Friday, May 29, 2009

I left my liver at the river... along with some dignity.

I'm gonna try to make this as quick as possible, but you know I ramble... so here goes the Memorial Weekend Rundown (or a few highlights) for ya...

* Night one: my brother brought a skank with him (he literally said to me, all I want to do this weekend is drink and fornicate. I swear, word for word, that's what he said). Skank proceeds to get completely inebriated and pisses off just about everyone that was at the house that night, except me (yet). I was actually defending her to everyone because I felt bad that everybody was ganging up on her. Now, I'm normally an even tempered person, but later I walk into the kitchen to hear BF say ouch, and find out that the skank tapped his man-junk. Sassypants was in bed at this point and could hear what was going on, and I really don't remember what happened, but I hear that I lunged at her like a bear and yelled something along the lines of, "THAT'S MY BOYFRIEND, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!?!" as I chest bumped her or something, and my brother and BF picked me up and removed me from the premises, kicking and screaming. I know anyone reading this would have done the same. What's mine is mine and if you touch my man anywhere near his peen, you will not live to see tomorrow. Especially if you tapping it makes his balls hurt, and that in turn makes him useless to me later that evening. Totally kidding, but you get what I'm saying.

* The next morning, everyone wakes up and grabs beers for breakfast, and heads down to hang out in the water in front of the house. No huge drama during the day really, we also had a keg so I of course had to do a keg stand. I think this was the beginning of the end for me. I am never one to not remember things, but later that evening I completely blacked out any memories, only to be told the next day what transpired. I know there was a lot of drinking whiskey out of the bottle, another keg stand, lots of flip cup, and that's about it. I think someone gave me an Adderall too (yeah, I know, WTF?). I was told I made some potatoes to go along with the steak and beans, but nobody got a picture, so I can't be completely sure of that. I know I didn't eat a thing. And when someone was nice (or concerned) enough to make me a sandwich, with no mayo of course, I took a bite of it and then hurled it into the yard, screeching "I don't want this shit". Allegedly. I also allegedly almost took off BF's face because I whizzed it in his direction. I am completely embarrassed, and when people started telling me what had gone on the next morning, I wanted to die. And not just because of the massive hangover I had.

* Saturday we planned to go tubing in the river. All was great until we got in the water, then the sun decided to be a big 'ol bitch and go away. The water was probably around 50 degrees, and I really thought I was going to get hypothermia. Sassypants and I hooked our legs on each other's tubes so we wouldn't lose each other, and I was shaking like a leaf the whole time, therefore making her tube shake too. My nipples could cut diamonds, I literally had to hold my ta-tas so I wouldn't be inappropriate to the children around. And to top it off, we didn't move at all the whole hour and a half we were in the water. Then it starts raining. We say fuck it and get out at some stranger's yard and walk back to the place to return the tubes. Sassy and I walked a total of 2 minutes, and it took us 1 1/2 hours to float that distance. So that was the end of floating the river.

* Meanwhile, there were a lot of random people that kept showing up, who had heard about our place. We knew them, but my deal was, BF and I fronted the money for this place and nobody's getting a free ride. These people expected to just eat our food, drink our beer, and crash FOR FREE. Not no but HELL NO I said. I ended up confronting several people about it, and I'm sure that made me a mega bitch, but I'm all about being fair. So one of the chicks that showed up is married to one of BF's rugby buddies. She proceeds to have sex with SIX DIFFERENT DUDES over the next two days. I'll let you marinate on that for a minute. SIX DIFFERENT DUDES. MARRIED. MOM. Yeah, I know, I'm disgusted as well. In my heyday I didn't have sex with six different people in a year! So from then on, I wouldn't sit on the toilet seat for the remainder of the trip, and I showered with flip flops on. I'm sure there are STD's creeping all over that poor house. Gross...moving on.

* Sunday morning we wake up and BF has a massive hangover. Massive enough to where he didn't get out of bed at all during the day. I've never in my life seen him like that, and I've known the guy for about 4-5 years. I actually went and got Sassy to come check his pulse because I was so concerned. He wanted to be left alone and sleep, so I went and hung out and drank with the people who were outside. That evening we had tickets to a band we like, so we load up and head over there. This is when I find out that my brother's skank date is only 20. I had been contributing to a minor all damn weekend. That pissed me off to no end... I'm too old for shit like that, man. So at the bar, the girl washes off the X's on her hands they put on there to make sure everyone knows she's a minor. Within 10 minutes, a cop comes over to our group and motions for her to come over. He proceeds to re-X her hands SUPER DARK (and that made me crack up), and let her go. Bitch still finds a way to drink, and by the end of the night my brother is begging dudes to please take her off his hands. I guess even fornicating wasn't worth putting up with that bitch.

All in all, we did have a lot of fun. There was great music, lots of good friends, and lots of memories made. I'll try to get some pics up once I get them. I didn't keep this blog short and sweet like I said I would, but there was so much to be told!! There's still so much more, but maybe I'll let Sassypants finish the stories up. I'm gonna go and plan another river trip now.



Samsmama said...

I'd be careful about getting a minor drunk. I'm pretty sure if you get one more strike you're out.

And if somebody grabbed my man's junk I'd cut a bitch.

Candice said...

So you almost got into a tuffle with your brother's skank friend for tapping your man's sack. Yeah, I can't even imagine why that would piss you off.

The question I have to ask is...

Were you wearing a bumble bee costume when the brawl went down?

Anonymous said...

You should have cunt punted that skank's ass!!!

Anonymous said...

Samsmama - and you talk about my violent tendencies... tisk tisk

Matter Of Fact Mommy said...

oh wow. how old is your brother that his skank is only 20? and MARRIED WITH KIDS, yet sleeping with 6 different dudes??! WTF?! regardless, sounds like you guys had a great time and are better people (HA!) for having been through the experience.

@candice, LOL.

@courtney, "cunt punt"?! whoa. you're really educating me lately on how to use naughty words in unknown ways. ;)

Amber D. said...

MOFM, OMG I miss you!!! Where the hell have you been? You just made my day by popping up in my comments. :)

To answer the questions posed:

Candice, no, I wasn't wearing a bumblebee costume, I was wearing a bikini which is actually funny, considering what I look like in one.

Courtney - Cunt punt, awesome. Going in my vocabulary NOW.

MOFM - My bro is 26, and his date wasn't the one sleeping with the train of guys (although we did catch her with her hand down Sassypants' hubby's friend's pants. Not confusing, right?).

The whore is 25 I think.