Friday, May 29, 2009

I left my liver at the river... along with some dignity.

I'm gonna try to make this as quick as possible, but you know I ramble... so here goes the Memorial Weekend Rundown (or a few highlights) for ya...

* Night one: my brother brought a skank with him (he literally said to me, all I want to do this weekend is drink and fornicate. I swear, word for word, that's what he said). Skank proceeds to get completely inebriated and pisses off just about everyone that was at the house that night, except me (yet). I was actually defending her to everyone because I felt bad that everybody was ganging up on her. Now, I'm normally an even tempered person, but later I walk into the kitchen to hear BF say ouch, and find out that the skank tapped his man-junk. Sassypants was in bed at this point and could hear what was going on, and I really don't remember what happened, but I hear that I lunged at her like a bear and yelled something along the lines of, "THAT'S MY BOYFRIEND, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!?!" as I chest bumped her or something, and my brother and BF picked me up and removed me from the premises, kicking and screaming. I know anyone reading this would have done the same. What's mine is mine and if you touch my man anywhere near his peen, you will not live to see tomorrow. Especially if you tapping it makes his balls hurt, and that in turn makes him useless to me later that evening. Totally kidding, but you get what I'm saying.

* The next morning, everyone wakes up and grabs beers for breakfast, and heads down to hang out in the water in front of the house. No huge drama during the day really, we also had a keg so I of course had to do a keg stand. I think this was the beginning of the end for me. I am never one to not remember things, but later that evening I completely blacked out any memories, only to be told the next day what transpired. I know there was a lot of drinking whiskey out of the bottle, another keg stand, lots of flip cup, and that's about it. I think someone gave me an Adderall too (yeah, I know, WTF?). I was told I made some potatoes to go along with the steak and beans, but nobody got a picture, so I can't be completely sure of that. I know I didn't eat a thing. And when someone was nice (or concerned) enough to make me a sandwich, with no mayo of course, I took a bite of it and then hurled it into the yard, screeching "I don't want this shit". Allegedly. I also allegedly almost took off BF's face because I whizzed it in his direction. I am completely embarrassed, and when people started telling me what had gone on the next morning, I wanted to die. And not just because of the massive hangover I had.

* Saturday we planned to go tubing in the river. All was great until we got in the water, then the sun decided to be a big 'ol bitch and go away. The water was probably around 50 degrees, and I really thought I was going to get hypothermia. Sassypants and I hooked our legs on each other's tubes so we wouldn't lose each other, and I was shaking like a leaf the whole time, therefore making her tube shake too. My nipples could cut diamonds, I literally had to hold my ta-tas so I wouldn't be inappropriate to the children around. And to top it off, we didn't move at all the whole hour and a half we were in the water. Then it starts raining. We say fuck it and get out at some stranger's yard and walk back to the place to return the tubes. Sassy and I walked a total of 2 minutes, and it took us 1 1/2 hours to float that distance. So that was the end of floating the river.

* Meanwhile, there were a lot of random people that kept showing up, who had heard about our place. We knew them, but my deal was, BF and I fronted the money for this place and nobody's getting a free ride. These people expected to just eat our food, drink our beer, and crash FOR FREE. Not no but HELL NO I said. I ended up confronting several people about it, and I'm sure that made me a mega bitch, but I'm all about being fair. So one of the chicks that showed up is married to one of BF's rugby buddies. She proceeds to have sex with SIX DIFFERENT DUDES over the next two days. I'll let you marinate on that for a minute. SIX DIFFERENT DUDES. MARRIED. MOM. Yeah, I know, I'm disgusted as well. In my heyday I didn't have sex with six different people in a year! So from then on, I wouldn't sit on the toilet seat for the remainder of the trip, and I showered with flip flops on. I'm sure there are STD's creeping all over that poor house. Gross...moving on.

* Sunday morning we wake up and BF has a massive hangover. Massive enough to where he didn't get out of bed at all during the day. I've never in my life seen him like that, and I've known the guy for about 4-5 years. I actually went and got Sassy to come check his pulse because I was so concerned. He wanted to be left alone and sleep, so I went and hung out and drank with the people who were outside. That evening we had tickets to a band we like, so we load up and head over there. This is when I find out that my brother's skank date is only 20. I had been contributing to a minor all damn weekend. That pissed me off to no end... I'm too old for shit like that, man. So at the bar, the girl washes off the X's on her hands they put on there to make sure everyone knows she's a minor. Within 10 minutes, a cop comes over to our group and motions for her to come over. He proceeds to re-X her hands SUPER DARK (and that made me crack up), and let her go. Bitch still finds a way to drink, and by the end of the night my brother is begging dudes to please take her off his hands. I guess even fornicating wasn't worth putting up with that bitch.

All in all, we did have a lot of fun. There was great music, lots of good friends, and lots of memories made. I'll try to get some pics up once I get them. I didn't keep this blog short and sweet like I said I would, but there was so much to be told!! There's still so much more, but maybe I'll let Sassypants finish the stories up. I'm gonna go and plan another river trip now.


Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Lessons learned from Memorial Weekend...

The list is long, but I'm still too tired to really think right now... so here's what I can come up with for now:

1. Don't get close to a BBQ pit and stoke it while drinking. You will end up with 2nd degree burns all over your body, and worse of all, on your nipples.
2. Don't bring an underage person to the river, she will annoy everyone. And you might catch her in the bathroom with her hand down some dude's pants that isn't her date.
3. Even people who are shy and don't talk at all will show their boobs when prompted.
4. As organized as you think you are, you still will not collect money
from moochers. And when they say thanks for a good time you'll say "Sure, glad you got a free ride" and he'll think YOU'RE the bitch.
5. It IS possible for one girl to bang 6 dudes in a 48 hour period.
6. Me and Sassypants still rock at flip cup, even when
7. If someone is nice enough to make you a sandwich, you don't throw it in the yard angrily, and narrowly avoid BF's face.
8. Even the biggest beer snobs will resort to drinking Natural Light or Lone Star when that's all you got.
9. If you come with a date, then go to a bar and bring another girl home, don't expect there to not be tension when your date finds you in bed with the random stranger.
10. When you have a set number that can stay in the house you rented, that number will increase by 15 once everyone starts inviting stragglers.
11. Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" WILL make everyone stop what they're doing and come on the porch for a mass sing along. Twice in a row.

That's all for now. I'll give you the complete rundown of the four days at the river once I recover in a month or so.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The laziest blog post in America.

Just click here. I couldn't tell this story better if I tried.......

It's a must read, I promise!

Monday, May 18, 2009

Is it possible to still be drunk from two days ago?

I don't think it is, but I still ain't right. The crawfish boil was awesome, we had a great time despite the monsoon that blew in mid-party. We started out with a ton of beer and made 4 (count 'em), FOUR beer runs after that because we kept running out. We might have a drinking problem, I dunno.

Will post more about the party later, or I'm sure TM will... I need to get back to normal first.

Monday, May 11, 2009

An addendum to my last post...

Another thing I'm excited about...

My birthday! Ok, well I'm not excited about turning 29 on Sunday(for the first time, thankyouverymuch), but I AM excited about what we're doing for the party on Saturday:


I'm a coonass to the core, and few things make me happier than sitting down in front of a table full of spicy mudbugs, corn, and taters, with a cold beer in my hand and some good music playing on the radio. We had planned on doing the crawfish boil at my house, but thinking about it more, we decided to do it at TM's house, since she has a bigger back patio that's covered, and there's more room for the kiddos to play. Anyhoo, I'm pretty pumped about this weekend... let's hope the weather is nice to us!

Equation for my happiness, for you visual learners:




Happy Amber!!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Anticipation of upcoming events...

Three things I am super duper excited about:

1. Our trip to the Guadalupe River over Memorial Day weekend. We have a group of about 16 people going, and Sassypants and her hubs are included in that crazy group. There will be four days of no kids, lots of beer, sun, tubing the river, gossiping with the gals, relaxing, and BBQing. We're also hitting up a Cory Morrow concert at the local icehouse Sunday night. I. Can't. Wait.

Here's a pic of the river from the back porch of the house we rented, just to give you a small taste of the paradise we'll be experiencing:

2. I snagged some tickets for me and my brother to see Aerosmith with ZZ Top on Friday, July 17th. Not sure if I've mentioned it before, but I LOVE ZZ TOP. I've seen Aerosmith before and they put on a hell of a show, but I don't miss a ZZ Top concert that is within a hundred mile radius of where I live. This will be my 9th time seeing them, and it never gets old. My brother has a fake beard I made for him that he wears every time we go see them, and he looks just like Billy F. Gibbons. Here's a pic from a concert a few years ago:

He's the one to the far left, standing next to BF. I'm on the far right.

3. Saturday, July 18th, the night after Aerosmith/ZZ Top, we have a girls' night to go see THESE GUYS:

Sassypants and I got our tickets the minute they went on sale. We had such a blast at the first concert in October 2008, we decided we had to go again. This time we're getting vintage NKOTB shirts off of eBay and going straight 80's style. Again, I CAN'T WAIT!!! We were transformed into screaming teenagers as soon as they came on stage, and sang every song and danced all their old choreography right along with them. It makes me excited just thinking about it.

Here we are at the last concert:

So, now, we wait...

In my favorite words by Pink Floyd: Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day...