sleep. We all slept in till 11 the next morning, then made plans to go to brunch. My friend was pretty hungover and struggling bad. She actually got up from the table at brunch and went outside to throw up. We really are girls you wanna bring home to mom, right?

After brunch I went home and took a nap, waiting on MP to get home. She was dropped off around 5 or so, then I heated up some pizza and we laid on the couch watching "Raising Helen" until her bedtime. It was nice to cuddle with her for a while.

So, no run ins with the law, no broken bones, and no heartbreak. I actually met a cute guy, but we'll see if he calls. I'm not getting my hopes up, but it was nice to go out and have fun and not have exBF on my mind all night long. I guess it is slowly getting better...

So, what did you guys do? Anything fun?

Friday, August 28, 2009

Back to the grind.

Short list of the goings-on of this week:

1. MP started 1st grade.
2. MP began taking ballet, tap, and jazz classes.
3. A migraine made it's home in my noggin for 3 consecutive days.
4. I actually cooked dinner every night of the week. No takeout. That's shocking.
5. My boss was in the office, which means I have little time to blog or facebook because he's making me do mundane shit.
6. MP lost yet another tooth. (I swear she loses one every 2-3 weeks!)

Sounds pretty boring, and it is, but I'm giving you a reason why I haven't posted in a bit. I've got a lot planned for the weekend, so hopefully I'll have some fun stories for you on Monday. And hopefully none of those stories involve a broken arm, broken heart, or run-ins with the law.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!!

Monday, August 24, 2009

Random thoughts

I got this email from a friend, and had to share... I know it's taking the lazy road, but I'm positive you all will love it. Sassypants and I almost pissed ourselves reading it. It's a list of a lot of things we've probably all thought of, but never voiced out loud. Enjoy! (My comments in italics)

1. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me. Guilty.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. But it's if you choose to admit you're wrong that's the dilemma.
3. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
4. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk. I do this ALL.THE.TIME.
5. That's enough, Nickelback. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. Couldn't agree more.
6. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. Right!?
7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again. I'll give you a minute to figure it out...
8. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft. This is so true, and it baffles me... how did we ALL just know to do that??
9. There is a great need for sarcasm font. YES!
10. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first saw it. Ha, Saturday Night Fever. My mom told me the condom they showed in it was candy. Imagine my surprise the first time I saw a condom in real life.
11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it. Again, guilty!
12. The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can re cognize their own image. All I can say is LMAO.
13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? Thank you!
14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each handthan take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. It's called laziness, and I'm diagnosed.
15. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. After reading this, Sassy and I agreed and shook on it.
16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying tofinish a text. So true.
17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it. I liked this so much I used it as my facebook status.
18. Was learning cursive really necessary? No shit. My signature is half cursive, half print. I normally write in all caps.
19. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say". Yup.
20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. Gawd, I wish I would have figured that out 20 pounds ago.
21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying. Haven't taken a scantron test in a while, but I do remember that.
22. My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro. LMAO.
23. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart",all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart". Ahhhh Sassypants, this one's for you. :)
24. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said? I think three times, tops.
25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers! I LOVE THIS!! Wait your turn like the rest of us, asshole.
26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies". Did this last week. I said N as in Ninja.
27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other? That would be awesome.
28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. NO SHIT.
30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. I always think this!
31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water. WHY would you want the first blast of cold water??
32. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never getdirty, and you can wear them forever. True dat. And by the third wear, they are stretched out perfectly. 33. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
34. Bad decisions make good stories. Hence most of my blog posts.
35. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do! Yessss.
36. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year? I am terrified of what it's going to be like when MP is in high school. Lord help me.
37. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible. LMAO. Or really good at hiding.
38. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem.... This is a staple of every meeting we have at work, and I still start stuttering over my own name! WTF.
39. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day. This usually happens mid morning for me.
40. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection. I'm down!
41. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. I wonder how many deaths we'd see in obituaries from this?
42. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to. I have to always hit cancel and go re-read the document.
43. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever. It also means I won't buy it.
44. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of peoplewatching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?' That's why I'm never the remote holder. I'm too much of a people pleaser, and it stresses me out.
45. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed. We should probably check on this.
46. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away? LMAO. Like times TEN.
47. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. Happens to me all the time. You're guaranteed to run into someone important when you woke up late and didn't put on makeup though.
48. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
49. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes. How is that possible? Even when I make playlists??
50. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles... Nice.
51. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists. They're everywhere in this little wooded community I live in.
52. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
53. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood. Hilarious!
54. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. Or I'll change their name to "DO NOT ANSWER." There's about ten in my phone right now.
55. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid,I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college. "Hundreds of dollars worth of birth control, I coulda been rich!" said Sassypants.
56. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what to do with it.
57. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time... Flying like a vampire out of the bed, too.
58. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that? Not a clue.
59. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on andthe link takes me to a video instead of text.
60. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit. Hahaha.
61. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
62. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay. Or roofies, whatever.
63. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Back at square one.

So, exBF's sister had a baby two weeks ago. I've been dreading going over there, just because I haven't seen her since her brother and I broke up, and I used to be over there every single day and we were great friends. It hurts me so much that I'm no longer part of their family, and I miss her and exBF's mom almost as much as I still miss him... which is a lot. A hell of a lot.

But I needed to put my feelings aside and go see that sweet baby boy and give them the gift I had bought for them, and try to be a grown up. I decided to go yesterday, and I had a little pep talk with myself in my head on the way over and felt okay about it. To add to the trepidation, she lives around the corner from my old house, so it was super hard going back to the neighborhood that I had loved so much and me and BF had so many memories there. Anyway. I did it, and didn't even cry when I pulled into the subdivision.

The visit was great, both she and her mom were there, and we chatted for a while about the birth, the baby, her other child, and everything going on in our lives. Everyone seemed to skate around the subject of the breakup, which was just fine with me. Ex "MIL"'s phone rang a couple of times and she took the calls in the other room, and one time I swore I heard exBF's voice, but I wasn't sure. Anyway, it was a great visit, and I held the tiny baby the whole time, and it was awesome. Made me miss having one for a minute.

All of a sudden I hear the front door open, and I assume it's her husband coming home from work. I'm looking down at the baby and goo goo ga ga'ing, then I hear "Hey". Look up, and it's exBF, in the flesh, right in front of me. I pause for a good 5 seconds, and manage to squeak out "Hi", and look right back down at the baby, trying not to drop him.

I haven't seen him in two months. I haven't talked to or had a text from him in a month and a half. I still think about him a million times a day, but I think I'm doing an okay job of keeping myself together. All of that flew out of the window when I saw him again, and I'm so mad at myself. He went into to the kitchen, and I got up and handed the baby back to his mom, and ran in the back room to get MP so we could leave. It was awkward like times ten, with a capital A. I was seriously shaking so bad I could barely hug his mom and sister goodbye, and the tears were about to start falling down my face. As I left, ex "MIL" followed me out, and was apologizing over and over, as I'm crying, and saying he had called earlier, and she told him I was over there and to wait to come over until I left. She's sitting there consoling me and I feel like a complete ass. It wasn't her fault he was there, yet she's apologizing. This is why I love this woman so much... she really did care for me like a daughter, and was pretty upset when things didn't work out between her son and I.

So I feel like I'm back at the beginning of the emotional rollercoaster, and I'm a wreck all over again. I wish I just would have mailed the gift.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Babydaddy Drama

I've posted before about the idiot that I call my babydaddy... shockingly, there's never a shortage of ways he can piss me off. Let me give you an example of what level of idiocy we're dealing with here: at the beginning of the summer, the dumbass shot himself in the foot while cleaning his gun. Yeah, stupid motherfucker didn't check to see if it was loaded first. Hole through his foot, blood everywhere, police called, multiple surgeries, you get it... And he's responsible for my child??? I forbade MP to go to his house until babydaddy's wife assured me she got rid of the guns in the house. Clearly this asshole has no business owning firearms if he can't be responsible enough to keep them unloaded in a house with CHILDREN running around. I shudder to think what could have happened if MP or one of her sisters got ahold of one of the guns while he was taking a nap or something.

So he wanted MP for a few weeks during the summer as usual, but once he got her up there he called me and asked if he could keep her a few more weeks so he could take her to the amusement park, water park, etc. I said okay, knowing damn well HE wouldn't be doing any of these things with her (his wife, mother, and sisters would), since he never does, but allowed it because MP loves spending time with her two sisters.

MP stayed most of the summer with them, and when I got her back, she had some interesting stories. **SIDENOTE: I make it a point to never, EVER, talk bad about him in front of her. I think (as I'm sure most of you mothers that have a child with an ex think as well) that whatever drama unfolds between us is to never be brought up in front of the child, as she needs to form her own opinions about her parents and not be forced to be uncomfortable, choose sides, etc. I have never and will never bad-mouth that SOB in front of MP, as hard as it is sometimes. :) I'll just bite my tongue and vent to my friends or to you guys.**

When talking to MP about all the fun she had and things she did, she mentions of course that daddy didn't go anywhere with them and she stayed at a sitter's for a lot of the summer. Then she says, "Daddy was talking to Aunt Rachel and said you probably didn't break your arm on a trampoline, you broke it in a B-A-R. But I can spell and I know he said bar, like where you go with your friends sometimes."

What has two thumbs and was LIVID? THIS GIRL.

I immediately texted him and said "Next time you want to say something rude about me and spell it out in front of my child, remember she can read now."

He responded, acting like he had no idea what I was talking about, and it went back and forth for a few minutes until I stopped wasting my time. Basically he was calling MP a drama queen and liar. Two days later, he called my cell, and I immediately handed the phone to MP because I have no desire to talk to him. She talks to him for a total of two minutes then hands the phone back to me. "Daddy wants to talk to you". Awesome.

We proceed to get in the WWIII of Amber/Babydaddy fights. This is the guy who hasn't called MP on her birthday in two years, who always sends his mom or wife to pick up MP instead of coming himself, who doesn't call her and ask about school, etc. I can honestly count on one hand the times he's called her to talk this year. Babydaddy yells at me that I never said thank you for the school clothes he bought her. I replied that I thanked his MOTHER profusely, since she was the one who took MP shopping and paid for them. He had nothing to do with it. I also reminded him that I haven't gotten a thank you for housing her, feeding her, attending all school parties and after school activities, being there 24-7 for her, and basically keeping her alive for the past 6 years. I get $200 a month (if his wife remembers to send it) for child support, and THAT'S FAIR??? I just spent twice that amount signing her up for dance, after-school care, paying for school supplies and getting her a new cute haircut for the school year. And that was in the span of three days.

I ended the conversation by hanging up on him (mature, I know) because he wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise. He kept trying to be calm and say, "I don't know where all this hostility comes from, Amber. I can talk calm, why do you have to yell and curse at me?" I honestly have only been that angry about 5 times in my life, and cursing comes along with that kind of anger. The thing that totally set me off and sent me into orbit was when we were talking about visitation, and he said, "Earlier this summer when I called you to keep her longer, I wasn't asking you, I was TELLING you I was keeping her longer."

Psycho say WHAT??? He sure didn't have that cocky attitude when he had her in his posession, because I would have been in the car with my 6'4" brother and dad in two seconds.

So, here's my dilemma. I called the Texas Attorney General's office, who handles my child support, to see what my options were. Our custody agreement was done when MP was 5 months old, and clearly our lives, living situations, etc. are different now. The office told me that I'd have to hire a private lawyer if I wanted the court order changed, and basically if he doesn't have a job, there's no way I can get more child support than what he's paying now. Apparently people think that you can actually raise a child on $200 a month. So that aside, I would like to amend the court order in regards to visitation. We alternate holidays, which I don't like, but understand that's what normally happens, so I can deal with that. But he's insisting that he gets her for two months straight during the summer, and I think that is entirely too long a time period for her to be gone. Also worth mentioning is that I have always generously met them over halfway the distance between Houston and San Antonio to pick her up or drop her off, and I'm wondering if I can get it put in the order that they have to pick her up from my residence.

This went on quite a bit longer than I wanted to... so if you still are with me here at the end, I would appreciate to know what you'd do. Get an attorney? Leave it alone? I have to give it a lot more thought, but as of right now I'm leaning toward the attorney...

Let me mention that I want to do what is best for my daughter in all of this, regardless of what I want... I know that she needs to spend time with her father and his family, and I'll do whatever it takes to make her happy. I just think that some of his demands are excessive, and when she is asking to go back to mommy's house because she misses me, she needs to be able to.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

I cannot make this shit up.

An actual instant messenger conversation that happened between me and Sassypants just now. She is known for her book smarts, not her common sense smarts. Every so often, she provides me with a story to make fun of her until she dies. This is one of them. (I still love you, though, Sassy...)

**Back story: a high school classmate of ours lost his leg in Iraq. She must have been looking at his facebook profile or something when she had a lightbulb go off.**

Sassypants: do you think *classmate's name*'s kids have legs?

Me: um

Sassypants: well he's missing one

Long pause in IM conversation

Me: I wasn't away from my computer that long, I was just staring at it to figure out if you were serious
Me: and I see you are
Me: so I'll say, yes, Amber, they have legs
Me: Losing legs in a war is not genetic.

Sassypants: but it's possilble that they don't

Me: Again, pausing.

Sassypants: I'll just go look at his pictures

Me: Ok, yes, it is POSSIBLE they don't due to a birth defect, but just because he doesn't have a leg (that he lost in war) does not mean that his kids won't have them.

Sassypants: they do, in fact, have legs

Me: I am totally posting this on my blog.

Sassypants: what?

Me: This IM conversation

Sassypants: is this funny?

Me: Are you delusional? Of course it's funny. Just like you asking where the homecoming game was going to be.

Sassypants: I see what you're saying
Sassypants: that the leg thing can't be passed on genetically
Sassypants: but he lost his leg BEFORE they were born

Me: Would you ever think of asking anyone that had a baby if their kid had both legs?

Sassypants: well no
Sassypants: I would just look at it

Me: **crickets**

Sassypants: moving on

Me: I see this conversation going nowhere fast.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Dear Miss Priss

I understand you're still getting used to the new house we moved into. You weren't here for the first few weeks when I was alone and getting used it, so I can relate to the fact that being in a new place is a little different. But you have got to learn that those noises outside are made by TREES, those things we didn't have around our old house. Any time a pine needle grazes your window, it doesn't mean a bad guy is out there trying to break in. Oh, and while we're on the topic of bad guys, every time you see a white van, that doesn't mean a bad guy is in it waiting to steal cute little blue eyed girls. Sometimes they are just white vans, or cleaning services, or windshield repair guys. There is also no need for you to get out of your bed 5 trillion times during the night to tell me you are scared or have to potty. It scares mommy to death when her door is flown open and you yell "MOM" at the top of your lungs. Enough to where the first words out of my mouth are probably something a sailor shouldn't hear, much less your innocent six year old ears. On top of that, it doesn't help mommy's coworkers when she's a raving bitch due to lack of sleep the next day.

Your paranoia is waayy premature for your age. You stress about things I would never consider a six year old thinks about. You shouldn't start worrying about everything until you have rent and bills to pay and another mouth to feed. On that note, please stop telling everyone that we had to go to the grocery store because mommy had NOTHING for you to eat in the house. That was because I'll be damned if I'm going to cook a four course meal for only myself, and with a broken arm to boot. So, yeah, there were more beers than edible items in my refrigerator when you got back from your traveling summer, but I have rectified that situation so could you puhLEEZ stop telling strangers that mommy likes whiskey? Mmmkay, thanks.

I still love you more than you'll ever know, and when you come and cuddle with me on the couch, it makes my week. And when I told you BF wouldn't be around anymore, and you told me I should go on the internet and find a boyfriend on because I'm beautiful, it made me smile for the first time in a while when his name was mentioned in a sentence. Ahhh to be so sweet and innocent again.

So, baby girl, let's work on these issues of being unneccesarily worrisome and scared (I think it's a ruse for you to try to sleep in my bed, but whatever), and it will be smooth sailing at the bachelorette pad from now on.

Love you more than the moon and sun,

Friday, July 31, 2009

Last man standing

I got a call today from my best friend (the other one, not Sassypants), to tell me that she got engaged in the Bahamas this week. I am so happy for her, she has been dating her boyfriend (well, fiance' now I suppose) for over five years, and we all knew it was coming, but just didn't know when. In the midst of my happiness for her, I felt a weird twinge in my stomach. I dismissed it until I was talking to Sassypants later, and she asked if I was okay. That's when it hit me - sadness. Sassy knew what I was feeling without me even knowing it. I feel like such an asshole for even being a tiny bit sad/jealous/whatever, but I guess I'm not the first one to feel like this. Sassypants says she feels the same way when someone comes up pregnant... it's not that she is any less happy for the person, it's just bittersweet for her because that's what she's been wanting and can't have. It probably doesn't help that I'm on the heels of a breakup and want to stab any happy couple I see in the eye with my dinner fork.

But that's another issue I'm working on that has nothing to do with this post. :)

Anyhoo, when I started thinking, I quickly realized that I am the ONLY, I repeat, ONLY person in my several different groups of friends that is not engaged or married. I'm not looking for sympathy or poor pitiful Amber or anything, it's just a strange thing to be the only one left out of the group without a significant other. Trips and get togethers with my friends can be torturous when you're the only one without a date, regardless of if you are friends with everyone and their S.O. or not. There was an episode of Sex and the City titled, "They Shoot Single People, Don't They?" or something like that, which echoes my sentiments exactly.

To sum up, I'm so grateful that I didn't marry that guy I was engaged to at 19 years old, or stay in the relationship with the controlling asshole at age 23, or any of the other stupid boys I've dated before, just to say I'm with someone. I know that I am fine on my own, and I will most likely get married someday. And if I don't, I don't. I just wanted to write this because I'm quite positive I'm not the only person out there who's felt a twinge of jealousy toward a friend, regardless of your genuine happiness for them... and I kinda needed to let it out.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

It's a bird... it's a plane... no, it's Amber D.!

I've had several requests for what exactly went down with the broken arm incident, so I guess I'm ready to oblige. As embarrassing as it was, it was hilarious, and I can appreciate the humor even when I made an ass of myself.

One day after work, it wasn't humid, sunny, and 105 degrees outside, so I decided I could stand to do some exercise. Without MP at the house, I've had a lot of free time and couldn't bear sitting in the house watching TV anymore. MP has a trampoline in the back yard, so I decided that would be my exercise. I used to jump on the trampoline as a teenager for hours on end, and was in fab shape (which probably had more to do with teenage metabolism, but whatever), so I figured that could be a fun workout. I'm down for anything that doesn't require me to go to the gym.

My brother was staying with me for most of the summer while he was on break from teaching, so he came outside to hang out while I was jumping. He then says the words that caused the past few weeks of doctor's appointments: "I bet you can't still do a back flip."

Shit. Of COURSE I can still do a back flip, and handsprings, and front flip, and aerial, and anything else. Don't challenge me, bitch.

So I proceed to show him the friggin' awesome display of my gymnastics skills, all while my dog is going ape shit with all the bouncing going on. After a few minutes, in the middle of an awesome flip, I see my dog bouncing up and down trying to get my attention, and lose focus. For one stupid second. And that's when it happened.

As I was upside down, I looked over at the psychotic dog and didn't fully rotate around... I landed the flip on my toes instead of my flat feet, which caused me to shoot off the trampoline at warp speed, looking exactly like this guy:

I shit you not, I was completely horizontal. I landed about 8 feet from the trampoline on my right hand and knee, narrowly missing the fence, did a barrel roll on the ground, and hopped up to my feet. Like I meant to do it, the whole thing was planned as a TA-DA finale to my awesome performance. My brother was concerned for one whole second, then started cracking up and didn't stop for a good 10 minutes. He said it was one of the funniest things he'd ever seen.

I didn't realize I was hurt until the next day, when I woke up and couldn't bend my arm past 90 degrees or move my wrist. My brother took me to the doctor, who confirmed via xray that I had, in fact, fractured both my wrist and elbow. And you all know the rest pretty much... soft cast then hard cast. Thank GOD I only had to wear the hard cast up until last week, I am now cast free and plan to stay on solid ground forever.

So there ya go. Feel free to ridicule me, but I'll assure you I've heard it all already. My nicknames from my brother and friends range from ARMageddon to kickin' chicken wing, and my brother tells everyone I'm allergic to gravity. Whatever.

I'll never make the mistake of trying to exercise again.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

You really like me?

So, apparently I do still have a few readers that will check in when I write every month or so (not like I had a ton of readers before, but you know... I take what I can get). Courtney, aka Whiskey Girl, gave me an award! So thanks, Courtney, for staying along with me during this ridiculous ass-rape-with-no-lube of a summer I've had.

I'm supposed to give the award to 15 other awesome blogs that I follow, but I want it to be more selective and a bigger deal for my winners. (That's totally bullshit, I am really just lazy and don't want to have to go click on a ton of blogs while I'm at work to copy and paste the names of the funny blogs I follow but they probably don't know, since they have millions of readers and don't give a shit who I am).

Was that the longest sentence in parentheses in America? I think so. Moving on.

So I have picked the following lovely ladies who have really been awesome at leaving me cheerful, sarcastic, and sexual comments lately. I truly do appreciate you keeping up with me until I get my bloggy mojo back.

So here are the rules:

1) Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award and his or her blog link.

2) Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

And here are my homies:

Candice at Life According to Candice
Calico over at Calicobebop
My bitch Crystal at It's Not Me, It's You
Samsmama at Raising Stink
And, of course, Tits McGee at Sassy Pants Mommy.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Some pics from the Aerosmith/ZZ Top concert

Since we were way, way, WAY back on the lawn, I have no good pics of the bands... But here are some with the group, the beards, and a great glimpse of my awesome orange cast.

Me, my brother, and his best friend doing the ZZ pose (well, they're doing it, I'm trying with the cast...):

Waiting on the concert to start:

Me and Justin, aka QB, or Bizzle:

My brother, me, and QB:

Dancing to ZZ Top:

And here are me and Paula with the beards on. Just call me Billy F. Gibbons.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Since you're prolly sick of the whiny posts

I have a weekend on tap that has put me in the best mood I've been in since June 17th. Here's the agenda:

Tonight = Aerosmith and ZZ Top. My brother is already waiting at my house with a handle of whiskey and a stack of ZZ Top CD's in the stereo. I'm leaving the office at 11 to work from home (translation: drink whiskey, listen to ZZ and try to work till 3). We'll pre-pregame at my house, then pregame at a bar across the street from the amphitheater, then on to the concert at 7. I'm stoked, if you can't tell.

Tomorrow = New Kids on the Block, round two. It's gonna be AWESOME. Pretty much the same plan of pre-pregaming and pregaming as the night before, but probably with beer instead of whiskey. Nobody likes a group of bourbon-infused bitches. Concert starts around 7, at the same arena as the other concert... which happens to be 5 minutes from my house. We'll have a group of girls screaming their heads off for our childhood/teen idols, and it will be batshit crazy. But that's how I like it!

Sunday = MP comes back from her dad's!! Six weeks without her, and I'm climbing the fucking walls. I can't wait to see her, I will have to restrain myself from cuddling her to death. I need some hugs and kisses!!

Thanks to everyone for the comments... sorry I haven't really been responding. Work and life takes three times the amount of time to do with only one arm. I'll be back once this cast is off. :)

Monday, July 6, 2009

You're never gonna believe this...

But I broke my arm. Yup. In the midst of all the other stuff going on, and in addition to a bladder condition that was just diagnosed that's way fun, I broke my fucking arm. I'm in a soft cast until Wednesday, then a regular one for 6 weeks. I'm going to quit saying things can't get worse, because God's up there laughing, "Silly girl... it can ALWAYS get worse. SEE?"

It just took me ten minutes to type that paragraph, so I'll see if Sassypants will guest post the story sometime.

Oh, did I mention it's my right arm? You can probably guess that I'm not a lefty. :)

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Whining... in numbers.

38 - Hours I went without talking to a human (the dog doesn't count) until this morning, except via texting. And there were only about 4 of those.

15 - Days until I have to be moved into the new house. Haven't packed a thing.

7 - Days that BF and I have been broken up, and it's not getting any easier.

1 - Day until what would have been our 1 year anniversary. Probably the reason it's not getting easier.

5 - Number of miles between my new house and exBF's house. When I got the house, thought it would be an awesome thing, now it sucks balls. I do not need daily reminders of him as I'm driving home.

1 - Number of empty wine bottles in my trash can, consumed from 6:30 - 9:30 last night.

3 - Number of empty Natural Lite beer cans next to the wine bottle, consumed after the aforementioned wine was gone. (Don't judge on the cheap beer).

10 to 31 - days until I get MP back from her dad's. The first game plan was for him to keep her until July 5th, now he's trying to keep her until July 25th. I really don't think I can hold out that long. I've only seen her for two days since June 3rd, and I'm dying.

Sorry for all the woe-is-me bitching. It's just a really bad time for me right now. I know things will get better, and I've been through worse life experiences than this, but I also know it takes time, and I wish it didn't. I'm just so sick of being sad.

Monday, June 22, 2009


Damn, this sucks. Why does it physically feel like your heart is being crushed?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Photo post.

So my friend sent me some of her pictures from the river. Too lazy to write a post, so pictures will have to do since I've had a couple of requests for them. :)

Here's me and TM on our first night there. We took the no makeup rule very seriously. (That's BF's best friend behind us, being an ass as usual).

We got ahold of a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill, and passed it around until it was gone...took us a grand total of about three minutes. We insisted on doing it as a throwback to our high school days. Our 16 year old selves would have been proud.

We had to start the mornings off with flip cup games, to get rid of the hangovers we had from the night before. Hair of the dog, I guess you could say. **Oh, and that's my brother's date (who I got in a fight with), standing next to me. I guess we got over it.**

Someone threw my brother's shirt in the tree, so the girls took it upon ourselves to pull out old cheerleading stunts. On a hill. After we had been drinking. No idea how someone didn't end up hurt.

Here's me and BF at the concert. This was his hungover day, but he managed to almost smile. That's better than he normally does.

Here's my Friday afternoon downward-spiral-inducing keg stand. This is where all the bad stuff started. If only I knew then, I would have never done this!

Friday, June 12, 2009

Get off your soapbox, kid.

So, I'm out for dinner and drinks last night with a friend, and we're sitting out on the patio of the restaurant in the humid Texas air, enjoying our margaritas and nachos. As most of you know, I'm a smoker, and have written a couple of posts about the annoyances of Judgy McJudgerson people. After I finish eating, I light a cigarette (since we're outside in the smoking section) and continue gossiping with my friend, when a lady from the next table comes over and squats next to me. This is the conversation that followed:

Her: "I'm so sorry to bother you, but can I ask you something? It's really embarrassing..."
Me: "Sure, what's up?"
Her: "Well, my daughter's been at day camp all this week, and today they had a discussion about smoking and cancer. She noticed you were smoking and started crying, and she wants to come and talk to you about what she learned today. She's very concerned."
Me: ** crickets chirping **

The lady calls her 6 or 7 year old daughter over, with me sitting there, eyes wide, mouth agape, not believing this is happening...The little girl approaches with tears in her eyes and then I proceed to get lectured about the dangers of smoking. Like I'm not aware.

Child: "Um, so I've been at camp and today we talked about smoking and do you know that smoking will give you black lung?"
Child: "And cancer?"
Child: "And will kill you?"
Child: "And it's gross?"
Me: "I know, baby... thank you for being concerned, that is very sweet. I'd like to quit, but it's kind of hard. You know that ice cream cone you have in your hand? Imagine me taking that away from you and you never getting to have one again. That's what I'd feel if I stopped smoking right now. But I really appreciate your concern."

Maybe it was the margaritas that made me be a bitch to a kid. I really don't care. I get that she was doing a sweet thing, but as a mother, no way in hell would I ever, EVER, allow my child to go lecture another adult on anything they were doing. That is inappropriate and rude. So maybe I should have said something to the mom instead of making this kid picture a life without ice cream, but maybe that will teach the mom to get some manners of her own and not let her child approach strangers and start preaching the benefits of a healthier lifestyle.

The nerve of some people.