Whining... in numbers.

38 - Hours I went without talking to a human (the dog doesn't count) until this morning, except via texting. And there were only about 4 of those.

15 - Days until I have to be moved into the new house. Haven't packed a thing.

7 - Days that BF and I have been broken up, and it's not getting any easier.

1 - Day until what would have been our 1 year anniversary. Probably the reason it's not getting easier.

5 - Number of miles between my new house and exBF's house. When I got the house, thought it would be an awesome thing, now it sucks balls. I do not need daily reminders of him as I'm driving home.

1 - Number of empty wine bottles in my trash can, consumed from 6:30 - 9:30 last night.

3 - Number of empty Natural Lite beer cans next to the wine bottle, consumed after the aforementioned wine was gone. (Don't judge on the cheap beer).

10 to 31 - days until I get MP back from her dad's. The first game plan was for him to keep her until July 5th, now he's trying to keep her until July 25th. I really don't think I can hold out that long. I've only seen her for two days since June 3rd, and I'm dying.

Sorry for all the woe-is-me bitching. It's just a really bad time for me right now. I know things will get better, and I've been through worse life experiences than this, but I also know it takes time, and I wish it didn't. I'm just so sick of being sad.

Heartbreak.

Damn, this sucks. Why does it physically feel like your heart is being crushed?

Photo post.

So my friend sent me some of her pictures from the river. Too lazy to write a post, so pictures will have to do since I've had a couple of requests for them. :)

Here's me and TM on our first night there. We took the no makeup rule very seriously. (That's BF's best friend behind us, being an ass as usual).



We got ahold of a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill, and passed it around until it was gone...took us a grand total of about three minutes. We insisted on doing it as a throwback to our high school days. Our 16 year old selves would have been proud.



We had to start the mornings off with flip cup games, to get rid of the hangovers we had from the night before. Hair of the dog, I guess you could say. **Oh, and that's my brother's date (who I got in a fight with), standing next to me. I guess we got over it.**



Someone threw my brother's shirt in the tree, so the girls took it upon ourselves to pull out old cheerleading stunts. On a hill. After we had been drinking. No idea how someone didn't end up hurt.



Here's me and BF at the concert. This was his hungover day, but he managed to almost smile. That's better than he normally does.



Here's my Friday afternoon downward-spiral-inducing keg stand. This is where all the bad stuff started. If only I knew then, I would have never done this!

Get off your soapbox, kid.

So, I'm out for dinner and drinks last night with a friend, and we're sitting out on the patio of the restaurant in the humid Texas air, enjoying our margaritas and nachos. As most of you know, I'm a smoker, and have written a couple of posts about the annoyances of Judgy McJudgerson people. After I finish eating, I light a cigarette (since we're outside in the smoking section) and continue gossiping with my friend, when a lady from the next table comes over and squats next to me. This is the conversation that followed:

Her: "I'm so sorry to bother you, but can I ask you something? It's really embarrassing..."
Me: "Sure, what's up?"
Her: "Well, my daughter's been at day camp all this week, and today they had a discussion about smoking and cancer. She noticed you were smoking and started crying, and she wants to come and talk to you about what she learned today. She's very concerned."
Me: ** crickets chirping **

The lady calls her 6 or 7 year old daughter over, with me sitting there, eyes wide, mouth agape, not believing this is happening...The little girl approaches with tears in her eyes and then I proceed to get lectured about the dangers of smoking. Like I'm not aware.

Child: "Um, so I've been at camp and today we talked about smoking and do you know that smoking will give you black lung?"
Child: "And cancer?"
Child: "And will kill you?"
Child: "And it's gross?"
Me: "I know, baby... thank you for being concerned, that is very sweet. I'd like to quit, but it's kind of hard. You know that ice cream cone you have in your hand? Imagine me taking that away from you and you never getting to have one again. That's what I'd feel if I stopped smoking right now. But I really appreciate your concern."

Maybe it was the margaritas that made me be a bitch to a kid. I really don't care. I get that she was doing a sweet thing, but as a mother, no way in hell would I ever, EVER, allow my child to go lecture another adult on anything they were doing. That is inappropriate and rude. So maybe I should have said something to the mom instead of making this kid picture a life without ice cream, but maybe that will teach the mom to get some manners of her own and not let her child approach strangers and start preaching the benefits of a healthier lifestyle.

The nerve of some people.

In need of liquid happiness.

After the week I've had, this is what I need:



Yeah, that's me, and that's a keg stand. This week needs to get better, or I'm hitting up the liquor store for a keg to nurse all by myself. It'll probably last until Sunday, which is perfect.

**Something I just noticed when I clicked on the pic to make it larger, which made me smile, is TM's husband checking out my ass as he holds my legs up. TM will find this as funny as I did, which is why she's my best friend...**

And it just keeps coming. And not in a good way.

These are some things that have transpired in the past 5 days that make me want to crawl in my bed and never come out. Except to answer the door for the pizza man.

1. MP lost three (count 'em, THREE) teeth in a week. I don't normally carry cash at all, I debit everything, so the tooth fairy had to start giving out change. I think the kid's got pliers in her room or something, who loses three freaking teeth in a week!?

2. MP graduated from kindergarten, and on the stage it said "Class of 2021". Which caused me to cry even more than I had when she was singing along with her class, because I realized that I would be 41 when she graduates high school, and that freaked me out.

3. MP went to stay with my parents from yesterday after graduation until next weekend. When she gets back she'll be here for a day before she goes to her dad's for 2-3 weeks. I'm all alone in the house, and miss the little turd already. I threw a pity party for myself last night, but I'll chalk that up to being hormonal. I'll just have to find something to keep me busy. Sassypants has already been warned that I will be at her house more than usual.

4. I loaned a large amount of money to a family member, who promised I would be paid back by Friday. Turns out that's not the case, and I have to wait until the 15th now. Here's the deal I'm most pissed about: there are two weekends between now and the 15th, and I don't have my kiddo. Prime time to go have fun with friends without the stress of finding a sitter. But my account is bad news bears, and that's not feasible now...so I'll be sitting home even more pissed than usual because this time it's not even my fault. Or maybe it is, since I loaned the money...

5. BF was supposed to come over the past three nights but cancelled every night due to some different issue each night. He's supposed to meet me at the house after work today, and if he doesn't I may go to a bar and drink the pennies away in my bank account all by myself. Let's not even start on the last time I've gotten any. That's a whole 'nother story for another day.

6. I totally forgot about a ticket I had gotten in January and went to court for in March. The due date to do defensive driving and obtain my driving record was June 3rd, with no extensions given, no exceptions. I remembered the ticket...yesterday, the day it was due. No way possible to get everything done and to the court by the same day. So now I think I have to go BACK to court, and pay another $225 plus a $25 late fee on it.

7. And the cherry on the whipped cream covered sundae... my landlord emailed me an hour ago telling me that she's going to need to move back into the house by August 1st. I started crying as soon as I got the email. You see, this is the perfect house for me and MP, great school, close to everything, all her friends in the neighborhood, 3 miles from BF, low rent, etc. She rented to me and said she'd probably never move back because she wanted to save money and liked it where she lives. Guess not so much anymore. So now I have to start all over again and find a new place, and move all the shit I've accumulated AGAIN. I'm devastated.

So tonight I've already let BF know that I will be drowning my sorrows with the Keystone Lights (don't judge, I'm poor) and the bottle of wine in my fridge. Hopefully the next week will go smoother.

I left my liver at the river... along with some dignity.

I'm gonna try to make this as quick as possible, but you know I ramble... so here goes the Memorial Weekend Rundown (or a few highlights) for ya...

* Night one: my brother brought a skank with him (he literally said to me, all I want to do this weekend is drink and fornicate. I swear, word for word, that's what he said). Skank proceeds to get completely inebriated and pisses off just about everyone that was at the house that night, except me (yet). I was actually defending her to everyone because I felt bad that everybody was ganging up on her. Now, I'm normally an even tempered person, but later I walk into the kitchen to hear BF say ouch, and find out that the skank tapped his man-junk. Sassypants was in bed at this point and could hear what was going on, and I really don't remember what happened, but I hear that I lunged at her like a bear and yelled something along the lines of, "THAT'S MY BOYFRIEND, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!?!" as I chest bumped her or something, and my brother and BF picked me up and removed me from the premises, kicking and screaming. I know anyone reading this would have done the same. What's mine is mine and if you touch my man anywhere near his peen, you will not live to see tomorrow. Especially if you tapping it makes his balls hurt, and that in turn makes him useless to me later that evening. Totally kidding, but you get what I'm saying.

* The next morning, everyone wakes up and grabs beers for breakfast, and heads down to hang out in the water in front of the house. No huge drama during the day really, we also had a keg so I of course had to do a keg stand. I think this was the beginning of the end for me. I am never one to not remember things, but later that evening I completely blacked out any memories, only to be told the next day what transpired. I know there was a lot of drinking whiskey out of the bottle, another keg stand, lots of flip cup, and that's about it. I think someone gave me an Adderall too (yeah, I know, WTF?). I was told I made some potatoes to go along with the steak and beans, but nobody got a picture, so I can't be completely sure of that. I know I didn't eat a thing. And when someone was nice (or concerned) enough to make me a sandwich, with no mayo of course, I took a bite of it and then hurled it into the yard, screeching "I don't want this shit". Allegedly. I also allegedly almost took off BF's face because I whizzed it in his direction. I am completely embarrassed, and when people started telling me what had gone on the next morning, I wanted to die. And not just because of the massive hangover I had.

* Saturday we planned to go tubing in the river. All was great until we got in the water, then the sun decided to be a big 'ol bitch and go away. The water was probably around 50 degrees, and I really thought I was going to get hypothermia. Sassypants and I hooked our legs on each other's tubes so we wouldn't lose each other, and I was shaking like a leaf the whole time, therefore making her tube shake too. My nipples could cut diamonds, I literally had to hold my ta-tas so I wouldn't be inappropriate to the children around. And to top it off, we didn't move at all the whole hour and a half we were in the water. Then it starts raining. We say fuck it and get out at some stranger's yard and walk back to the place to return the tubes. Sassy and I walked a total of 2 minutes, and it took us 1 1/2 hours to float that distance. So that was the end of floating the river.

* Meanwhile, there were a lot of random people that kept showing up, who had heard about our place. We knew them, but my deal was, BF and I fronted the money for this place and nobody's getting a free ride. These people expected to just eat our food, drink our beer, and crash FOR FREE. Not no but HELL NO I said. I ended up confronting several people about it, and I'm sure that made me a mega bitch, but I'm all about being fair. So one of the chicks that showed up is married to one of BF's rugby buddies. She proceeds to have sex with SIX DIFFERENT DUDES over the next two days. I'll let you marinate on that for a minute. SIX DIFFERENT DUDES. MARRIED. MOM. Yeah, I know, I'm disgusted as well. In my heyday I didn't have sex with six different people in a year! So from then on, I wouldn't sit on the toilet seat for the remainder of the trip, and I showered with flip flops on. I'm sure there are STD's creeping all over that poor house. Gross...moving on.

* Sunday morning we wake up and BF has a massive hangover. Massive enough to where he didn't get out of bed at all during the day. I've never in my life seen him like that, and I've known the guy for about 4-5 years. I actually went and got Sassy to come check his pulse because I was so concerned. He wanted to be left alone and sleep, so I went and hung out and drank with the people who were outside. That evening we had tickets to a band we like, so we load up and head over there. This is when I find out that my brother's skank date is only 20. I had been contributing to a minor all damn weekend. That pissed me off to no end... I'm too old for shit like that, man. So at the bar, the girl washes off the X's on her hands they put on there to make sure everyone knows she's a minor. Within 10 minutes, a cop comes over to our group and motions for her to come over. He proceeds to re-X her hands SUPER DARK (and that made me crack up), and let her go. Bitch still finds a way to drink, and by the end of the night my brother is begging dudes to please take her off his hands. I guess even fornicating wasn't worth putting up with that bitch.

All in all, we did have a lot of fun. There was great music, lots of good friends, and lots of memories made. I'll try to get some pics up once I get them. I didn't keep this blog short and sweet like I said I would, but there was so much to be told!! There's still so much more, but maybe I'll let Sassypants finish the stories up. I'm gonna go and plan another river trip now.

NOT.

Lessons learned from Memorial Weekend...

The list is long, but I'm still too tired to really think right now... so here's what I can come up with for now:

1. Don't get close to a BBQ pit and stoke it while drinking. You will end up with 2nd degree burns all over your body, and worse of all, on your nipples.
2. Don't bring an underage person to the river, she will annoy everyone. And you might catch her in the bathroom with her hand down some dude's pants that isn't her date.
3. Even people who are shy and don't talk at all will show their boobs when prompted.
4. As organized as you think you are, you still will not collect money
from moochers. And when they say thanks for a good time you'll say "Sure, glad you got a free ride" and he'll think YOU'RE the bitch.
5. It IS possible for one girl to bang 6 dudes in a 48 hour period.
6. Me and Sassypants still rock at flip cup, even when
intoxicated.
7. If someone is nice enough to make you a sandwich, you don't throw it in the yard angrily, and narrowly avoid BF's face.
8. Even the biggest beer snobs will resort to drinking Natural Light or Lone Star when that's all you got.
9. If you come with a date, then go to a bar and bring another girl home, don't expect there to not be tension when your date finds you in bed with the random stranger.
10. When you have a set number that can stay in the house you rented, that number will increase by 15 once everyone starts inviting stragglers.
11. Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" WILL make everyone stop what they're doing and come on the porch for a mass sing along. Twice in a row.

That's all for now. I'll give you the complete rundown of the four days at the river once I recover in a month or so.

The laziest blog post in America.

Just click here. I couldn't tell this story better if I tried.......

It's a must read, I promise!

Is it possible to still be drunk from two days ago?

I don't think it is, but I still ain't right. The crawfish boil was awesome, we had a great time despite the monsoon that blew in mid-party. We started out with a ton of beer and made 4 (count 'em), FOUR beer runs after that because we kept running out. We might have a drinking problem, I dunno.

Will post more about the party later, or I'm sure TM will... I need to get back to normal first.