Tuesday, December 7, 2010

You should know better.

Yeah, I said I was going to be blogging more on the regular in my last post... this summer. If you were disappointed, it's your own fault because you can see I never do as I say I will, at least in respect to blogging. BUT here I am!

So much has happened in the last 6 months or so. Here's one of the stories that I'm famous for, one of those "no way that really happened" tales. If I'm good for nothing else, my life is great for a good laugh.

That boyfriend I talked about in my last post lasted less than a month. It goes down as one of the "Black Hole Theory" stories of ALL TIME. It's a great story for you married/attached friends out there who have the grass-is-greener-complex about us singles!

This guy, let's call him R.J. (names have not been changed to protect the guilty) and I met in July at a restaurant I go to a lot. He came up to me and started talking to me, but I was in the midst of grieving over a good friend who had passed away that week, and more worried about drowning my sorrows than hooking up with anyone. Needless to say, I was not the most approachable person that evening and blew him off. A few days later he found me on facebook, and sent me a message. I ignored the request and message, but the next week, he was back at the restaurant again and I was a little more able to talk to people, so I let him buy me a drink. He got my number and asked me out for the next week, and I hesitantly said okay (I hadn't been on a REAL date in years, unless you count going to a bar with a guy and paying for my own drinks as a REAL date).

He took me to a super nice restaurant, and we had a great time (and two bottles of wine... that probably made it more fun), and talked for so long we missed the movie we were supposed to go to. It was still relatively early, so we went to a dive bar (my favorite!) and talked and drank some more. It was really fun being with him - but if you know anything about me, you know I have walls bigger than that one in China built up around me. I am very cautious about letting people in, due to my sordid past of douchebag exes who have cheated, lied, and dated my friends. I have trust issues, to put it mildly. But R.J. said and did everything right, so I agreed to see him again.

So things went great for a couple of weeks, and then I finally decided I might be able to not hyperventilate at the thought of calling someone my boyfriend. So we made it official, and things were great... for four days. He suddenly got really busy, work was really stressful, and the gym and tannning and laundry (no, he's not from Jersey Shore) were taking up a lot of his time. I finally laid it out on the table, I'm not going to compete for my "boyfriend"'s time with free weights and dryer sheets. He apologized and promised to come over the next night so we could have dinner and watch a movie. He was supposed to be here at 6:30, but didn't show up until 10. The next morning, he kissed me goodbye, said he'd call me when he got to work, walked out the door, and that is the last I've heard from him since.

Within a day, he had deleted me off his facebook friends and wouldn't respond to any of my texts asking if he was alive. I only texted him a couple of times, because I'll be damned if I turn into one of those chicks who lets the dude know he got to her. So. WTF happened?? I still don't know. I was talking to a different guy for a week or so a few months after the R.J. incident, and the exact same thing happened, he just stopped calling and texting, and dropped off the face of the earth. It has got to be something I'm doing, but I have no idea what it is. My girlfriends that I've shared these stories with are as puzzled as I am.

Anywho, I really really (cross your fingers) really am going to try to keep up with this blog more frequently, I super promise. I have many more stories of events that have transpired over the past few months, and I need to entertain yall with them, just so you can convince me I'm not as crazy as I think I am. :)

Thursday, August 5, 2010


(Sing that like David Bowie, okay?)

Yeah I know, it's been over two months. Sorry. MAJOR shit has gone down in my personal life... lots of changes. And in my favorite way to recap, I'll give you a list!

Things I've done in the past month and a half:

*Quit my corporate job.
*Got a job at a teeny construction company.
*Moved back to the area where I grew up.
*Traded in living in a house for a townhome (I like it way better, no yard to mow!)
*Got me one of those boyfriend thingys.
*Possibly may be breaking up with that boyfriend thingy (jury's still out, I should have a decision by the weekend).
*Readjusting to small town living.

All of this is for the best for MP and I, and I am very happy with my decision. I thought long and hard for 6 months before I made the move, and although I worry every day still, I feel more at peace with this decision than a lot of the ones I've made in the past 4 years. I decided I wanted my daughter to grow up in a small town like I did, and be closer to family.

So. We shall see how this all turns out. I'm uncharacteristically optimistic about it all.

Hope to be back posting more on the regular. :)

Monday, May 17, 2010

Dirty 30.

Today's the day I've been dreading for the past, oh, six or so years. My 30th birthday. I know it's all in my head, I shouldn't be so upset and depressed about it, yeah I get it. But it's just something I've been pretty much stressing over for quite some time now.

Friday night my friend Kristin and I went to dinner and to a bar for some drinks. Apparently, I couldn't handle my liquor because I puked at the bar, outside on the deck. It was super classy. The only thing I can come up with is that I shouldn't have downed the margaritas at dinner, because I had my normal amount of alcohol, the only different variable was the margaritas. So, sorry, Rita, you and I will no longer be friendly acquaintances. You too, tequila. Those relationships are O-V-E-R. Some nice guy at the bar saw me puking and dragged over a trash can for me. Thanks, random stranger. Mucho appreciated. Kristin quickly called a cab and we went home. By that time, I was feeling much better, so when we got back we started drinking beers again. Puke 'n rally, bitches! We stayed up till about 4 drinking and dancing to rap music in our bikinis (no, I don't know why). It was, minus the ralfing at the bar, a good night with my bestie I haven't seen in a while.

Saturday when I woke up I drove out to my brother's place. The original plan was for us to go to a friend's house and BBQ and swim in her pool all day, but Mother Nature had a different plan and the torrential rain prevented us from doing that. Ended up just hanging out with my bro and Stephanie at his place, then that evening we went to the Magnolia Music Fest and saw a Texas Country singer, Cory Morrow. It was a good time, although I was still kind of hurting from the previous night's brou-ha-ha. The festival had a bunch of food booths and some small rides and stuff, but by far the coolest thing was the white tigers they had. Yes, REAL white tigers. We paid $3 each to go see them, and ended up going back about 5 or 6 more times throughout the night. Steph and I even got to feed the daddy tiger. There was also a mom tiger who had given birth to two cubs the morning before, and they were so friggin cute.

So that was my birthday celebration. This weekend my friends are throwing a crawfish boil in honor of my birthday and one of my friend's as well. Should be a great time.

Today, I took the day off work and pretty much laid in bed all day. That's just about all I wanted to do. Finally around 5ish I said fuck it and got up and took the kiddo and I out to eat for my birthday. Nobody else was gonna take me, and I'll be damned if I'm going to sit at home and cook hot dogs on my big 3-0. It made my day better when I checked my facebook and had like 60 new notifications, all of my friends wishing me a happy day. The one thing that's really upsetting me is the person who's supposed to be my best friend never called or even texted me. As I'm writing this, it's 8:37, so if she calls later I'll delete this part, but I'd place a large sum of money as a bet that she won't. We got in what I thought was a small disagreement, but it's been two weeks now and we haven't spoken. I just would think that whatever issues there were, she knows how I've been down in the dumps about this birthday, and I made a huge effort to make hers memorable, so I would assume she'd put away the angriness and call a truce just to say Happy Birthday. But I guess that's not important to her right now. It really hurts, and is what has been in the back of my mind all day. I just never thought a best friend would act this way, but I've been wrong before...

Friday, May 7, 2010

Proof that karma is real.

So, last weekend was another busy one. One of the guys my brother played rugby with was getting married in Austin (a couple hours away from here), and my brother's girlfriend Stephanie and I drove up after work on Friday. My brother had to be there early to help cook for the rehearsal dinner, so Steph and I decided to carpool, and it was one of the funnest road trips ever. We got some Boone's Farm wine on the way out, and jammed to Journey, Eminem, and Guns N Roses on the way up. I had plans to hang out with Tara, one of my best friends from my hometown who now lives in Austin, so I headed over there after we met up with my brother once we got in town.

Tara took me to this honky tonk bar - just my kind of place. Juke box, pool tables, big outdoor space with picnic tables. You get it. I love low key places like this. We were sitting outside for most of the night, enjoying the beautiful Austin weather. I went inside at one point to get us some shots, and as I was chatting with the bartender, this middle aged lady next to me turns around, looks me up and down, and says, "I'm cuter than you".

I had no words. I looked at the bartender, with my mouth open, and he was cracking up. By this time I was pretty drunk, so I tapped the lady on the shoulder and said, "Could you please repeat what you just said?". She rolled her eyes and turned back around.

I was in shock. And pretty pissed, mind you. This bitch looked like she had been rode hard and put away wet a LOT in the 70's, before I was even born. She was NOT cuter than me (this said while crossing my arms and stomping my foot like a toddler). Had I not been drunk, I know it wouldn't have bothered me. Anyway, I told Tara about it, and she laughed, and we made fun of middle aged lady all night. It was pretty fun.

The next night was the wedding. Ex BF Jered was there, which I knew he would be, but I was determined not to say a word to him. As we walked up, he stopped and said hello, and I just mumbled hi as I walked by. I just did not want to have anything at all to do with him, so he couldn't go back and tell his skank girlfriend I was talking to him so she'd text me.

Later, at the reception, Jered was walking around with those disposable cameras that people sometimes have at weddings. He was taking pictures of people around me, then leans over, sticks the camera in my face, says "HATE ME", and snaps a picture. The poor bride is going to have the meanest looking picture of me, because I was glaring at him as he took the picture. What a tool.

Even later in the evening, I was at a table talking with some of the guys. I mentioned how I didn't think I was anywhere close to drunk, even after drinking beer for 4 hours, I just felt tired. Jered apparently had been standing behind me the whole time and said, "That's why I've been drinking Sangria all night, do you want some?" I paused for a few seconds and said, "Okay, I'll go with you to get some because I don't know where it is (it was hidden inside the reception hall kitchen), but you are not allowed to look at me or talk to me the entire time, ok?" He agreed, and we went inside, and as he was pouring me a drink I said, "The reason you are not allowed to speak to me is because you twisted everything last weekend so you'd seem like a big shot to your whore girlfriend, and I am not dealing with that firecrotch's drama anymore. I don't want ANYTHING to do with you after you finish pouring me that drink". He looked at me and grunted, I guess because he was following my directions not to speak, and I took my drink and walked away.

At the end of the night, everyone decided to get in the huge hot tub at the reception location. We had all thought ahead to bring swimsuits (well most of us), so we dragged the keg over and grabbed someone's iPod, and had a great time. Jered apparently didn't think ahead, so he just stood around the outside of the hot tub looking like a creeper. About an hour passed, and he decided to just get in in his boxers. As soon as he got in, I got out and told my brother and Steph I was ready. I think we all were. We loaded up and went back to the bed and breakfast we were staying at.

Sooo here's where the title of the blog comes in. I got a text last night that said:

"Jered was making out with one of the bridesmaids in the hot tub until 4AM after yall left the reception."

I just about died laughing. Firecrotch bitch was so quick to gloat about having Jered on her arm, and how much they love each other, but he CHEATED ON HER IN A HOT TUB. He never cheated on me, and said he would never cheat on anyone. Guess she's the exception.

So, Firecrotch slut screwed a man that was married for over 2 years, then broke girl code and dated a friend's ex, and now got cheated on. That's a pretty blatant example of karma, if you ask me. I don't think I've been this happy in a while. I really really really want to text her and say something, but I know that she won't believe me and will think I'm starting shit. Which is the whole point, I'd love to gloat in her face like she did in mine, but I guess I'm going to have to be the bigger person here and let her find out on her own.

I'm going to my parents' house this weekend, so it's very likely I'll have some stories next week. I hope everyone has a great Mother's Day weekend! I'll leave you with some pictures from the wedding:

Group shot of the girls - "We're cuter than you!"

Me and Steph

My brother and I (a little fuzzy)

My friend Kim and I

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Flopping Douchebag.

This past Friday was my brother's college rugby team's annual Alumni weekend, which I haven't missed in the past 9 or 10 years. It's always a blast, everyone comes back for the weekend and it's a great chance to see everyone who we used to party with every weekend. Re-live the glory days, if you will. Yes, I know I didn't play rugby, but those guys and their wives/girlfriends are some of my best friends, and I look forward to this weekend all year.

I got to Huntsville (the town it's held in) around 4 on Friday afternoon. It's tradition to head to the local bar that is home to the ruggers, and my brother calls it the best bar on the Earth. I have to agree. It's a great place, everyone knows everyone, the owner's super understanding of the crazy rugby players that pay his light bill every month, and the jukebox has got awesome music on it. My brother and his girlfriend Stephanie showed up about 10-15 minutes after I did, and the party was on.

About an hour or so after I got there, I glanced in the parking lot and saw my ex boyfriend Jered walking up. I may have mentioned before that he played rugby with my brother, so I pretty much knew he'd be there, and had prepared myself. Funny thing is, he actually PLAYED on the team, and I didn't of course, but everyone preferred to hang out with me at the bar and took my side on the whole breakup. THAT's pretty damn cool if you ask me. He looked so out of place and uncomfortable, and Steph and I kept giggling about it all night. La-hooo, za-herrr.

I had been avoiding the tool for the entire afternoon and evening, but around 8 or 9 he came up to me, grabbed my arm, and asked if we could talk about things. I was incredibly inebriated by this point so I rolled my eyes and said fine. We walked to the side of the bar and he starts to tell me how he really hates how things turned out with us, he was hoping we could be friends. I told him that we WERE cool when we broke up, I had no problems with being friends one day after I got over the heartbreak stuff, but then he started dating the ugly whorebag ex friend of mine. Yes, I used all of those words. I also called her firecrotch slut, disgusting, and almost anything else I could think of. I also said I'm surprised he would date a girl who slept with married men. He didn't really say much as I was talking shit on his girlfriend, which was surprising. I also said she and him deserved each other because they are both shitty people. He then proceeded to tell me that he loves her. I was with the guy for an entire YEAR and he would always tell me that he didn't love me. That kind of stopped me in my tracks, because I realized he was trying to hurt me, but it didn't work because I am so over it. I said, "well maybe she can deal with your weird sexual fetishes because I sure couldn't, even though I did love you". I think I won that round.

He told me that I'd left some boxes at my old house (his new girlfriend's house, remember) when I moved out, and that he'd brought them with him because he figured he'd see my brother. I told him, let's go get them because I wanted that to be the end of it... closure. We walked to his truck then to my car to put the stuff away, then he walked back over to where my brother and Steph were sitting. And that's when the best thing I've ever seen happened.

I introduced Steph to Jered, she looked him up and down with narrowed eyes, and said, "Oh, yes, you must be Amber's douchebag ex."

I died laughing.

Thank you, Steph, for that. I think that's an introduction for the history books.

He walked off shortly after that, and the party continued. We went back to one of our friends' houses for the after party, and douchebag ex showed up and passed out on the couch. I went downstairs to go to sleep around 4 (I think).

The next morning I woke up, on the floor, with no pillow, with one of my guy friends spooning me with his hand in my jeans pocket. Under a snuggie. WTF. It's probably one of the weirdest things I've woken up to. I was fully clothed though, so all was good.

Then I checked my phone, and there was a text from the ex's girlfriend. It said, "Please grow up".

WHAT.THE.FUCK. I was beyond livid.

I responded "Lose my number, bitch", and ran upstairs to look for Jered. I found him on the couch he passed out on and smacked him in the head to wake him up. I said, "I don't know what the fuck you told your whore girlfriend but obviously she's a psycho. Tell her to NEVER call or text me again". He looked thoroughly confused, and said he'd take care of it, and as we were talking another text came through from her - "Then stop talking about." I told him he could add on to the message to never call me again that she should probably learn grammar and the English language as well.

All I can think of is that he told her that I was talking shit about her, which isn't a lie. I'm sure there was some exaggeration on his part so he could feel important, but that's okay. Some people feel the need to lie to feel better about themselves.

I'll be seeing him again this weekend for one of the rugby guys' weddings. I asked him last weekend if he was going and he said he was, and said he wasn't bringing his girlfriend because he didn't think it was appropriate. Now, why would it be appropriate to date her but not bring her?? I think he was worried I'd start something with her, which I would NEVER do at someone's wedding. I WOULD, however, make damn sure that none of my friends talked to her, which means the only person that she could conversate with would be her boyfriend. I kinda wish she would go just so I could see it. :)

This post ran a lot longer than expected, so I'll fill you in on the ZZ Top concert I went to Saturday night at another time.

**UPDATE: Upon reading this, Steph sent me the following email that I think I should include because it's funny: "You forgot the part when I asked Jered why he wasn’t bringing fire crotch to the wedding and he told me “it just wouldn’t be appropriate” to which I responded “Oh but f*cking her behind Amber’s back for several weeks after Amber specifically asked Laine NOT to go after you was appropriate”?"***

You see why I love her?

Oh yeah, Sassypants is doing well, she's due in a couple of months, and is having another boy. She is beyond ready to pop the kid out, and is extremely miserable. I'm going to get on her to post on her blog, since she's been MIA for MONTHS.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

What does the barber say? Neeeeext!

Below is the story of the dude I was seeing. I'm hella busy at work, but feel like a total asshole because I never post anymore. So here goes...

I've known Chris since junior high, never really hung out with him because he's two years older, but he was always at high school parties and whatnot so our paths crossed often. Later, I'd see him occasionally at bars, but he was dating this girl I knew and they had a crazy psychotic relationship that everyone made fun of (kinda like this-isn't-working-but-if-I-can't-have-you-nobody-will-and-I'll-burn-your-fucking-house-down kind of thing). I'd heard all kinds of stuff that she was straight-jacket-crazy, but we have a bunch of mutual friends so I'd see her out a lot, and she never seemed like that to me. Little did I know.

Over the Christmas holidays, I ended up going over to Chris's house a few times with my brother, who is good friends with Chris's roommate. We got to talking one night, and Chris mentioned he had tickets to go see Lil Wayne (don't judge, you know you'd go too) and said he couldn't find anyone to go with him, would I wanna go? I said hell yeah and gave him my number, and that was the beginning. He texted me that night, and every single day after that until the end. Didn't end up getting to go to the concert because I had to be back in Houston and didn't want to drive back to my hometown in the middle of the week for just one night, but it was ok. After New Year's, I went back home and Chris invited me over to hang out and watch the Cowboys game (I love the Cowboys!). That was the beginning. Long story short, we ended up seeing each other every weekend for two months.

During this time, I knew his psycho ex would freak out if she found out we were seeing each other, so I asked him to keep it quiet for the sake of my car tires and for his testicles. She'd have cut them both if she found out. I was thinking there was no need for her to know since it wasn't anything serious.

**Before you go thinking I broke girl code and refer back to what happened to me a few months ago, I'll clarify that me and his ex weren't friends, didn't hang out, anything like that, so I didn't feel I was crossing a line. I honestly thought long and hard (hee hee) about it, and after talking to several friends, we all came to the conclusion that I was NOT breaking girl code. Just to be clear. :) Anyway, back to the story**

So, after over a month or so of talking every day and seeing each other every weekend, and him getting a little jealous of guys hitting on me while we're out, I decide to have the talk about where this is going. I also decide that we haven't been really discreet about this, so since there are so many mutual friends, crazy ex is bound to find out, and I think she should hear it from him instead of through the gossip mill. I should probably mention that the crazy ex called him all the time, and one time when I posted what bar I was at on facebook, she commented and said, "Chris is there playing pool" and immediately started blowing his phone up asking who was all in the bar. I obviously went there with him, but said, "oh yeah I just saw him... small world". This made me start thinking... she knew he was there, so he must be actually talking to her, instead of ignoring her calls like he told me he was doing. Hmmm.

Few weeks later, Chris is supposed to come to Houston to stay with me for the weekend. Monday night of that week, he called me and said, "Hey, crazy ex found out about you and I seeing each other, if she calls you don't answer". Which she did about 5 minutes later. Now, my thoughts were, it's not my place to get involved in whatever drama they have. Below is the text conversation we had after I didn't answer her call:

Crazy Ex (CE): "I am not trying to be the crazy ex [she even said it!!] but I know you have been talking to Chris. I am hurt. I know you have to be aware of how close Chris and I and how much we love each other. I just want to talk to you about this."

Me: "I'm sorry if you're hurt. Don't know how you heard but wanted it to be from him and not from anyone else. I don't see why we'd need to talk about this though."

CE: "Oh I have been talking to him about this and will more in a bit. I stay with him at least once a month. I was there all last week. [Funny, because I stayed with him that weekend. Another example of her delusions.] I could forward you tons of text messages from today on how much he loves me and misses me and that he wants to marry me still."

Me: "See, this is what I didn't want... drama. I'm going to let you guys hash it out, I really don't want to be involved. I could tell you what he says to me but that's not my place and it's none of your business."

So I let Chris know what's going on and went to bed, sick of dealing with all this. At 2:30 AM I get a text from her that says:

"Sorry so late. Chris and I are okay. We're going to give it another shot. We really do love each other a lot. I asked him if this would upset you but he said no that you were just friends and nothing more".


The next morning, he called as usual, and I said, so I guess we're done here, right, you're back with crazy ex? And he said, "WTF are you talking about, no way... she called me last night saying she was going to kill herself, shaking a bottle of pills into the phone so I could hear them, and saying I need to call 911. I haven't talked to her since." As we were talking, I checked my facebook and the girl updated her relationship status to "In a Relationship" and said, FINALLY BACK WITH CHRIS! in her updates. I started laughing and told him, and he flipped out. Within two minutes both of the updates were deleted.

Friday comes, and Chris is supposed to come to Houston after work. As we're talking that day, I've got this weird feeling, and I tell him that I'd bet anything she's going to be at his house when he gets off work that day. I just know how crazy she is. I should have mentioned before, she lives in Austin, which is a 5 hour drive from where he lives. But I know how this girl works, and I told him I'd be willing to bet a very large sum of money that she'd be at his house that afternoon. He told me I was absolutely nuts, and there was no way. That evening, around 5 (when he gets off work), I checked facebook and on crazy ex's updates it says "Good 'ol Paulwood!" Paulwood's the name of his subdivision.

I flipped out and texted him, and said, "Have fun with crazy ex. I'm done." He responded that yes, she had been there, but he made her leave. I told him if he didn't make it to my house that evening and put forth some effort, I was done.

He didn't drive to Houston.

Now they're back together.

I'm such an idiot, every word out of his mouth must have been a lie the whole time we were seeing each other, and I was so dumb I believed him. All I can assume is that he expected me to never find out he still talked to her so much, and never expected me to get some balls and end things.

Like a game of football, I got PLAYED, dude.

Oh well... like Jay Z says, on to the next one.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Duuuude. I've been gone a while.

I just realized I last posted way back in January. I always have stuff happening to me that I think to myself I need to blog about, but life's been getting in the way a lot lately. I'll give you bullet points, as I seem to do a lot, and hopefully get back atcha in the next few days to give you full recaps.

* Guy I got under in the last post is no longer in my life. Long story that will have to have it's own seperate post because it's a doozy. I'm thisclose to becoming a lesbian or starting my cat collection, either one.

* I just recently (as of this week) transferred jobs at work. This is part of the reason I've been MIA.

* A trip to the bar last weekend that included about 12 shots (no exaggeration), me groping the bartender's store-bought boobies, and dropping it like it's hot on the pole in the middle of the plywood dance floor. I don't get down like that anymore, and I was hurtin' for the whole next morning after. But it was fun. :)

That's all I can think of at this moment. I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm not dead. Oh, and Sassy Pants is still alive and kickin' too... still prego and starting to waddle. I know the sex of the baby but I don't know if she wants to share it with yall herself or not so I'm not stealing her glory. BUT she hasn't posted since like October, so I'm sure she wouldn't mind. I'll ask her and get back with you.

Hopefully, I'll be able to wrap this post up within two or three days. Cross your fingers that I'll be able to do so...if I still have anyone out there interested in the goings on of my pathetic life... :)

Thursday, January 21, 2010

The best way to get over a guy...

is to get under a new one.

One of my favorite quotes from "Sex and the City". It's ohhh so true. :)

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The full stories from the last post.

Below are the full (or, maybe condensed a bit) explanations of the event teasers I left you with on Christmas Day. I was drunk when I wrote them, by the way, so it's kinda amusing seeing what I wrote and now having to explain them. I've included the original text so you (I) can remember what I wrote. Here goes:

**Mom got effed up on Christmas Eve. Shocker.
Yeah, I may have mentioned before that my mom has an addiction to prescription painkillers that she won't admit to. She thinks my brother and I are crazy, and she thinks she doesn't have a problem. Anyway. She got all spaced out at my dad's parent's house and ended up eating pecan pie (or jabbing a fork into the full pie tin and missing her mouth on the way to take a bite) in a sleepy daze. I could have slapped the bitch, and would have if my grandmother hadn't have been sitting right there. Or if my brother didn't yank me outside.

**I spent Christmas Eve in a BYOB bar. Pictures will be included.
After said "high mother" incident, my brother and I grabbed a bottle of bourbon and went to a dirty bar that serves beer only (that's why we brought our own bottle) and listened to drunks sing horrible Christmas karaoke and play pool. I think at one point I floated above my body, looked down, and realized how pathetic it was to be sitting on an old spool that was serving as a bar stool, swigging cheap bourbon out of the bottle, with a guy with one eye hitting on me, and my brother off-key-karaokeing ZZ Top with a pool cue as his fake guitar. Then I just realized that's life and tried to make the best of it. And here are the pictures. Excuse the quality, they're from my Blackberry, in a dark bar, with a not so sober hand holding the phone.

The sum of our bar experience: Beer, bourbon, quarters for playing pool, and smokes. KLASSY.

Me standing next to the neon Christmas tree, swigging my cheap bourbon. My bro thought it would win for most pathetic Christmas card.:

My brother holding a Christmas card some 500 pound man gave me. You can see the upscale bar atmosphere in the background.

**Snuggie action.
Nuff said... here's a picture of my dad in the pink snuggie Santa brought me:

**Waffle House.
You should know this story by now. We get yummy Waffle House every Christmas morning. This year I actually got to sit my ass on the couch while my brother had to get out and pick it up. Ha, sucka!

**Drunken Santa present giving involving Twister and a broken lamp.
Since my brother and I had been at a bar on Christmas Eve, we were not sober when we got home, and had to put out MP's gifts from Santa. We got everything set up, got in bed and had almost passed out when MP woke up and said no way she could sleep and ran in the living room before I could stop her. I had to get everyone out of bed so they could see her open her gifts, and we ended up drinking coffee at 1:30AM and watching her play with everything. This included Twister. My brother volunteered to play with her, lost his not-quite-sober-yet balance, and fell into that table up there in the picture next to my dad, and broke the lamp. Here's a pic pre-disaster:

**White Elephant gift exchange almost coming to blows.
I got a margarita machine out of the gift exchange, and everyone wanted it. That simple. But I ended up walking away with it, thank goodness.

**Whiskey, beer, and karaoke.
I think I've told this story already. Damn, I was drunk when I wrote the list.

**Drunk uncle who never drinks slurring words awesomely.
My super straight laced uncle put away an entire bottle of Crown, and entertained me ALL Christmas day. Since I was drunk as well, I can't remember what he said. Dammit. I know he had some great drunk slurry made-up words.

**Family arguing abundantly.
But that's a given, right? Especially when your mom takes non-prescribed narcotics and ruins the 6th Christmas in a row.

**Cheese dip ruining my expensive peacoat.
I was in charge of bringing the crock pot full of cheese dip back from my grandmothers, and that was a bad idea. I was drunk, tripped over the cord, and the crock pot spilled the lava-like Velveeta all over me and my coat. Thankfully, I have finally located all the areas of cheesy gooeyness and removed them. Only took me a week.

So. Merry freaking Christmas. Hope everyone had a wonderful one... and my New Year's Eve trip to New Orleans post will follow soon. :)

Friday, December 25, 2009


But not enough time. Here's the bullet points...

**Mom got effed up on Christmas Eve. Shocker.

**I spent Christmas Eve in a BYOB bar. Pictures will be included.

**Snuggie action.

**Waffle House.

**Drunken Santa present giving involving Twister and a broken lamp.

**White Elephant gift exchange almost coming to blows.

**Whiskey, beer, and karaoke.

**Drunk uncle who never drinks slurring words awesomely.

**Family arguing abundantly.

**Cheese dip ruining my expensive peacoat.

I'll leave you with that to think about until I have the time to actually write the post. You'll need to tune in for that one. :)