Thursday, February 26, 2009

IM conversation of the day

TM and I work for a company who has interoffice IM capabilities... great if you need to find something out quickly without waiting on an email or actually talking to a person, but bad if you and your best friend work at the same job. We are on it all day long.

Below is part of a conversation we've had today...

**BACKSTORY: We live in Houston, and today the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo is opening. There are people who trek here on their horses, in wagons and shit, from all over the state and even lots of other states, to go to the rodeo. We also work in a place referred to as "Gunspoint" because of all the minority crime. There have been multiple shootings since we've worked here, all within a 1/2 mile radius.

Me... the trail riders are going down Greenspoint Dr. right now
TM... cool
Me... the neighborhood peeps here aren't going to know what the hell is goings on
Me... I think they're camping out at Greenspoint mall
Me... hope they brought their trusty rifles, and if they're BBQing they better watch their back
TM... OMG are they crazy?
Me... yeah I know
Me... I see a bunch of trailers over there
TM... I wonder why on earth they picked that spot?
Me... Um, to make it more like the Wild Wild West, with shootouts and bandits and all?
TM... ohhh, right
Me... I'd like to walk over there and ask if 2 weeks on the friggin "Oregon Trail" has made them crazy enough to stop here and set up camp
Me... And if riding a horse down I-10 is anything like our ancestors had to go through

... Ten minutes later ...

TM... I'm bored
Me... um yeah, uh huh me too
Me... let's go jack with the chuck wagon gang over at the mall

TM... wait, would that mean we'd have to *walk* over there?
Me... well they *rode in a wagon* or *on a horse*
TM... hmm
Me... I'll take walking over misaligning my spine.
TM... I'm just not willing to put my life at risk
Me... this is true
TM... it's hard enough for me to get from the bldg to the garage
TM... AND down a flight of stairs
Me... I'd hate to have on my grave marker "She died surrounded by cowboys and cowgirls in a blaze of gang fight gunfire"

Yep, my friends, just another day at the office...

Monday, February 23, 2009

My first and last fistfight.

TM and I were in a goofy mood Friday afternoon, and were reminiscing about some of our shenanigans over the past few years. This story came up, and she pretty much told me I HAD to blog about it. So here it is.

Halloween is always a holiday I look forward to. We always dress up and go out and have a great time. A couple of years ago, Halloween fell on a Wednesday, so we had already celebrated the previous weekend (because what grown up with a real job can REALLY go out on a work night?). Well, turns out, MP was at her dad's that year, so this grown up with a real job decided not to sit home and be sad about not taking her kiddo trick or treating, and went out. On a work night.

A friend of mine was the one who convinced me, so we got all dressed up in our costumes and went to a bar. We met some of her work buddies out there (one was actually her boss), and found out they were having a costume contest. I should mention how we were dressed, I suppose...

Me: Army girl (costume from the previous year that I had to re-wear because my goddess costume had Jaeger Bomb stains on it from the weekend before)
Friend: Bumblebee
Friend's Boss: Rocker dude with eyeliner, fake tats, etc.
Friend's Coworker #1: A cowboy, complete with stuffed horse that attached to his waist
Friend's Coworker #2: Guy from the movie Office Space: it was awesome, he had attached Post-Its to completely cover his suit, briefcase, shoes, head, EVERYTHING, and had the red stapler as well. It was very original.

So that was our group. When we get to the club and find out about the contest, we all force Office Space guy (OSg) to go enter because his costume was awesome. He complies and goes up to register. Bumblebee friend and I are dancing and drinking, and it's pretty packed, so we go to the edge of the dance floor to watch the contest. There were the standard hooker girls with not much more than a smile on, the buff guys dressed up as firefighters or cops (pretty unoriginal), and a few other randoms, along with OSg. My bumblebee friend had gone to get the rest of our group when OSg came on stage, and the crowd started laughing and clapping. I was trying to get him to win, so I was telling everyone around me to yell for him (because the winner was determined by loudness of the crowd or something). Everyone's being cool and saying sure, we'll yell for him, then I get to this big Mexican bitch. I tap her on the shoulder politely and ask her to yell for OSg and she glares at me, turns around, and pours a beer on my head. Yes, that's correct. She POURED HER BEER ON MY FREAKING HEAD. For what!? Asking her to yell!?

I was completely in shock, and stood there for at least 30 seconds with my mouth open. I turned around to find my bumblebee friend, who was behind me standing with her boss. When I got to her, she was like, "Um, WTF happened to your hair and mascara?", and I told her a big Mexican bitch poured her beer on me. She asked which one, so I turned to look for her, and she happened to be standing exactly where she had been a second ago. I said, "This one", as my arm took on a life of its own and poured my beer on her head. Eye for an eye, bitch. Then it was on.

I should mention the BMB (Big Mexican Bitch) had about 10 inches and 150 lbs on me. This is pertinent information.

BMB turns around, with beer dripping down her face just like it had done mine a few minutes ago, and lunges at me. In a total bitch move, she grabbed me by my hair (at the time, it was pretty long, so there was a lot to grab). I start swinging, as she has me in a death grip, but she's so tall that I can barely connect with her face. So I start trying to connect with her huge gut that is right in front of me. All of a sudden, I see black and yellow flying in my direction. Bumblebee friend saw it go down and decided that two small girls equal one BMB. She literally has to jump up to reach this chick, and proceeds to stick her thumb in her eye, and claw the other side of her face. BMB never even threw a punch, all she did was grab my hair and try to elbow bumblebee friend, but there wasn't time for anymore... because here come the bouncers. Great.

One bouncer grabs me, somehow gets his arms entertwined in mine and lifts me up to where my feet are dangling about 6" off the ground, and starts carrying me out. The whole time, I'm kicking and screaming, "I'm cool, man! I'm cool! Let me go!". I see bumblebee in front of me, getting carried out the same way. We get carried out past her coworkers (nice), and the bartender guy that had been calling me for a week or so, who had the most puzzled look on his face. Like, a this-bitch-is-crazy kind of look.

The bouncers put me and bumblebee against the wall and ask WTF happened. BMB is also outside, still yelling at me in Spanish and pointing her finger at us. In the glow of the streetlights she was way scarier. We knew a lot of the people who worked at the bar, so we told them what happened and they found us to not be a threat, so they let us back in. I was really scared that BMB would be waiting in her El Camino or something when we left later that night, but all was good.

In conclusion, I would like to state for the record that I am not a crazy ghetto bitch. That was the first altercation I had ever been in, and I was 27. I was totally provoked. And she started it.

Also, I'm really glad I wasn't wearing the goddess dress with heels like I wanted to. I was more prepared for combat wearing this:

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Summation of last pictures

Last Friday TM and I (and our significant others) went to see one of our favorite bands, Cross Canadian Ragweed... here are some pics that might give you insight to our silly lives:

Here we have me and TM. I think this might be the only non-drunk picture we have together!

Here we have me and BF posing for a nice, clean pic... and TM's hand sneaking up and groping me. I mean, her ta tas are three times the size of mine, she could get more out of it by copping a feel of her own chest!! Just sayin'.

Here I am, checking out her hubby's nice ASSets. He's got a ghetto booty, and he says that's the only reason I wanna hang out with him. He might be right. Note the quantities of beer littering our table...

Here are me and TM, not-so-patiently waiting for the opening act singer to shut her piehole and let Ragweed come on stage. We're obviously not into the band that's the opener. (Again, all the beers... GEEZ!)

And here are BF and I, with photographic evidence that I constantly annoy him. He's trying to smile, but looks pained. I was probably drunk singing. Eh, he puts up with me. :)

We all had fun though, except for the memory loss we all seemed to experience after midway through the concert (and obviously after many beers and shots). Thank goodness TM had a camera so we could go back and piece together that night's events...

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Dating and the Black Hole Theory

As you must know by now, I'm not a single gal. But for about, oh, 4 years I was. And it was, for lack of a better word, interesting. I developed a theory that Tits McGee can totally corroborate. It's called the Black Hole Theory. Here's the scoop:

I would go out with a seemingly great guy. We would hit it off and seem to have a great time, and it would seem like there would be a second date. Emphasis on the word seem (three times). Date would end, maybe a kiss, maybe not, then he would say he'd call. But that would never happen. Sure, that happens a lot in the dating world, I get it. It's just part of the hazards of dating. But, you see, it happened EVERY TIME. And the guy would seriously disappear off the face of the earth. REALLY. I lived in a very small town, where everyone knows everyone and their business, and these people would literally cease to exist, never to be heard from again.

Before you're quick to think I'm an awful date, I will say that I'm not hideously ugly, boring, or have a terrible body odor. All my guy friends have said this, so I know it's true. :) I'm not narcissistic or arrogant, self-centered, or obsessed with hair, nails, teacup chihuahuas, the color pink, or saying the phrase "that's hot". I've been told I'm a catch (again, by all my guy friends), I like my "me time", therefore I like for him to have his guy time without me, I'll watch sports and drink beer and shots of whiskey, I prefer a sports bar or hole in the wall joint over a wine or martini bar, and I have no problem with getting muddy riding 4-wheelers or going fishing on the river. So what's the problem?

To this day, I have no clue why these guys decided to write me off on the first date. (Actually, some made it to two). It seriously became such a joke that TM would make a comment whenever I gave my number to someone that I better enjoy the one date I was gonna get, if he even called at all. (I was not offended by this at all, it really became a running joke between us for the longest time).

One guy, the morning after our second date, de-friended me (is that a word?) on myspace and changed his profile to private, and his status to say something about "the one that I'm in love with". Um, ok... guess he's not talking about me? And why is he dating other people if he's that close to falling in love?! Oh, shit, maybe I was so awful that I pushed him over the edge to loving some other person!! I wanted to go stalker style and find the girl and tell her that the morning before he decided he loved her he had taken me to the movies then out for drinks and tried to feel me up, but I refrained. I AM an adult, after all. :)

Next victim, same thing. Out for dinner and margaritas and back to my house to watch a movie. This one, I think I got figured out though... he kept trying to paw me during the movie and I wasn't having it. I think he thought he was gonna get some, so when I didn't give it up, guess that was a good reason for him to run for the hills. I never heard from or saw him again.

Last one (there are many more, but this post is getting long): bass player in a local band. Totally hot. Buys me a drink in the bar, gets my number, and I actually kiss him goodnight after making plans to go out the following weekend (I was drunk, not easy). :) Go to work the next day and am telling a friend about him, and she asks his name, I tell her, and her face goes white. I am, of course, very observant and ask WTF the problem is, do you know him? She says, uh, yeah, that's my friend's boyfriend. And they aren't even having problems. (PS - his name was a very common one, like, say, Brian White. There could have been lots of them in my town. Oh but wait - the whole playing bass guitar in the local band thing... right. Not likely there was another one of those.) Needless to say, our date was cancelled, without either one of us calling each other. I heard they broke up. And I haven't seen him since. But I'm sure you figured that out.

I also have quite a few stories about guys I went out with and then they married the next person they dated (I'm like Good Luck Chuck, there were honestly about 8 of those), or the psychos that I've dated and all the batshit crazy stuff they pulled, but thinking about all this makes me appreciate that I finally have a good relationship. For those single ladies out there... I feel your pain. It's hard out there, yo!

Monday, February 2, 2009

Bucket List

Ok, I know I haven't posted in a while but I've been up to my ears in training at work, so I'm going to be lazy and post something that I had saved in my drafts... just for times like these. :)

This is a "bucket list". The idea is to highlight or change the color of the items you've completed. I highlighted in pink the things I've completed. What all have YOU done?

1. Started your own blog. - Duh. Obviously.

2. Slept under the stars. - I've been camping in a tent, so I guess that counts.

3. Played in a band. - Does playing the flute in Jr. High band count?

4. Visited Hawaii. - Not yet.

5. Watched a meteor shower.

6. Given more than you can afford to charity. - Unfortunately I live paycheck to paycheck! I'll volunteer my time, though.

7. Been to Disneyland. - Not yet.

8. Climbed a mountain. - I'm so not the athletic type.

9. Held a praying mantis. - Sure.

10. Sang a solo. - Hell to the NAW. I suck at singing.

12. Visited Paris. - No, but I WILL!

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea.

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch.

15. Adopted a child.

16. Had food poisoning.

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty. - I went to NYC when I was a kid, but the stairs were closed. I woulda though.

18. Grown your own vegetables. - When I was a kid my parents had a garden, does that count?

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France. - Never been to Europe.

20. Slept in an overnight train.

21. Had a pillow fight.

22. Hitchhiked. - Uh no.

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill. - Guilty. Everyone does it. Right?

24. Built a snow fort. - Um well I've seen snow once in my lifetime, and it melted when it hit the ground. So no.

25. Held a lamb.

26. Gone skinny dipping. - Ah, drunken nights.

27. Run a marathon. - Again, so not the athlete.

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice. - Quit rubbing it in that I haven't been to Europe!

29. Seen a total eclipse.

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset. - On the beach is the best.

31. Hit a home run. - Psh.

32. Been on a cruise. - I really don't have the desire to, I'd rather just fly somewhere exotic and stay there.

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person.

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors.

35. Seen an Amish community - quite interesting.

36. Taught yourself a new language. - my brother and I had our own language as kids.

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied. - I'm getting there, but I don't think money is what makes you satisfied.

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person.

39. Gone rock climbing. - here's an athletic endeavor I've actually done!

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David. - Uh NO, list writer, I haven't been to Europe!

41. Sung karaoke. - Ohhh yeah, me and TM rocked out some ZZ Top and Janis Joplin.

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt.

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant. - I've bought a homeless guy a Happy Meal, does that count?

44. Visited Africa.

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight.

46. Been transported in an ambulance. - MP has, I rode with her.

47. Had your portrait painted. - Caricature?

48. Gone deep sea fishing. - I've been on the boat but didn't catch anything.

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person. - GRR.

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris. - Double GRR.

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling. - Snorkeling.

52. Kissed in the rain.

53. Played in the mud. - Before I was a prissy girly-girl.

55. Been in a movie. - I've been on America's Funniest Home Videos, that's as close to a movie as I'll get.

56. Visited the Great Wall of China.

57. Started a business.

58. Taken a martial arts class.

59. Visited Russia.

60. Served at a soup kitchen. - after Katrina, when a bunch of evacuees were in my hometown.

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies.

62. Gone whale watching.

63. Got flowers for no reason. - Sad, right? :)

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp. (where are 64 and 65??)

67. Bounced a check. - Helloooo, bad idea to give a 16 year old a checking account.

68. Flown in a helicopter.

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy. - Still got my teddy.

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial. - 8th grade trip.

71. Eaten caviar. - just to say I had... GROSS!

72. Pieced a quilt. - I've helped work on one.

73. Stood in Times Square. - When I was a kid.

74. Toured the Everglades.

75. Been fired from a job.

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London.

77. Broken a bone. - My left arm in 7th grade and the weak ankle in 2004.

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle.

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person. - I've flown over it?

80. Published a book.

81. Visited the Vatican.

82. Bought a brand new car.

83. Walked in Jerusalem.

84. Had your picture in the newspaper. - Several times.

85. Read the entire Bible. - Only some.

86. Visited the White House. - Pretty cool digs.

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating. - Fish.

88. Had chicken pox. - 1st grade, on my friggin birthday.

89. Saved someone’s life.

90. Sat on a jury.

91. Met someone famous. - Lots of bands, I'm a total groupie. Without the sex part.

92. Joined a book club. - As a teen. I liked to read, I wasn't a nerd. Ok I was.

93. Lost a loved one. - Unfortunately

94. Had a baby - my sweet Miss Priss!

95. Seen the Alamo in person. - Lived in San Antonio for a while.

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake.

97. Been involved in a lawsuit. - I worked for a lawyer, so I suppose I've been involved in several... just none involving me.

98. Owned a cell phone. - I mean, come on.

99. Been stung by a bee.

100. Read an entire book in one day. - That's usually the way it goes!

Hmm... guess I'm not TOO boring!!