Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Dating and the Black Hole Theory

As you must know by now, I'm not a single gal. But for about, oh, 4 years I was. And it was, for lack of a better word, interesting. I developed a theory that Tits McGee can totally corroborate. It's called the Black Hole Theory. Here's the scoop:

I would go out with a seemingly great guy. We would hit it off and seem to have a great time, and it would seem like there would be a second date. Emphasis on the word seem (three times). Date would end, maybe a kiss, maybe not, then he would say he'd call. But that would never happen. Sure, that happens a lot in the dating world, I get it. It's just part of the hazards of dating. But, you see, it happened EVERY TIME. And the guy would seriously disappear off the face of the earth. REALLY. I lived in a very small town, where everyone knows everyone and their business, and these people would literally cease to exist, never to be heard from again.

Before you're quick to think I'm an awful date, I will say that I'm not hideously ugly, boring, or have a terrible body odor. All my guy friends have said this, so I know it's true. :) I'm not narcissistic or arrogant, self-centered, or obsessed with hair, nails, teacup chihuahuas, the color pink, or saying the phrase "that's hot". I've been told I'm a catch (again, by all my guy friends), I like my "me time", therefore I like for him to have his guy time without me, I'll watch sports and drink beer and shots of whiskey, I prefer a sports bar or hole in the wall joint over a wine or martini bar, and I have no problem with getting muddy riding 4-wheelers or going fishing on the river. So what's the problem?

To this day, I have no clue why these guys decided to write me off on the first date. (Actually, some made it to two). It seriously became such a joke that TM would make a comment whenever I gave my number to someone that I better enjoy the one date I was gonna get, if he even called at all. (I was not offended by this at all, it really became a running joke between us for the longest time).

One guy, the morning after our second date, de-friended me (is that a word?) on myspace and changed his profile to private, and his status to say something about "the one that I'm in love with". Um, ok... guess he's not talking about me? And why is he dating other people if he's that close to falling in love?! Oh, shit, maybe I was so awful that I pushed him over the edge to loving some other person!! I wanted to go stalker style and find the girl and tell her that the morning before he decided he loved her he had taken me to the movies then out for drinks and tried to feel me up, but I refrained. I AM an adult, after all. :)

Next victim, same thing. Out for dinner and margaritas and back to my house to watch a movie. This one, I think I got figured out though... he kept trying to paw me during the movie and I wasn't having it. I think he thought he was gonna get some, so when I didn't give it up, guess that was a good reason for him to run for the hills. I never heard from or saw him again.

Last one (there are many more, but this post is getting long): bass player in a local band. Totally hot. Buys me a drink in the bar, gets my number, and I actually kiss him goodnight after making plans to go out the following weekend (I was drunk, not easy). :) Go to work the next day and am telling a friend about him, and she asks his name, I tell her, and her face goes white. I am, of course, very observant and ask WTF the problem is, do you know him? She says, uh, yeah, that's my friend's boyfriend. And they aren't even having problems. (PS - his name was a very common one, like, say, Brian White. There could have been lots of them in my town. Oh but wait - the whole playing bass guitar in the local band thing... right. Not likely there was another one of those.) Needless to say, our date was cancelled, without either one of us calling each other. I heard they broke up. And I haven't seen him since. But I'm sure you figured that out.

I also have quite a few stories about guys I went out with and then they married the next person they dated (I'm like Good Luck Chuck, there were honestly about 8 of those), or the psychos that I've dated and all the batshit crazy stuff they pulled, but thinking about all this makes me appreciate that I finally have a good relationship. For those single ladies out there... I feel your pain. It's hard out there, yo!


calicobebop said...

"It's Hard Out There For A Pimp!"

:) Yeah, I stopped dating a little over a year ago because it just wasn't worth the headache.

I should add that I am moving in six months and also didn't want to get involved in something that would eventually end. But, it sounds like I'm trying to justify my antisocial tendancies.

I think I just don't like people. :)

Crystal said...

that happened to me a few times too but it was because i chew with my mouth open and tell everyone how i got a june bug stuck in my nose when i was 6. but you're, like, pretty and funny and stuff. i don't get it. not getting called isn't the worst that can happen though. my friend, kat, was dating a guy and he went to iraq and then someone emailed her telling her he was killed in combat and then she saw him at a bar two weeks later with his wife.

MilesPerHour said...

As a guy I wish I could give you some type of answer. The only thing I can say is maybe you are the lucky one in that you never got stuck with any of them.

Candice said...

If I were single now I wouldn't date. I would just masturbate.

I would also become a poet, because apparently I rhyme and shit..

Or Maybe Jessie Jackson. Nah, I'm way too white for that.

Amber D. said...

Calicobebop - I don't like people either. Maybe that's the solution to the puzzle... they got the vibe that they would be written off in a couple weeks. Hmmm.

Crystal - No way could I top that story about your friend. She shoulda gone up to him and asked how the afterlife was.

MPH - You're right... I've heard through the grapevine that several of the Black Hole theory subjects have become complete douche bags. Glad they turned me loose when they did.

Candice - Yeah I think even if I was single and stayed home on weekends to masturbate, the vibrator would probably break or something, therefore leading me to believe that nothing likes me, even inanimate objects, so I should just give it up and lead a life of celibacy. Good thing my current BF came along, or I'd be in a nunnery right about now.