Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The full stories from the last post.



Below are the full (or, maybe condensed a bit) explanations of the event teasers I left you with on Christmas Day. I was drunk when I wrote them, by the way, so it's kinda amusing seeing what I wrote and now having to explain them. I've included the original text so you (I) can remember what I wrote. Here goes:

**Mom got effed up on Christmas Eve. Shocker.
Yeah, I may have mentioned before that my mom has an addiction to prescription painkillers that she won't admit to. She thinks my brother and I are crazy, and she thinks she doesn't have a problem. Anyway. She got all spaced out at my dad's parent's house and ended up eating pecan pie (or jabbing a fork into the full pie tin and missing her mouth on the way to take a bite) in a sleepy daze. I could have slapped the bitch, and would have if my grandmother hadn't have been sitting right there. Or if my brother didn't yank me outside.

**I spent Christmas Eve in a BYOB bar. Pictures will be included.
After said "high mother" incident, my brother and I grabbed a bottle of bourbon and went to a dirty bar that serves beer only (that's why we brought our own bottle) and listened to drunks sing horrible Christmas karaoke and play pool. I think at one point I floated above my body, looked down, and realized how pathetic it was to be sitting on an old spool that was serving as a bar stool, swigging cheap bourbon out of the bottle, with a guy with one eye hitting on me, and my brother off-key-karaokeing ZZ Top with a pool cue as his fake guitar. Then I just realized that's life and tried to make the best of it. And here are the pictures. Excuse the quality, they're from my Blackberry, in a dark bar, with a not so sober hand holding the phone.

The sum of our bar experience: Beer, bourbon, quarters for playing pool, and smokes. KLASSY.


Me standing next to the neon Christmas tree, swigging my cheap bourbon. My bro thought it would win for most pathetic Christmas card.:


My brother holding a Christmas card some 500 pound man gave me. You can see the upscale bar atmosphere in the background.


**Snuggie action.
Nuff said... here's a picture of my dad in the pink snuggie Santa brought me:


**Waffle House.
You should know this story by now. We get yummy Waffle House every Christmas morning. This year I actually got to sit my ass on the couch while my brother had to get out and pick it up. Ha, sucka!

**Drunken Santa present giving involving Twister and a broken lamp.
Since my brother and I had been at a bar on Christmas Eve, we were not sober when we got home, and had to put out MP's gifts from Santa. We got everything set up, got in bed and had almost passed out when MP woke up and said no way she could sleep and ran in the living room before I could stop her. I had to get everyone out of bed so they could see her open her gifts, and we ended up drinking coffee at 1:30AM and watching her play with everything. This included Twister. My brother volunteered to play with her, lost his not-quite-sober-yet balance, and fell into that table up there in the picture next to my dad, and broke the lamp. Here's a pic pre-disaster:


**White Elephant gift exchange almost coming to blows.
I got a margarita machine out of the gift exchange, and everyone wanted it. That simple. But I ended up walking away with it, thank goodness.

**Whiskey, beer, and karaoke.
I think I've told this story already. Damn, I was drunk when I wrote the list.

**Drunk uncle who never drinks slurring words awesomely.
My super straight laced uncle put away an entire bottle of Crown, and entertained me ALL Christmas day. Since I was drunk as well, I can't remember what he said. Dammit. I know he had some great drunk slurry made-up words.

**Family arguing abundantly.
But that's a given, right? Especially when your mom takes non-prescribed narcotics and ruins the 6th Christmas in a row.

**Cheese dip ruining my expensive peacoat.
I was in charge of bringing the crock pot full of cheese dip back from my grandmothers, and that was a bad idea. I was drunk, tripped over the cord, and the crock pot spilled the lava-like Velveeta all over me and my coat. Thankfully, I have finally located all the areas of cheesy gooeyness and removed them. Only took me a week.

So. Merry freaking Christmas. Hope everyone had a wonderful one... and my New Year's Eve trip to New Orleans post will follow soon. :)

27 comments:

calicobebop said...

Holy cow - I'm sorry but the bit about the velvetta lava was TOO funny. Hope the coat is ok!

I got so trashed on Christmas Eve that I couldn't bring myself to drink Christmas Day and spent the entire day - with my family - sober. Not cool. Must remember to pace myself next time...

Spot said...

Wow. Are you sure we don't share the same mom?? Because that's totally my mom too. But we get lucky and she eventually retreats to her bed, because she's "sick". the rest of your story was hilarious. I think I know that bar!!

Can't wait for the New year's story!

♥Spot

Megan said...

I'm kind of sad I wasn't at that bar with you. I've never been to a BYOB bar dammint!

Anonymous said...

This is a great Site.Your topic is my most choiceable .Take my cordial love.I am very impressed to watch your valuable work.

Mumbai Escorts Service

Anonymous said...

I hope you may maintain in submitting new content articles & thank you for sharing your great experience among us.

Escorts Service In Mumbai | Mumbai Female escorts

Anonymous said...

The article is very wonderful and interesting and useful for me.Thanks for sharing the post.

Mumbai sexy call girls

Anonymous said...

This website is really good for providing service. I liked it and enjoyed it.Keep sharing such important posts.

Mumbai escorts

Anonymous said...

oh My God,interesting story. thanks for sharing this Web Master. I really Like this

Mumbai Independent escorts

Anonymous said...

what ever perimeters I chose .Good Luck with your future endeavors.

Mumbai escorts service

Anonymous said...

You will be missed.The one place where as a venue and fan I could search by

Mumbai Booking Escorts

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...


Mumbai Escorts service

Anonymous said...

I like you post Book escort girls online here & enjoy yourself after strenuous work in your office. Mostly, we have teenagers who have great understandings of foreplay with their clients.
Mumbai Escorts Agency
Mumbai Independent Escortsresi an

Chennai Escorts said...

Stunning! It's amazing blog entry here.... truly exceptionally fascinating for reading..... I appreciated it. Much obliged concerning the share....
Independent Chennai Escorts

Sneha Gupta said...

Nice Post...
Thanks For Sharing...
Keep It Up...

Mumbai Escorts
Mumbai Independent Escorts
Mumbai Female Escorts
Mumbai Model Escorts

pinki verma said...

Day @ Night Service Available in Mumbai Hotel By Independent Escort Model "Pinki Verma"

More Info about Me : Mumbai Escorts
Independent Escorts in Mumbai
Mumbai Model Escorts
Mumbai Escorts Services
Mumbai Female Escorts

simi sharma said...


This is my blog like this
Mumbai Escorts Agency

Unknown said...

visit this websites
ahmedabad escorts agency

simi sharma said...

This is my blog like this
kanpur escorts agency

Lucknow Escort Service In Call Girls said...

We have

the excellent assortment of Escort in Jalandhar which will provide a various variety of

services to different types of men available in our society like displeased lover,

husband, fist one or new comers in this field of gladness. Our female angels are different

than other services.

Unknown said...

You can hire independent escorts service providers girls from Chennai. Chennai escorts girls listed are given below here.

1. KomalSen - http://komalsen.in/
2. GunjanJha - http://gunjanjha.in/
3. Minisha - http://minisha.in/

Mira Khan said...

Type Your Dull Life Moving With Chennai Escorts
Chennai Escorts Agency

Unknown said...

ay, friends nice blog . i like this blog . please visit my blogs :-

ghaziabad Escorts

ghaziabad Call Girls

noida Escorts

Hyderabad Escorts

Connaught place Escorts

Ahmedabad Escorts Call said...

Goregaon Escorts
South Mumbai Escorts
North Mumbai Escorts
Bhayandar Escorts
Ahmedabad Escorts
Jaipur Escorts
Agra Escorts
Nagpur Escorts

Kolkata Escorts said...

Our escorts have all set to give you a remarkable encounter of mind-blowing intercourse. Prepare to feel a mating session through the profundity of your heart. Our escorts have skill in gratifying your intimate desire by bringing different mating styles into play for you. Here is an intimation regarding their excellent highlights. Enthusiastic Kolkata Call girls will never get over you from demanding any of following services.

Kolkata Escorts
Independent Escorts in Kolkata
Russian Escorts in Kolkata
Kolkata Escort Agency
Kolkata Escort
Escorts Service in Kolkata
Call Girls in Kolkata
Chennai Escort Service
Independent Chennai Escorts
Ahmedabad Escorts


Riley Edwards said...

Want to hang out with our call girls. Our girls are intended to indulgence the beauty and sex lovers. They are ready for pleasure and erotic fun with clients to enjoy and exchange love between them. For delight your mind with these hot ladies, get a complete package of fun and enjoyment with horny babes.

Independent Call Girls in Siliguri

bailbottom said...

We are Delhi based SMO Company, We offer SEO Company In Rohini, Delhi at reasonable price.
Emotions Interior Designer is the most interior designers in Gorakhpur, India. their company provide a unique and creative approach to their customers.
Buy Aloe Vera Indoor Plant Online In India at best prices only at Birthright, India's leading online shop for agriculture supplies and garden tools.
Financeatyourtip, provide updates about the best demat account for traders all over world. Its brokerage fee is extremely feasible and this assists traders and investors
F95zone Latest Games & Updates. A visual overview of the latest new games and updates.Buy Indoor Plant Online in India at best prices only at Birthright, India's leading online shop.