Monday, February 23, 2009

My first and last fistfight.

TM and I were in a goofy mood Friday afternoon, and were reminiscing about some of our shenanigans over the past few years. This story came up, and she pretty much told me I HAD to blog about it. So here it is.

Halloween is always a holiday I look forward to. We always dress up and go out and have a great time. A couple of years ago, Halloween fell on a Wednesday, so we had already celebrated the previous weekend (because what grown up with a real job can REALLY go out on a work night?). Well, turns out, MP was at her dad's that year, so this grown up with a real job decided not to sit home and be sad about not taking her kiddo trick or treating, and went out. On a work night.

A friend of mine was the one who convinced me, so we got all dressed up in our costumes and went to a bar. We met some of her work buddies out there (one was actually her boss), and found out they were having a costume contest. I should mention how we were dressed, I suppose...

Me: Army girl (costume from the previous year that I had to re-wear because my goddess costume had Jaeger Bomb stains on it from the weekend before)
Friend: Bumblebee
Friend's Boss: Rocker dude with eyeliner, fake tats, etc.
Friend's Coworker #1: A cowboy, complete with stuffed horse that attached to his waist
Friend's Coworker #2: Guy from the movie Office Space: it was awesome, he had attached Post-Its to completely cover his suit, briefcase, shoes, head, EVERYTHING, and had the red stapler as well. It was very original.

So that was our group. When we get to the club and find out about the contest, we all force Office Space guy (OSg) to go enter because his costume was awesome. He complies and goes up to register. Bumblebee friend and I are dancing and drinking, and it's pretty packed, so we go to the edge of the dance floor to watch the contest. There were the standard hooker girls with not much more than a smile on, the buff guys dressed up as firefighters or cops (pretty unoriginal), and a few other randoms, along with OSg. My bumblebee friend had gone to get the rest of our group when OSg came on stage, and the crowd started laughing and clapping. I was trying to get him to win, so I was telling everyone around me to yell for him (because the winner was determined by loudness of the crowd or something). Everyone's being cool and saying sure, we'll yell for him, then I get to this big Mexican bitch. I tap her on the shoulder politely and ask her to yell for OSg and she glares at me, turns around, and pours a beer on my head. Yes, that's correct. She POURED HER BEER ON MY FREAKING HEAD. For what!? Asking her to yell!?

I was completely in shock, and stood there for at least 30 seconds with my mouth open. I turned around to find my bumblebee friend, who was behind me standing with her boss. When I got to her, she was like, "Um, WTF happened to your hair and mascara?", and I told her a big Mexican bitch poured her beer on me. She asked which one, so I turned to look for her, and she happened to be standing exactly where she had been a second ago. I said, "This one", as my arm took on a life of its own and poured my beer on her head. Eye for an eye, bitch. Then it was on.

I should mention the BMB (Big Mexican Bitch) had about 10 inches and 150 lbs on me. This is pertinent information.

BMB turns around, with beer dripping down her face just like it had done mine a few minutes ago, and lunges at me. In a total bitch move, she grabbed me by my hair (at the time, it was pretty long, so there was a lot to grab). I start swinging, as she has me in a death grip, but she's so tall that I can barely connect with her face. So I start trying to connect with her huge gut that is right in front of me. All of a sudden, I see black and yellow flying in my direction. Bumblebee friend saw it go down and decided that two small girls equal one BMB. She literally has to jump up to reach this chick, and proceeds to stick her thumb in her eye, and claw the other side of her face. BMB never even threw a punch, all she did was grab my hair and try to elbow bumblebee friend, but there wasn't time for anymore... because here come the bouncers. Great.

One bouncer grabs me, somehow gets his arms entertwined in mine and lifts me up to where my feet are dangling about 6" off the ground, and starts carrying me out. The whole time, I'm kicking and screaming, "I'm cool, man! I'm cool! Let me go!". I see bumblebee in front of me, getting carried out the same way. We get carried out past her coworkers (nice), and the bartender guy that had been calling me for a week or so, who had the most puzzled look on his face. Like, a this-bitch-is-crazy kind of look.

The bouncers put me and bumblebee against the wall and ask WTF happened. BMB is also outside, still yelling at me in Spanish and pointing her finger at us. In the glow of the streetlights she was way scarier. We knew a lot of the people who worked at the bar, so we told them what happened and they found us to not be a threat, so they let us back in. I was really scared that BMB would be waiting in her El Camino or something when we left later that night, but all was good.

In conclusion, I would like to state for the record that I am not a crazy ghetto bitch. That was the first altercation I had ever been in, and I was 27. I was totally provoked. And she started it.

Also, I'm really glad I wasn't wearing the goddess dress with heels like I wanted to. I was more prepared for combat wearing this:

8 comments:

calicobebop said...

Oh. My. Gawd. I'm glad the crazy lady wasn't waiting for you too! Why on earth would she pour beer on you for asking her to yell? She must be totally mental.

Hilarious story!

Crystal said...

"BMB would be waiting in her El Camino or something"

lmao

Candice said...

Nice. There is nothing more intimidating than a bumble bee in a bitch brawl, by the way. You better be glad she was there to back yo ass up.

Hilarious!

Samsmama said...

That is the funniest freakin' story I've come across it quite some time. When I picture the Bumblebee, I totally think of "The Bee Girl" from the video, which just makes it funnier.

Vodka Mom said...

If I wore something like that I WOULD be shot...by my kids.

xoxox

Matter Of Fact Mommy said...

omfg, HILARIOUS! i'm laughing really hard at the "BMB" moniker and your description of her. like samsmama, i'm also laughing at the same mental image of the bumblebee.

you sexy army girl, you...

Amber D. said...

Calico - She was obviously a few cards short of a full deck, ya know? I mean, if I poured a beer on people at the club everytime they asked me to do something I didn't want to do, I'd be broke and sober.

Crystal - yeah, after I wrote it I thought it sounded kinda racist, but she really fit the bill of a person who would drive one of those. With the Tejano music blaring out of the tassle-lined cab.

Candice - I roll with a hard crew, yo. The bumblebee costume is frightening.

Samsmama - The funniest part about your comment is that the whole night I actually kept singing "No Rain" by Blind Melon and asking her to tap dance.

Vodkamom - Yes, I'm glad my kiddo was out of town as to not witness me in that getup. It also had sparkles on it, which makes it that much more tacky.

MoFM - again, not to be racist, but she was a BIG. MEXICAN. BITCH. It's like me calling myself a AVERAGE. WHITE. NICE PERSON. :)

Cary said...

Waiting in her El Camino. Awesome.

Bitch probably had to swim back across the border before sunrise.