The bitch is back.

So. This one's gonna be another bitter Betty bitching post, so if you're looking for funny I can't help you out. I had a whole post planned out that I was gonna do this week, but then Friday happened.

If you are sick of me whining about the ex, I completely understand and won't be offended if you skip this post and come back later when I'm in a funny mood.

So. Friday. My friend Sarah and I met my brother and his date at my favorite bar. I was happy because I hadn't gotten out in a while, and my cousin had called me that day to see if she could get MP for the weekend. Anyway, we were having a good time, listening to the band and stuff, and then I see exBF's sister walk in. I waved at her and she came over to give me a hug, and I chatted with her for a sec until I realized her brother and a friend of mine were with her. This wasn't weird, as the girl is the person who owned the house I moved out of this summer, and her and exBF's sister live down the street from each other and know each other. I gave her a hug too, and said hello, but she was acting weird. I asked exBF's sister if they were on a date or something, and she said of course not, no way. Cool. Still awkward that he's at this bar, but I can deal with it.

Later we leave and go to another bar and then back to my house to hang out and drink. I mention how weird it was to see Jered (exBF's name, guess he doesn't need to be anonymous anymore. Want his SSN?) at that bar, since he kinda knows that's my turf and I go there a lot. Then my brother says, "Oh yeah, when I saw him a few weeks ago he asked how you were, and told me he was seeing her."

Picture now, my jaw dropping on the floor.

Silence for 10 seconds, then I manage to squeak out, "WHAT???"

He can clearly tell that his size 14 foot is snugly inserted in his mouth and says "Well I just thought you should know!"

Now, I would have lost my shit even if I was sober, but I had been drinking and took about 5 shots after I saw Jered at the bar (to numb the pain), and this was definitely not a good time to tell me. I ran into my bedroom and started bawling, and I know my brother felt like a POS.

Anyway. Next day. I text Jered, first time since we broke up, and ask him if he is seriously dating her. He says he is, for about a week now. Then he called me, but that conversation was pretty much him defending the whore and saying how uncomfortable she was and how it's weird for him to be sleeping in the same house that he used to go see me at. I said, well, at least you know where the bathroom's at so you can wipe your dick off after you bang her in my old bedroom. Juvenile, I know. But I am extremely snarky and rude when I've been crossed.

So there's more. The girl (her name is now Firecrotch Slut, or FS for short) had asked me since the first day I knew her if I had any single guy friends to hook her up with. I saw her two months ago at a bar, and she said how desperate she was to find a boyfriend, and would I go troll the bar with her? I half-jokingly said, "I will, but please just don't ever go after Jered" where she responded, "Oh hell no, we're friends! Girls don't do that to each other, and I don't like him anyway".

FS had a relationship with a married man for a year and a half. I shouldn't be surprised that she will go against girl code and date someone I truly loved, because if a person will sleep with a married man and have no regrets about the morality of that, she'll fuck over a friend as well.

This morning I posted "guess I shouldn't be surprised when a person who I considered a friend is dating my ex... she dated a married man, clearly boundaries don't exist." as my facebook status. (I told you, snarky, mean, catty when I'm pissed. You can throw in juvenile and high-school-malicious too I guess. At least I realize it.) Within ten minutes I get a text from Jered asking me to take down that status update, and to leave her out of this, it's between he and I.

He's got to be ten kinds of crazy to think that I'm taking that status down. I think it's funny. I'm not doing it to get sympathy comments, I'm doing it to be a bitch, plain and simple. I'm thinking about updating it to something like "Jered's apparently uncomfortable with me posting true facts about his new girlfriend, so here's the status change update that he requested". But I'm not gonna. I'm just gonna leave the other one up for now.

I know I've rambled, and there's still more to the story, but it does feel good to get it out and vent a little bit. I'm going to leave you with a picture of her and I when she was my "friend". You may understand my confusion as to why he'd date her after you see what she looks like.

I'm sorry....

Been gone a while, and no time to post anything significantly cool today either. I've been hella busy at work with my old boss transferring out and a new one transferring in. It's a lot of work, to put it mildly.

I promise to come back soon. Until then, here's some pictures that made me laugh out loud today...





I am now a fan of the facebook page Not Listening to Nickelback, where I got these. It's awesome.

Concertgoing, run-in with the ex, and Halloween post all crammed in one!

Last Saturday my brother and I met some friends at Ziegfest, an annual Texas country music festival that's held here in H-town. It starts around 2ish in the afternoon, and there are two stages and about 8-10 bands or so. We got there around 4:30 and staked out some grass (not drug-grass, people... that's not my thing) to post up and listen to some good music. Here's some pictures from the fun day/night:

Here's a shot of a friend and I from the beginning of the day, obviously...



My bro and I, a little later.



Group shot as the sun was going down, the beers were flowing, and the coldness was beginning.



Some of the dead soldiers, as we like to call them. I tried to make a pyramid. The one I made at the end of the night was phenomenal.



Sun's down, my friend is slightly inebriated by this point.



My bro and I again. We smuggled some vodka in, but had no mixers... I went to find some Sprite but the line was a mile long, so I found a sno-cone stand. Nobody was there because it was freezing, so I just got a couple of extra cups and we made strawberry vodka slushies. I'm pretty resourceful. You can see the evidence on my brother's tongue.



We were giggly dancing here.



Rockin' out to Cross Canadian Ragweed. Love them!!



After the concert ended around 11:00 we went to a bar... we walk in, and I immediately spot the ex boyfriend. I couldn't turn around and walk out at that point, so I had to stay and suffer through the misery of being in the same place as him until the bar closed. We just ignored each other, but it was like there was a huge pink furry elephant with neon lights on it in the room the whole time for everyone else that was there. I think I did pretty well by not freaking out or crying or anything, but it still sucks really bad. I wish I could just get over him!

All in all though, it was a really fun day/night. My brother and I are happiest when we're at concerts, so it was nice to get to spend some time with him in our favorite element.

This weekend MP and I are going back to my hometown so I can take her trick or treating with my parents in their neighborhood. I'm still not sure if I'm going to do the whole dressing up and going out thing this year... normally I'll have my costume ready to go weeks in advance, but I'm not feeling so hot on the 'ol body image right now, and am not in the mood to dress like a skank and go to a bar. Who knows though, I may change my mind. Hope you all have a fab (and SAFE!) Halloween weekend!

I got tagged twice. Hee hee.

So, in the past couple of days I've been tagged on a couple of blogs. It must mean I'm awesome. Ok, well, that's how I'm taking it anyway. Most people would do these seperately, but I'm a busy gal so I'm combining them. I'm all about shortcuts.

First up: Kelly nominated me as a Kreativ Blogger, and I'm super honored (I love her blog, and finally committed as a follower recently, after stalking her blog for a few months). Although the misspelling of 'creative' in this award does bug me quite a bit, as I am pretty much a stickler for correct grammar. I hate those people on facebook who can't spell and are in graduate school, or those who STILL don't get the difference between THERE, THEY'RE, and THIER, and YOUR and YOU'RE. And people who spell refrigerator with a "d" between the I and G. I'm always the asshole who writes a comment correcting them, like I'm their high school English teacher.

Oh, right... Kreativ Blogger award. Sorry.

What I'm supposed to do is write 7-10 facts about me then pass the “Kreativ Blogger’ award on to other favorite bloggers of mine. I've done one similar to this before, but I'll try to think of some other stuff. I'm not THAT interesting, yo. Here goes:

1. I'm a grammar nazi. You probably have already figured that out by the ramblings in the beginning of this post. No further explanation should be necessary.

2. I was on an episode of America's Funniest Home Videos before. In high school drill team before halftime, we'd go to the side of the football field and stretch before performing. I would always get my friend to hook my shoelace above my head to the fence above me (my back was against the fence), and that way I could keep my leg stretched for a while. I flexed my foot and my shoelace broke, making my leg snap down and smack my friend in the face... all while my mom was filming. She sent in the tape, and they actually put it on air. We didn't win any money though. :(

3. I have a MASSIVE crush on Jordan Knight from New Kids on the Block. I've been in love with him since I was 9. That's twenty years, folks. I literally almost started crying both times in the past year when I saw NKOTB in concert when he came on stage. We also share a birthday, so I really feel this is the universe's way of telling me we're meant to be together.

4. I have an abnormal memory for dates and events that have happened in the past. Sassy always asks me when something happened because I can always remember the date. The latest one was when her last period was and I replied, "Well, it was the week before your hubby's birthday party, which fell on September 26th, so I would say you started around September 20th or so." Which helped her determine exactly how far along in her pregnancy she is. Ask me any date of a weekend night in the past year or so, and I can figure out where I was and who I was with. It's kinda weird, and not a notably cool thing, but I'm running out of interesting facts, people.

5. I'm on Facebook about 5 of the 8 hours I'm at work. I have a major obsession. I need an intervention, for real.

6. I'm really scared that I'm screwing my kid up by not having a "normal" family life for her. She seems well adjusted and all, but I can just see us in 10 years in a psychologist's office and all her problems stemming from living with her single mom for the majority of her life. Maybe I'm just paranoid, I dunno.

7. Even though I put this on my previous list, I'm listing it again because I'm running out of facts and I feel VERY STRONGLY about it: I HATE MAYONNAISE. Hate, hate, hate it, as much as I hate pedophiles and murderers. MP actually LIKES the shit, I have to make her sandwiches with it, and I gag the whole time. I love my kid so much that I'll put the substance I despise most in the world within a foot of my nose just to please her. That's devotion.

8. I'm a total band groupie. Not the kind that sleeps with them though. I'm a huge fan of Charlie Robison (if you don't know him, he's a great Texas Country musician, and used to be married to Emily of the Dixie Chicks). You probably don't know who he is if you don't live in the south. Anyway, I've been on his bus a few times, and the last time just he and I hung out in the back, drinking Jaeger and smoking cigs, and talking for hours. He was awesome (and super HOT). I've also met Pat Green, Cross Canadian Ragweed, and gotten backstage at several other concerts. Even if it's a local band playing in my favorite bar, I manage to go over there and make friends with someone in the band before the night's over. It's an addiction.

Alright, I told you I'm not that interesting. I can't think of much else... so on to the next one...

Sassy tagged me as an Over the Top blogger - thanks, dude! Here are the rules for the Over The Top Award:

USE ONLY ONE WORD! It’s not as easy as you might think. Copy and change the answers to suit yourself and pass it on. It’s really hard to use only one-word answers so try your best.
Tag 6 other bloggers and let them know that you think they are 'Over the Top'!

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk.
2.Your hair? Ponytail.
3. Your mother? Talkative.
4. Your father? Generous.
5. Your favorite food? Cajun.
6. Your dream last night? Sad.
7. Your favorite drink? Whiskey.
8. Your dream/goal? Happiness.
9. What room are you in? Office.
10. Your hobby? Cooking.
11. Your fear? Hurt.
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Happy.
13. Where were you last night? Home.
14. Something that you aren’t? Rich.
15. Muffins? Blueberry.
16. Wish list item? Lasik.
17. Where did you grow up? Orange.
18. Last thing you did? Procrastinated.
19. What are you wearing? Sweater.
20. Your TV? Average.
21. Your pets? Nonexistent.
22. Friends? Loved.
23. Your life? Stressful.
24. Your mood? Complacent.
25. Missing someone? Jered.
26. Vehicle? SUV.
27. Something you’re not wearing? Watch.
28. Your favorite store? Forever21.
29. Your favorite color? Pink.
30. When was the last time you laughed? Earlier.
31. Last time you cried? Today.
32. Your best friend? Amber.
33. One place that I go to over and over? Work.
34. One person who emails me regularly? Kristin.
35. Favorite place to eat? Outback.


Sooo here are the people I'm tagging. You can do one, both, or neither. I won't be offended.

1. Kayleigh at http://somepeopledoartsandcraftswejudge.blogspot.com/

2. Megan at http://meganmcdaniel.blogspot.com/

3. Crystal at http://sexylovepits.blogspot.com/

4. Sassy (do the first one, since you tagged me for the second one) :)

5. Courtney at http://whiskeygirl9.blogspot.com/

6. Spot at http://whatpassesforsaneonacrazyday.blogspot.com/

7. Calico at http://calicobebop.blogspot.com/


Sorry if I missed anybody... I gotta get back to work!

Dear little prankster at the cajun restaurant I lunched at:

I know you thought it would be HILARIOUS to not screw down the ketchup bottle after you used it. You probably also thought that the person sitting at the table after you would check the aforementioned bottle before shaking it. What you didn't anticipate was the level of starvation I was at. Being that hungry for the steaming french fries and crab cakes that was in front of me made me not even think to check to see if the cap was screwed on tightly. Well, little bastard, that's exactly what happened. As I shook the bottle from side to side, the cap flew off and hit the window as the red fluid shot all over me, the table, the window, and into my purse. You also made my newly pregnant friend laugh so hard that I was worried for her health. So, thank you, little pranking bastard. I now reek of tomato, have stains all over the front of my shirt, stickiness in my hair (that I had to pull in a ponytail when I was actually having a decent hair day), and I'm scared to reach into my purse, because I keep finding cold wet puddles of gooey tomato paste in it. It's also way fun when someone walks in your office and asks what's on your pants, when you thought you got all the spots taken care of.

I'm going to be cleaning up this mess for days. FML.

I suck as a blogger.

But I do try to read everyone else's blogs that DO manage to post. I've had a super busy week, so that's my excuse.

Yesterday I had the longest day ever, had dental appointments for me and MP, took her back to school, ran to the bakery to get a cake for our monthly birthday celebration at work, went to work, had two meetings and an assload of work, left and went to the bank, mall, and parent teacher conference, came home and did dinner, MP's bath, homework, and two loads of laundry, cleaned my kitchen and living room, then got to watch one DVR'd show (Cougar Town... anyone watch that??? It's SOO FUNNY!), then passed out by 9. That's just one day out of this week, and most of the other days have been equally busy.. so you can not be mad at me now for not posting. :)

I have a story for yall but no time to post it in it's longevity... it includes a trip to Austin, me getting stranded and sleeping in my car, and a 7AM roadtrip jamming New Kids on the Block. I'll give you that as a teaser, and hopefully get the post up in the next week.

This weekend my parents are getting MP so I get a much needed break... I'm pretty stoked. Going to see a band with a friend tonight, then girl's night out tomorrow with Sassy and a couple other girlfriends. I'm sure there will be some interesting goings on, so you'll have some stories to look forward to. Until then...

I hung out in the backseat of a Cutlass when I was 9, didn't you??

I have quite a bit of blog fodder for you guys, but it's waaay too much for just one post. I've had an eventful few weeks (not all of it great, but most of it entertaining). So lucky for you guys, you'll be getting some new posts in the next few days if I can get my motivation up. (That's what HE said).

So, Crystal... this one's for you darlin'.

Two weekends ago Sassypants' husband had a birfday. We planned a party for that Saturday afternoon, when UT had a game (hook 'em Horns!!) and we figured we'd grill fajitas and have some drinks and watch some good college football all day with good friends. I went to Sassy's house that morning, and we went to the grocery store to get all the food and beer and stuff while her hubs and his friend assembled the new patio furniture they just got. Sassy and I got busy in the kitchen when we got back from the store (get your mind out of the gutter, dirty peeps), and made a great spread of appetizers - from her bomb diggity pasta salad with spinach, tomatoes, and feta, and my stuffed potato skins, plus lots of chips and dips.

After we finished slaving in the kitchen we went outside to enjoy the new furniture and drink some cold beers. We had invited a bunch of friends, but one of the first to show up was our bloggy friend Crystal. Now, if you haven't read her blog (yeah I linked her twice, what?), go NOW. I won't be offended, you can come back to me later. This bitch is hilarious. She's even better in person. She sits down with us and joins right on in with the gossiping and joking around. She mentions she has a low tolerance and is a cheap drunk, but we didn't really pay attention until an hour later when she was DEEE-RUUUNK. With every sip of Shiner Blonde beer this trick drinks, she gets funnier and funnier. Sassy and I knew she was crazy, but the other guests at the party realized quickly that outside on the patio was the place to be, just to hear the shit that came out of her mouth. I'll give you a taste of her verbal stylings:

- While talking about a charity (why we were discussing that I have no idea), she slurs her words and ends up saying Ronald Donald McHouse instead of Ronald McDonald House.

- When talking about options for saving money, she pipes up that her fiance' is going to have to deal with her stubbly bush because she's not getting her snatch waxed until the wedding. Her words VERBATIM.

- When a date of one of the guys that was at the party mentioned that she was born in 1989, Crystal scowls at the youngness of this little whippersnapper and bellows, "I was getting finger banged in the back of a Cutlass in 1989!".

- As we were trying to finish up everything for the fajitas inside the house, Crystal was playing Mr. Potato Head with Sassypants' son, who is four. I'm not completely sure of the wording because I was drunk by then, but I think she asked him if he thought it was weird that Mr. Potato Head keeps all his stuff in his butt. And now he asks everyone if they keep their stuff in their butt. Sassy thanks you, Crystal. And so do the other moms at his daycare.

We soon ended up in the garage playing flip cup, which isn't a great game to play if you're already three sheets to the wind. Crystal and I went head to head for a couple of rounds, and I don't remember who won, but there was a lot of shit talking and beer dripping on her boobs, which caused lactation jokes. Oh, and I did find out that her tits are REAL, which is amazing because they're pretty much perfect and Sassypants and I were convinced she'd had them done. We almost got her to show us, but I guess even drunk she has limits.

All in all, it was a great day/night, and I think we'll all agree it just wouldn't have been the same without her there. So. My message to Crystal: get your tolerance up for your bachelorette party, hooker, because Sassypants and I are GOING. And we'll be bringing the tape recorder this time.

Just so ya know...

I've been MIA because I've been at home with a flu-ridden kiddo for 5 days now. Yeah, FIVE. I will be back soon with an awesome story involving Crystal from Sassypants' husband's birthday party last weekend. I know she's hoping I forgot, but I sho didn't. :) More to come...

Weekend Wrap Up

Friday morning Sassypants IM'd me around, oh, 7:38 or so asking if we were drinking tonight. That's 7:38 IN THE MORNING. Someone had obviously had a bad week. So, I told her of course we were and after work went and picked up MP, ran home to change, picked up lots of beer, and went to Sassy's house. We ordered pizza, drank some wine and beer, and played Wii... good times. This guy I had met a couple of months ago had texted me Friday morning to see what I had going on for the weekend, and asked if I wanted to hang out that night. I told him he was welcome to come hang out if he could deal with kids running around and lots of drunken conversations. He ended up coming, and as soon as he walked in, Sassy started in with the 3rd degree... why are you divorced? was it your fault? do you still love her? do you have any kids? how many family members do you have? does cancer run in your family? where did you go to college? do you want children someday? why are you drinking Amstel Light? (okay that last one was from me.) Anyway, I stopped Sassypants from embarrassing me further by throwing out an embarrassing question to her that I knew she wouldn't want to answer in front of a stranger, and she got the hint. Although later she ended up talking about it anyway. Eh. The guy said he had a great time so I guess it was alright.

Saturday I got to sleep until almost 9:00! MP crawled in bed with me around 7 but fell right back asleep, so I was super stoked about sleeping in. We got up and got dressed, then met Sassypants and her little one for lunch and then went to the movies to see Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. It was pretty cute. After that we went to Garden Ridge to look for some patio furniture for Sassy's backyard. The kids were running around (on a sugar high from the movie), so we were in and out of the store in about 10 minutes. After that MP and I went home and I did some stuff around the house, got some chicken strips for dinner , and watched movies until we fell asleep that night.

Sunday I woke up around 8 or so and got MP dressed, and we went grocery shopping. I wanted to get there early to beat the crowds, but I guess that's not possible on weekends. I ended up spending about an hour and a half and double the money I wanted to in there, but I got everything I needed (and more). Going to the grocery store is weirdly fun for me. Even funner when you don't have a kiddo asking for everything on the shelves, but oh well. Went home, unloaded the groceries, cleaned up the kitchen, made lunch, did laundry, and took a well-deserved nap. Woke up and started cooking dinner, watched another movie with MP, got MP a bath, read a book with her, put her to bed, cleaned the kitchen, then collapsed into bed to watch some Food Network before I passed out.

All in all a good weekend, although 62 hours with the little one nonstop can be quite tiring! Hopefully this week goes smoothly... work is getting to be quite stressful, I may need a good wine and bubble bath night soon. :)

Adventures at lunchtime

Sassypants and I work together, as most of you know. We also have lunch together every day, unless one of us has a meeting or something. We'll eat in one of our offices, or if we're having one of those "I'mgonnakillthenextmotherfuckerthatwalksinhere" kind of days, we'll go out to lunch, just for the safety of our coworkers.

Sassy's blogged about our lunch hour before. You'd think that we wouldn't have too many crazy things happen, since we only go out maybe once a week, but au contraire, my friend. Here are happenings from THIS WEEK ALONE:

Tuesday: Had one of those days where we wanted to go sit on a patio and share taquitos and smoke cigs during lunch. Normal for us. Went to a decent Mexican restaurant, and sat down with some chips and hot sauce and gossip. I happen to see commotion over Sassy's shoulder, and stop whatever I'm saying mid-sentence. I say under my breath, barely moving my mouth, "Oh my God, look over there. Don't stare." (Sassypants is a notorious starer.) Behind her were four girls in their mid-twenties, posing provocatively with a plastic parrot (how's that for alliteration, English majors?). Like, one girl was bent over so her vajayjay was in the parrot's mouth, and one was behind it doing it doggystyle, one was laughing, and one was the photographer. They kept switching positions and giggling for about 4-5 minutes. Sassy and I had no words. We just stared at each other, wide-eyed until they finished their parrot threeway. I should mention it was about 11AM. I should also mention they all had beers in their hands, which probably contributed to the photo session. Now, I've probably been one to do drunken funny photo sessions with my friends, but NOT AT ELEVEN AM DURING LUNCH HOUR IN A RESTAURANT WITH PROFESSIONALS EVERYWHERE. Maybe I'm just old, but I don't need to see that shit when I'm eating.

Today: Sassy and I are leaving the area we work in (if you don't know, it's a pretty ghetto part of town, with one of the country's wealthiest oil and gas company's headquarters smack in the middle of it. Why my employer decided to set up shop in the midst of bike stealing and gunfire, I'll never know). We are sitting at a stop light and see a guy and his girlfriend walk across the street. The dude is holding his 7-inches-too-big pants up with one hand, and holding his old lady's hand with the other. A truck pulls up next to us, and for some reason 'Lil Scrappy decides to start talking shit to the driver. I couldn't see what the driver said or did, but as he turned his truck onto the next street, homey hit the side of the truck with his hands and raised his arms above his head, taunting the driver to bring it. The truck stopped, but there was traffic coming, so he had to end up going on down the road. I would have loved it if some big ass country dude with a cowboy hat jumped out and squashed that little gangbanger.

Also today: The restaurant we chose to go to is famous for their "Throw'd Rolls". Crystal, you definitely know this restaurant. It's a country restaurant, with awesome chicken fried steak, fried okra, fried anything, and taters. Really healthy, right? The rolls are to die for. There's a guy who walks around and throws you the rolls. Yes, you read that right... if you want a roll, you have to catch it. The best part is that the guy who throws the rolls is slightly on the... how do I put it nicely? He's slightly on the "slow" side. Like, his IQ is probably low 90's. Not the sharpest pencil in the box. I think you understand. So when he asks you if you want a hot roll, he looks at you quizzically and says, "Haaat rooooowwww?" You really have to be there, but it's all but impossible to not laugh. **For the record, I am not a hateful bitch and do not make fun of slow people. This guy is just on a level all by himself.** Anyway, he threw a roll from across the room to the guy at the table next to us, and smoked him in the side of the head. The guy was a bit stunned, the the roll thrower acted like this happens every day (which I'm sure it does) and just threw another one over.

Today, again: As Sassypants and I are having a smoke outside the restaurant, we see a guy on a scooter riding through the parking lot. Ok, fine. But he had a deputy's badge painted on his Rascal scooter, and made several laps around the parking lot. I think he may have been security. Or at least he had convinced himself that he was security. Who knows.

We actually stopped ourselves from laughing today to ask if the world has just gone insane, or does this shit happen to ANYONE ELSE?!?