Back at square one.

So, exBF's sister had a baby two weeks ago. I've been dreading going over there, just because I haven't seen her since her brother and I broke up, and I used to be over there every single day and we were great friends. It hurts me so much that I'm no longer part of their family, and I miss her and exBF's mom almost as much as I still miss him... which is a lot. A hell of a lot.

But I needed to put my feelings aside and go see that sweet baby boy and give them the gift I had bought for them, and try to be a grown up. I decided to go yesterday, and I had a little pep talk with myself in my head on the way over and felt okay about it. To add to the trepidation, she lives around the corner from my old house, so it was super hard going back to the neighborhood that I had loved so much and me and BF had so many memories there. Anyway. I did it, and didn't even cry when I pulled into the subdivision.

The visit was great, both she and her mom were there, and we chatted for a while about the birth, the baby, her other child, and everything going on in our lives. Everyone seemed to skate around the subject of the breakup, which was just fine with me. Ex "MIL"'s phone rang a couple of times and she took the calls in the other room, and one time I swore I heard exBF's voice, but I wasn't sure. Anyway, it was a great visit, and I held the tiny baby the whole time, and it was awesome. Made me miss having one for a minute.

All of a sudden I hear the front door open, and I assume it's her husband coming home from work. I'm looking down at the baby and goo goo ga ga'ing, then I hear "Hey". Look up, and it's exBF, in the flesh, right in front of me. I pause for a good 5 seconds, and manage to squeak out "Hi", and look right back down at the baby, trying not to drop him.

I haven't seen him in two months. I haven't talked to or had a text from him in a month and a half. I still think about him a million times a day, but I think I'm doing an okay job of keeping myself together. All of that flew out of the window when I saw him again, and I'm so mad at myself. He went into to the kitchen, and I got up and handed the baby back to his mom, and ran in the back room to get MP so we could leave. It was awkward like times ten, with a capital A. I was seriously shaking so bad I could barely hug his mom and sister goodbye, and the tears were about to start falling down my face. As I left, ex "MIL" followed me out, and was apologizing over and over, as I'm crying, and saying he had called earlier, and she told him I was over there and to wait to come over until I left. She's sitting there consoling me and I feel like a complete ass. It wasn't her fault he was there, yet she's apologizing. This is why I love this woman so much... she really did care for me like a daughter, and was pretty upset when things didn't work out between her son and I.

So I feel like I'm back at the beginning of the emotional rollercoaster, and I'm a wreck all over again. I wish I just would have mailed the gift.