Friday, September 18, 2009

Adventures at lunchtime

Sassypants and I work together, as most of you know. We also have lunch together every day, unless one of us has a meeting or something. We'll eat in one of our offices, or if we're having one of those "I'mgonnakillthenextmotherfuckerthatwalksinhere" kind of days, we'll go out to lunch, just for the safety of our coworkers.

Sassy's blogged about our lunch hour before. You'd think that we wouldn't have too many crazy things happen, since we only go out maybe once a week, but au contraire, my friend. Here are happenings from THIS WEEK ALONE:

Tuesday: Had one of those days where we wanted to go sit on a patio and share taquitos and smoke cigs during lunch. Normal for us. Went to a decent Mexican restaurant, and sat down with some chips and hot sauce and gossip. I happen to see commotion over Sassy's shoulder, and stop whatever I'm saying mid-sentence. I say under my breath, barely moving my mouth, "Oh my God, look over there. Don't stare." (Sassypants is a notorious starer.) Behind her were four girls in their mid-twenties, posing provocatively with a plastic parrot (how's that for alliteration, English majors?). Like, one girl was bent over so her vajayjay was in the parrot's mouth, and one was behind it doing it doggystyle, one was laughing, and one was the photographer. They kept switching positions and giggling for about 4-5 minutes. Sassy and I had no words. We just stared at each other, wide-eyed until they finished their parrot threeway. I should mention it was about 11AM. I should also mention they all had beers in their hands, which probably contributed to the photo session. Now, I've probably been one to do drunken funny photo sessions with my friends, but NOT AT ELEVEN AM DURING LUNCH HOUR IN A RESTAURANT WITH PROFESSIONALS EVERYWHERE. Maybe I'm just old, but I don't need to see that shit when I'm eating.

Today: Sassy and I are leaving the area we work in (if you don't know, it's a pretty ghetto part of town, with one of the country's wealthiest oil and gas company's headquarters smack in the middle of it. Why my employer decided to set up shop in the midst of bike stealing and gunfire, I'll never know). We are sitting at a stop light and see a guy and his girlfriend walk across the street. The dude is holding his 7-inches-too-big pants up with one hand, and holding his old lady's hand with the other. A truck pulls up next to us, and for some reason 'Lil Scrappy decides to start talking shit to the driver. I couldn't see what the driver said or did, but as he turned his truck onto the next street, homey hit the side of the truck with his hands and raised his arms above his head, taunting the driver to bring it. The truck stopped, but there was traffic coming, so he had to end up going on down the road. I would have loved it if some big ass country dude with a cowboy hat jumped out and squashed that little gangbanger.

Also today: The restaurant we chose to go to is famous for their "Throw'd Rolls". Crystal, you definitely know this restaurant. It's a country restaurant, with awesome chicken fried steak, fried okra, fried anything, and taters. Really healthy, right? The rolls are to die for. There's a guy who walks around and throws you the rolls. Yes, you read that right... if you want a roll, you have to catch it. The best part is that the guy who throws the rolls is slightly on the... how do I put it nicely? He's slightly on the "slow" side. Like, his IQ is probably low 90's. Not the sharpest pencil in the box. I think you understand. So when he asks you if you want a hot roll, he looks at you quizzically and says, "Haaat rooooowwww?" You really have to be there, but it's all but impossible to not laugh. **For the record, I am not a hateful bitch and do not make fun of slow people. This guy is just on a level all by himself.** Anyway, he threw a roll from across the room to the guy at the table next to us, and smoked him in the side of the head. The guy was a bit stunned, the the roll thrower acted like this happens every day (which I'm sure it does) and just threw another one over.

Today, again: As Sassypants and I are having a smoke outside the restaurant, we see a guy on a scooter riding through the parking lot. Ok, fine. But he had a deputy's badge painted on his Rascal scooter, and made several laps around the parking lot. I think he may have been security. Or at least he had convinced himself that he was security. Who knows.

We actually stopped ourselves from laughing today to ask if the world has just gone insane, or does this shit happen to ANYONE ELSE?!?


Courtney said...

I'm moving to Texas and working where you guys work. These stories are fucking AWESOME!!!

Crystal said...


I thought you were very nice when you said his IQ is in the 90's.


Candice said...

I definitely want to have lunch with you biatches.

I also really want a haat rooowww.. YAY!! Hot rowwwwwwwww..

I'm going to hell. See you both there.

Amber D. said...

Courtney - bring it, bitch! We could use another smart ass in our building.

Crystal - I was trying to be generous. You know exactly how this dude is. Maybe at your wedding I can be a "Roll Thrower"?

Candice - Let's meet halfway between Dallas and H-Town on a Saturday. There'd be alcohol involved, I'm sure, so who knows what could happen. And I'll save you a seat in hell. Bring a fan for us.

Sassy Pants said...

Just say it Amber..he's slightly on the MR side...he rides the short bus and licks the windows...IQ of 90 my big fat ass!

word verif - grunhkxy
The sound I make when big daddy tries to have sex with me in my sleep.

Amber D. said...

Amber - you may want to rephrase that as "my husband" instead of "big daddy"... reading quickly, it looks like "The sound I make when my daddy tries to have sex with me in my sleep."


Sassy Pants said...

Do you see my anonymity over there? Yes, up there...a little to the left. That's right...YOU JUST KILLED IT!

Amber D. said...

LOL I didn't even realize I did that. Well, I think you actually killed your anonymity when you posted a picture of your birthday cake with YOUR NAME ON IT on your blog.


gert said...

You guys do indeed sound like fun and I want to do lunch as well. As the mom of a son with autism, I might ask you to hold the funnies about people with lower IQ's. It's so much better to make fun of people with regular ones who think they're smart!

And um...I wonder if the "hot rowwws" thrower ever hits anyone in the head on purpose? That's something to ponder...I mean he could totally get away with it, right?!


Amber D. said...

Gert, there was no offense meant, and I mean that most sincerely. Thanks for being so nice about it... I frankly think you handled that better than I could have if I was in your shoes. Point duly noted, and many apologies if you were offended.

Happy to see you came to my blog, and looking forward to checking out yours. :)

LivingDeadNurse said...

hehe...i have been to that throwed roll daughter (age8 at the time) thought it would be great to put her had up to catch the roll...the guy was great and could get it right to your hand..what he wasn't expecting was for her to freak out and change her mind...which caused it to bounce of the next table..whoops

MDubs said...

I'm laughing so f'ing hard right now.

gert said...

Amber- no offense taken, honestly. If you don't have laughter, you have nothing. My family, has even on occasion, forgotten to be politically correct and called each other "ruh-tards".

You weren't being mean-spirited about it and that's the difference.