I got a call today from my best friend (the other one, not Sassypants), to tell me that she got engaged in the Bahamas this week. I am so happy for her, she has been dating her boyfriend (well, fiance' now I suppose) for over five years, and we all knew it was coming, but just didn't know when. In the midst of my happiness for her, I felt a weird twinge in my stomach. I dismissed it until I was talking to Sassypants later, and she asked if I was okay. That's when it hit me - sadness. Sassy knew what I was feeling without me even knowing it. I feel like such an asshole for even being a tiny bit sad/jealous/whatever, but I guess I'm not the first one to feel like this. Sassypants says she feels the same way when someone comes up pregnant... it's not that she is any less happy for the person, it's just bittersweet for her because that's what she's been wanting and can't have. It probably doesn't help that I'm on the heels of a breakup and want to stab any happy couple I see in the eye with my dinner fork.
But that's another issue I'm working on that has nothing to do with this post. :)
Anyhoo, when I started thinking, I quickly realized that I am the ONLY, I repeat, ONLY person in my several different groups of friends that is not engaged or married. I'm not looking for sympathy or poor pitiful Amber or anything, it's just a strange thing to be the only one left out of the group without a significant other. Trips and get togethers with my friends can be torturous when you're the only one without a date, regardless of if you are friends with everyone and their S.O. or not. There was an episode of Sex and the City titled, "They Shoot Single People, Don't They?" or something like that, which echoes my sentiments exactly.
To sum up, I'm so grateful that I didn't marry that guy I was engaged to at 19 years old, or stay in the relationship with the controlling asshole at age 23, or any of the other stupid boys I've dated before, just to say I'm with someone. I know that I am fine on my own, and I will most likely get married someday. And if I don't, I don't. I just wanted to write this because I'm quite positive I'm not the only person out there who's felt a twinge of jealousy toward a friend, regardless of your genuine happiness for them... and I kinda needed to let it out.
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4 comments:
Oh, you are so not alone on this one! Except I'm like Sassy, wanting to get knocked up and it's not happening. Hang in there, kiddo! You're absolutely right about being fine on your own. Better that than miserable with someone. I've got the divorce under my belt to prove it.
look at the bright side... you're rad and hot and you can have awesome stranger sex whenever you want and have guys date you and woo you and you get to go through exciting first kisses again!! effing A!
how come my comment is making me hate ryan?
So not alone - I've been there for almost seven years. Mostly my fault, I'm sure - but there it is. Even though it's tough to be the odd one out - it's better than being with someone I can't stand to be with. I've been down that road and am much happier (though lonelier) by myself.
Here's wishing you peace. You've been through a lot, don't beat yourself up!
Crystal's comment has me laughing my fucking ass off. And silently crying on the inside because I feel the same way. What I wouldn't give to have those butterflies of a first kiss again. *sigh*
Word verif - Garyl. This is Garyl, and his other brother Garyl.
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