Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Flopping Douchebag.

This past Friday was my brother's college rugby team's annual Alumni weekend, which I haven't missed in the past 9 or 10 years. It's always a blast, everyone comes back for the weekend and it's a great chance to see everyone who we used to party with every weekend. Re-live the glory days, if you will. Yes, I know I didn't play rugby, but those guys and their wives/girlfriends are some of my best friends, and I look forward to this weekend all year.

I got to Huntsville (the town it's held in) around 4 on Friday afternoon. It's tradition to head to the local bar that is home to the ruggers, and my brother calls it the best bar on the Earth. I have to agree. It's a great place, everyone knows everyone, the owner's super understanding of the crazy rugby players that pay his light bill every month, and the jukebox has got awesome music on it. My brother and his girlfriend Stephanie showed up about 10-15 minutes after I did, and the party was on.

About an hour or so after I got there, I glanced in the parking lot and saw my ex boyfriend Jered walking up. I may have mentioned before that he played rugby with my brother, so I pretty much knew he'd be there, and had prepared myself. Funny thing is, he actually PLAYED on the team, and I didn't of course, but everyone preferred to hang out with me at the bar and took my side on the whole breakup. THAT's pretty damn cool if you ask me. He looked so out of place and uncomfortable, and Steph and I kept giggling about it all night. La-hooo, za-herrr.

I had been avoiding the tool for the entire afternoon and evening, but around 8 or 9 he came up to me, grabbed my arm, and asked if we could talk about things. I was incredibly inebriated by this point so I rolled my eyes and said fine. We walked to the side of the bar and he starts to tell me how he really hates how things turned out with us, he was hoping we could be friends. I told him that we WERE cool when we broke up, I had no problems with being friends one day after I got over the heartbreak stuff, but then he started dating the ugly whorebag ex friend of mine. Yes, I used all of those words. I also called her firecrotch slut, disgusting, and almost anything else I could think of. I also said I'm surprised he would date a girl who slept with married men. He didn't really say much as I was talking shit on his girlfriend, which was surprising. I also said she and him deserved each other because they are both shitty people. He then proceeded to tell me that he loves her. I was with the guy for an entire YEAR and he would always tell me that he didn't love me. That kind of stopped me in my tracks, because I realized he was trying to hurt me, but it didn't work because I am so over it. I said, "well maybe she can deal with your weird sexual fetishes because I sure couldn't, even though I did love you". I think I won that round.

He told me that I'd left some boxes at my old house (his new girlfriend's house, remember) when I moved out, and that he'd brought them with him because he figured he'd see my brother. I told him, let's go get them because I wanted that to be the end of it... closure. We walked to his truck then to my car to put the stuff away, then he walked back over to where my brother and Steph were sitting. And that's when the best thing I've ever seen happened.

I introduced Steph to Jered, she looked him up and down with narrowed eyes, and said, "Oh, yes, you must be Amber's douchebag ex."

I died laughing.

Thank you, Steph, for that. I think that's an introduction for the history books.

He walked off shortly after that, and the party continued. We went back to one of our friends' houses for the after party, and douchebag ex showed up and passed out on the couch. I went downstairs to go to sleep around 4 (I think).

The next morning I woke up, on the floor, with no pillow, with one of my guy friends spooning me with his hand in my jeans pocket. Under a snuggie. WTF. It's probably one of the weirdest things I've woken up to. I was fully clothed though, so all was good.

Then I checked my phone, and there was a text from the ex's girlfriend. It said, "Please grow up".

WHAT.THE.FUCK. I was beyond livid.

I responded "Lose my number, bitch", and ran upstairs to look for Jered. I found him on the couch he passed out on and smacked him in the head to wake him up. I said, "I don't know what the fuck you told your whore girlfriend but obviously she's a psycho. Tell her to NEVER call or text me again". He looked thoroughly confused, and said he'd take care of it, and as we were talking another text came through from her - "Then stop talking about." I told him he could add on to the message to never call me again that she should probably learn grammar and the English language as well.

All I can think of is that he told her that I was talking shit about her, which isn't a lie. I'm sure there was some exaggeration on his part so he could feel important, but that's okay. Some people feel the need to lie to feel better about themselves.

I'll be seeing him again this weekend for one of the rugby guys' weddings. I asked him last weekend if he was going and he said he was, and said he wasn't bringing his girlfriend because he didn't think it was appropriate. Now, why would it be appropriate to date her but not bring her?? I think he was worried I'd start something with her, which I would NEVER do at someone's wedding. I WOULD, however, make damn sure that none of my friends talked to her, which means the only person that she could conversate with would be her boyfriend. I kinda wish she would go just so I could see it. :)

This post ran a lot longer than expected, so I'll fill you in on the ZZ Top concert I went to Saturday night at another time.

**UPDATE: Upon reading this, Steph sent me the following email that I think I should include because it's funny: "You forgot the part when I asked Jered why he wasn’t bringing fire crotch to the wedding and he told me “it just wouldn’t be appropriate” to which I responded “Oh but f*cking her behind Amber’s back for several weeks after Amber specifically asked Laine NOT to go after you was appropriate”?"***

You see why I love her?

Oh yeah, Sassypants is doing well, she's due in a couple of months, and is having another boy. She is beyond ready to pop the kid out, and is extremely miserable. I'm going to get on her to post on her blog, since she's been MIA for MONTHS.


Erin Jeannine said...

He told you he didn't love you?!?!?!? Does he not have a mom?!?!?!? Holy shit, what an asshole. And what purpose did telling firecrotch that you talked shit on her serve? To hurt her feelings? Is he in junior high school? Let me know if he ever comes to California because I will run him down in my car.

Candice said...

That guy sounds like a total shitbag. I'm sorry you both run in the same circle of friends. Guys like that you just sort of want to disappear so you never have to look at them again.

Amber D. said...

Erin - Yes, after the first time I told him I loved him, he said, I like you but I don't love you. He made sure to remind me over the months that he still didn't love me. That's ultimately the reason I broke up with him.

Candice - Shitbag. I love it,and will totally use that again. Thankfully this is the first time I've seen the guy in about 6 months, so hopefully after the upcoming wedding I won't ever see him again. :)