Monday, August 24, 2009

Random thoughts

I got this email from a friend, and had to share... I know it's taking the lazy road, but I'm positive you all will love it. Sassypants and I almost pissed ourselves reading it. It's a list of a lot of things we've probably all thought of, but never voiced out loud. Enjoy! (My comments in italics)

1. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me. Guilty.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. But it's if you choose to admit you're wrong that's the dilemma.
3. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
4. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk. I do this ALL.THE.TIME.
5. That's enough, Nickelback. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. Couldn't agree more.
6. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. Right!?
7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again. I'll give you a minute to figure it out...
8. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft. This is so true, and it baffles me... how did we ALL just know to do that??
9. There is a great need for sarcasm font. YES!
10. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first saw it. Ha, Saturday Night Fever. My mom told me the condom they showed in it was candy. Imagine my surprise the first time I saw a condom in real life.
11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it. Again, guilty!
12. The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can re cognize their own image. All I can say is LMAO.
13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? Thank you!
14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each handthan take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. It's called laziness, and I'm diagnosed.
15. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. After reading this, Sassy and I agreed and shook on it.
16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying tofinish a text. So true.
17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it. I liked this so much I used it as my facebook status.
18. Was learning cursive really necessary? No shit. My signature is half cursive, half print. I normally write in all caps.
19. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say". Yup.
20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. Gawd, I wish I would have figured that out 20 pounds ago.
21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying. Haven't taken a scantron test in a while, but I do remember that.
22. My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro. LMAO.
23. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart",all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart". Ahhhh Sassypants, this one's for you. :)
24. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said? I think three times, tops.
25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers! I LOVE THIS!! Wait your turn like the rest of us, asshole.
26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies". Did this last week. I said N as in Ninja.
27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other? That would be awesome.
28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. NO SHIT.
30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. I always think this!
31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water. WHY would you want the first blast of cold water??
32. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never getdirty, and you can wear them forever. True dat. And by the third wear, they are stretched out perfectly. 33. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
34. Bad decisions make good stories. Hence most of my blog posts.
35. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do! Yessss.
36. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year? I am terrified of what it's going to be like when MP is in high school. Lord help me.
37. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible. LMAO. Or really good at hiding.
38. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem.... This is a staple of every meeting we have at work, and I still start stuttering over my own name! WTF.
39. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day. This usually happens mid morning for me.
40. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection. I'm down!
41. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. I wonder how many deaths we'd see in obituaries from this?
42. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to. I have to always hit cancel and go re-read the document.
43. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever. It also means I won't buy it.
44. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of peoplewatching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?' That's why I'm never the remote holder. I'm too much of a people pleaser, and it stresses me out.
45. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed. We should probably check on this.
46. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away? LMAO. Like times TEN.
47. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. Happens to me all the time. You're guaranteed to run into someone important when you woke up late and didn't put on makeup though.
48. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
49. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes. How is that possible? Even when I make playlists??
50. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles... Nice.
51. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists. They're everywhere in this little wooded community I live in.
52. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
53. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood. Hilarious!
54. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. Or I'll change their name to "DO NOT ANSWER." There's about ten in my phone right now.
55. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid,I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college. "Hundreds of dollars worth of birth control, I coulda been rich!" said Sassypants.
56. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what to do with it.
57. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time... Flying like a vampire out of the bed, too.
58. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that? Not a clue.
59. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on andthe link takes me to a video instead of text.
60. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit. Hahaha.
61. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
62. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay. Or roofies, whatever.
63. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

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