Monday, October 5, 2009

I hung out in the backseat of a Cutlass when I was 9, didn't you??

I have quite a bit of blog fodder for you guys, but it's waaay too much for just one post. I've had an eventful few weeks (not all of it great, but most of it entertaining). So lucky for you guys, you'll be getting some new posts in the next few days if I can get my motivation up. (That's what HE said).

So, Crystal... this one's for you darlin'.

Two weekends ago Sassypants' husband had a birfday. We planned a party for that Saturday afternoon, when UT had a game (hook 'em Horns!!) and we figured we'd grill fajitas and have some drinks and watch some good college football all day with good friends. I went to Sassy's house that morning, and we went to the grocery store to get all the food and beer and stuff while her hubs and his friend assembled the new patio furniture they just got. Sassy and I got busy in the kitchen when we got back from the store (get your mind out of the gutter, dirty peeps), and made a great spread of appetizers - from her bomb diggity pasta salad with spinach, tomatoes, and feta, and my stuffed potato skins, plus lots of chips and dips.

After we finished slaving in the kitchen we went outside to enjoy the new furniture and drink some cold beers. We had invited a bunch of friends, but one of the first to show up was our bloggy friend Crystal. Now, if you haven't read her blog (yeah I linked her twice, what?), go NOW. I won't be offended, you can come back to me later. This bitch is hilarious. She's even better in person. She sits down with us and joins right on in with the gossiping and joking around. She mentions she has a low tolerance and is a cheap drunk, but we didn't really pay attention until an hour later when she was DEEE-RUUUNK. With every sip of Shiner Blonde beer this trick drinks, she gets funnier and funnier. Sassy and I knew she was crazy, but the other guests at the party realized quickly that outside on the patio was the place to be, just to hear the shit that came out of her mouth. I'll give you a taste of her verbal stylings:

- While talking about a charity (why we were discussing that I have no idea), she slurs her words and ends up saying Ronald Donald McHouse instead of Ronald McDonald House.

- When talking about options for saving money, she pipes up that her fiance' is going to have to deal with her stubbly bush because she's not getting her snatch waxed until the wedding. Her words VERBATIM.

- When a date of one of the guys that was at the party mentioned that she was born in 1989, Crystal scowls at the youngness of this little whippersnapper and bellows, "I was getting finger banged in the back of a Cutlass in 1989!".

- As we were trying to finish up everything for the fajitas inside the house, Crystal was playing Mr. Potato Head with Sassypants' son, who is four. I'm not completely sure of the wording because I was drunk by then, but I think she asked him if he thought it was weird that Mr. Potato Head keeps all his stuff in his butt. And now he asks everyone if they keep their stuff in their butt. Sassy thanks you, Crystal. And so do the other moms at his daycare.

We soon ended up in the garage playing flip cup, which isn't a great game to play if you're already three sheets to the wind. Crystal and I went head to head for a couple of rounds, and I don't remember who won, but there was a lot of shit talking and beer dripping on her boobs, which caused lactation jokes. Oh, and I did find out that her tits are REAL, which is amazing because they're pretty much perfect and Sassypants and I were convinced she'd had them done. We almost got her to show us, but I guess even drunk she has limits.

All in all, it was a great day/night, and I think we'll all agree it just wouldn't have been the same without her there. So. My message to Crystal: get your tolerance up for your bachelorette party, hooker, because Sassypants and I are GOING. And we'll be bringing the tape recorder this time.


Crystal said...

Oh God.....

I forgot about 80% of it.

Also, I was 10, not nine.

Also, I lied. I didn't get fingerbanged until the 8th grade. I just wanted y'all to think I was cool.

I had a blast with you guys! Next time I go, I will kick it with the Keystone and maybe I won't get so drunk that I share information regarding my snatch the first time I meet people.

Crystal said...

Also, you said spread.


Anonymous said...

Will you all please tell me the next time you are having a party... I so want to come and see this shit in person.

***still giggling that Amber said spread***

Erin Jeannine said...

I need to come out to Texas and party with you guys. It's so rare that I find people who embrace my inappropriateness while I'm drunk like I think you guys would.

Samsmama said...

Holy shit, I laughed out loud about the Mr.Potato thing. That is priceless! Such an excellent observation!

1989 I was perfecting the art of the blow job in the front seat of a Toyata Celica. I feel old. And slutty.

Ed Adams said...

I know funny.

That's funny.

Amber D. said...

Crystal - Keystone is the SHIT. I checked my ice chest when I got home, and out of the 30 pack I bought, there were 11 left. You do the math. I had no hangover the next day either.

Courtney - We will definitely send you an evite next time. Or, if you want, send us your phone number and we'll drunk dial you. We're really good at that too.

Erin - we are nothing if not inappropriate. Sober, drunk, either way. Always inappropriate.

Samsmama - A Toyota Celica is a step up from a Cutlass, I think. And you were in the FRONT SEAT? Brazen as well. Don't feel slutty. Unless you're still throwing dudes BJs in front seats... then yes, you're slutty. Oh shit. I may be slutty.


Ed - There's a fine line between funny and annoying, and we teeter on that line all the time.

Johnny Virgil said...

Thank you for that. Texas rocks.

CrazyAssMomma said...

ive been considering moving to texas for like a year.

after reading about you guys...i SO WANT TO MOVE!!!!!!

you guys rock. and crystal? i think you might be my twin. ;)

Spot said...

I so get the "old chick who thinks this blog is funny" award. Because in 1989 I was getting knocked up by my now husband. I know...boring! But that year I also did a striptease for him when I was waaaayyy drunk (please! this was before the pregnant thing) and it happened to be in front of our bedroom window. Which just happened to look out over a 24 hour grocery store parking lot. Apparently I was a big hit. Is it slutty if you didn't know you were doing it in public??

I want to bring my girls down to hang with your girls. Because I think it would be a blast. Then again, we'd probably end up in jail. And wait, what?! You're not supposed to get drunk and show your boobs to people. Double damn!

I can't wait for the rest...
Tape recorders ok. Video cams very bad!


Crystal said...

Keystone. I'll ask my mom for 7.50 and we can split a case this weekend! Holla!

Sassy Pants said...

Wait. You're NOT supposed to get drunk and show your boobs? I feel like my entire life has been a sham!!!

When new people come to our house husband always says, "hope you don't mind nudity because she'll probably get topless later" like it's all normal or something.

MDubs said...

You betches make me feel at home when I read your blogs. I'm so glad I'm not the only inappropriately nude sober/drunk chick.

Anonymous said...

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